Post # 1
Ok, so I really, really want your honest opinions and feel like I truly need to vent. I only have to MOH’s and one of them has become a real pain! I got engaged in Dec of ’09 and bought my dress in January. Our date is in January of 2011. Our wedding is in Miami and I live 5 hours away. I decided to use a bit of the time I had when I was in town and purchased my wedding dress. It was really important to me that my mom & best friends be there. We went to have lunch afterwards and started talking about different places in town and ideas of foods and what other things we would need to look for. My best friend then tells me, “Well I don’t know why you are planning for far in advance, I mean you will only have 50-70 guests and you can plan that in a few months.” I was a bit shocked but let/reminded her know that although a person might be able to plan something in a few months, I was not living there and I don’t want any stresses just a few months before. She said I shouldn’t start planning yet and said I was too early on even buying my dress. From there since I wanted to make sure that both girls liked their dresses (since they would be buying them) I asked them for any ideas. Obviously they didn’t need to purchase them that far in advance, but I wanted to know what they liked so i can start some of the searching. She flat ou tells me she isn’t going to start looking until at least March because it would be ridiculous to even look at dresses for them now.
Fast forward a few months… I haven’t had any suggestions from her regarding ANYTHING… including dresses. The only thing I get when I send her something is I don’t think your wedding is going to be that fancy. Why do you want us to wear long dresses? I don’t like that style, Blah, blah, blah. She never once has sent me anything to what she would like to wear. I send her emails asking to try on dresses and send me pictures so I know what looks good on her & the other Maid/Matron of Honor and she sends me an email criticizing some more of the options I sent and after her opinions I respond asking that she still try them on. She pretends not to get the email and says which ones do you want me to try on? After a month of pleading and asking that she needs to try on the dresses she tries them on & says she didn’t have time to take pictures. This hs happened with the caterers I had asked her to call to find out info on too.
Now to yesterday, I sent her and my other Maid/Matron of Honor an email telling what I would like my bachlorette party to be like. I would need to come from out of town so I need to know these days ahead of time in order to take time off from work/ get other things done while in Miami. I know she has always told me that she wants to throw a sex toy party & make that a bachlorette party & she’s all about strippers. I don’t want either of those. She responds to my email saying I have been a controling everything else WAAAY to much and that I’m a control freak. She tells me that I have no say in what way or when my bachlorette party will take place and that I should just tell her who I want to be there. Am I wrong in taking offense? All I asked for was a girls night out of drinks & dancing.
Please be honest!
Post # 3
I really don’t think you’re being out of line. I might not have started the conversation about the bachelorette party but you’re crazy to believe that I won’t have some say in how the whole thing goes down. With that said, I don’t think you were out of line to start the conversation when she’s made statements about what she wants to do and they don’t match with what you’d like.
When my Maid/Matron of Honor “L” got married her only attendant (another long story) was planning a bachelorette party to include pole dancing lessons and strippers. L is so anti stripper it’s not even funny. She’s not really bothered by her hubby going to clubs, but really doesn’t advocate it. So the planned party was about as oposite of what L wanted it’s not even funny. L worked quietly behind the scenes with other friends to get the feel of the party changed. In the end her attendant got a little huffy, but eventually got over it.
Is there a way for you to maybe talk to your other Maid/Matron of Honor about what you’d like and see if she can help make sure the party more closely lines up with what you’d like.
With the dresses, I really think you’ll just have to stand your ground. As nicely as possible explain that *this* is your vision. You understand her concerns about formality, but you would like to see if you can’t make it formal and would really appreciate her help in acheiving that goal.
With the vendors and such, do you have other friends that can help you? It really seems like she’s not going to be much assistance.
I wish you the best of luck on this.
Post # 4
Wow, as far as the comments about your planning in advance she’s just not right. I think its always a good idea to plan and you were right on with making decisions early on especially for a semi Destination Wedding. I can’t believe she would be so hard to work with on getting her dress! I didn’t really ask for input on my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses b/c I had a very specific idea of what I wanted but when I asked my girls if they were ok with it they gave me tons of feedback and right away asked when they needed to order them (I told them we could wait a bit). They also have been super helpful coming up with ideas and giving suggestions.
Now I must say I’ve never asked any of them to gather wedding related details for me, like calling the caterer, I don’t think that’s there responsibility. Also they are the ones that get to plan the bachorlette party, they really don’t HAVE to throw you one in the first place so telling them the specifics of what you want is really not appropriate, but you’d think they would at least take what you don’t want into consideration and respect that. I know I would be mortified if I had a crazy stripper like party. I would talk to her and just let her know how your feeling about it. I by no means think your the b-word and I 100% think she is being out of line with regards to the dress but she does have a point (to a certain extent) on the bachorette party.
Post # 5
As brides we have to remember that just because we know what the appropriate timelines are and we know there are reasons and methods for our madness, not everyone else gets it.
Still, with that being said, I don’t think you are being out of line or a bridezilla (a term that I have come to loathe because people will throw it at you for everything even when you aren’t being unreasonable). I think she was right to wait a few months before looking at dresses and should really just now be starting to pick something out. It shouldn’t be an issue for her to either pick something herself or take a couple of pictures. Could it be a money issue?
Have you made any other “demands” on your bridesmaids? I don’t see why she would react this strongly to these small requests.
Post # 6
Hmm. Well, I really don’t think you should be having your Maid/Matron of Honor call your caterers or whatever. That’s not her responsibility and I probably would be like WTF if I was in someone’s wedding and dealing with their catering crap. It sucks enough to deal with it when it’s your own wedding. As for the dresses, it’s really nice of a bride to take into consideration her BMs likes/dislikes when it comes to selecting a dress. You don’t HAVE to but I feel like it’s obnoxious not to. That being said, she sounds like she had no constructive input at all re: the dress. I hear her about not getting the dress so early because people may want to lose weight, etc. and there’s no point in getting Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses that early.
Re: the bachelorette – she should respect your wishes about the stripper/sex toy type party because that is something that can affect a person’s relationship (i.e. piss of your Fiance, cause drama, etc.) and also in theory she should want to throw you a party you’d actually like! But at the end of the day she is throwing the party and paying for stuff so that’s a tricky one. I would try and explain to her that you and your Fiance have a “no strippers” policy and you will be forced to leave the party if she gets one. Something like that that is basically like LOOK do not get a stripper or I’m leaving.
So as far as the B-zilla thing is concerned, overall – you could be better, you could be worse. She seems difficult as well.
Post # 7
ugh you poor thing. People really dont understand how hard it is to put a wedding together unless they have done it. I had 57 and it was formal and beautiful and took me a yr to plan. Just because its not 150+ in people doesnt mean anything.
I am so sorry she isnt really helpful and I think you have every right to have a say in your bachelorette party. I dont think she is going to end up being helpful. Good luck and dont ever think you cant have a word in your own wedidng or activities.
Post # 8
I’d be a bit put off by her also. If your not buying dresses off the rack, then you need time to order them, have them arrive, do alterations, etc. I don’t see any reason why she can’t be looking for a dress right now. Maybe let her know that if she doesn’t pick it herself, you’ll do it for her and she’ll have no choice in the matter? I don’t think you’re being too controlling, if anything, I think you’re giving her too much leeway!
Post # 9
ummmm….yeah. you are kinda being bridezilla-ish. i know you are super excited to plan the wedding, but i think you should refrain from sending emails, asking people to try on dresses, and call vendors until you’ve made up your mind. this is a huge day for you, but not for anyone else besides your Fiance.
- the bachelorette is not for you to plan. i can see you having some ideas, but it is absolutely not for you to plan. especially since this is a totally optional task for your BMs.
- unless you want imput on the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, stop soliciting opinions.
- at this point, your wedding is less than 7 months away, so i definitely do not think you are starting too soon planning, epecially since you are planning from afar
- I wouldnt expect BMs to help you plan the wedding. it is really not their responsibility to run errands and contact vendors. its one thing if they volunteer, totally different if these are tasks you are delegating and expecting them to complete.
Good luck with everything.
Post # 10
I don’t agree that your Maid/Matron of Honor should be the one calling the caterers. Some of the other posters nailed it when they said that part sucks enough at your own wedding, that is not really her responsibility. If she offered, that’s a different situation…did she offer?
As far as the dresses go…she sounds pretty unreasonable. And it doesnt sound like she’s going to get any better. That said, I’d just pick a style that tends to be pretty flattering on a variety of body types and go with it. You don’t really need to have the input to make your decision, and it doesnt sound like she is valuing your accomodations.
BUT. As far as the bachelorette party. My Maid/Matron of Honor tried to do something like that, even though I specifically asked her not to. It came down to me telling her “I will not attend if this stuff happens at my party, and if it happens after I get there, I will leave.” Cleared the whole mess right up when she saw how serious I was about NOT having a party like that. Might be worth a shot?
Post # 11
Holycanolli, I’d like to kick that Maid/Matron of Honor in the shins. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like this girl doesn’t have a clue as to what it takes to plan a wedding. Heck the dress she likes now could be discontinued by the time she gets around to finally purchasing it.
As for the bachelorette party, I’d definitely put my foot down about that one. If you do not want/are not comfortable with her party idea, she should not force it upon you. It’s not like you saying, “I will ONLY have 5 days on a beach w/ my girls in Cancun” type of party…you are merely saying you are not comfortable with the idea of what she wants. The gal needs to get her Maid/Matron of Honor priorities straight and put the same “oomph” into her dress shopping than bach party planning. Sheesh
Post # 12
Hi Bee’s thanks for being honest about this whole thing. I really do appreciate it!
I was told by her that from the very begining that I was going to try to do everything myself. She told me that day & other times (in the begining) that she would visit anything/anyone that needed to be visited.
For the bachlorette party: I sent them an email b/c that was the one thing that the Maid/Matron of Honor seemed to want to talk about whenever we did speak. That’s the only reason I had mentioned the no sex toy party & strippers because she had mentioned it to me several times. She’s very much the let’s go to a strip club & have a sex toy party kinda gal (which to each their own & if that’s what you like go for it!). That being said I’m not that kinda gal. I had wanted to know ahead of time b/c if I need to leave where I’m at I need to give both supervisors advanced notice, find someone to cover the areas that I work at & make sure I have enough money to gt to Miami & back.
For the caterers: I get that it’s not her wedding to plan, but she offered to not only visit places but to call caterers too! Maybe I shouldn’t have actually taken her seriously, but anytime I would talk about having to schedule a trip to Miami to look places over she said she would do it for me. She’s even said that if I can’t come down for the tasting of cake/food she would go for me & let me know and speak to the caterers personally. I figured calling wouldn’t be that bad? I guess I was wrong. : ^ (
For the dresses: When I first got engaged she said the only requirement she had was that the dress she had to wear be sexy. She said she didn’t want to look frumpy and wanted to make sure that she looked good. I get the whole looking good… I mean if I didn’t feel pretty than I wouldn’t be very happy/comfortable, but that’s all she gave me to go on for the dresses. She said she wouldn’t wear anything that didn’t give her the sex appeal look she was going for.
Post # 13
I don’t think overall you are being a bridezilla, but in my mind, bridezilla is defined by the way you express yourself, not necessarily what you are expressing. If you are kind to your friends, considerate of feelings, and don’t expect them to do your entire wedding, you are fine. I’m a little on the fence about the telling them what you want for a batchlorette party, because that’s not something they even have to do for you, but then again, if they asked, then certainly you could say there are certain things you really would not enjoy!
I think at this point you should do a “last call on input on your dress” sort of a thing, before you just pick one.
Also, FYI for your friend- a year in advance is not too soon to plan, or to buy a dress. I bought mine more than a year ahead and the shop told me that was perfect. My dress is going to take 4 months just to come in!
Post # 14
Sounds like you’re getting a lot of mixed signals from this woman. She seems to be imposing her ideas about the “right” timeline on your wedding, and that’s not a workable situation for any number of reasons.
In re: the dresses, I think your best option at this point is to narrow it down to approx. four options and tell your ladies to pick whichever they like best.
Post # 15
@soontobeawlsh: The criteria she gave me for picking dresses for the two of them be 1: they have to be sexy & 2: that they be less than a $100. When I first spoke to her about dresses she said she didn’t want any from DB & that she refused to wear a frumpy dress…
@teaadntost: Thanks! I had narrowed the ones I wanted tried on to 3. I figured getting pictures of both girls would let me know which ones would look best on both. Her & the other girl have completely different figures, & they don’t talk.. at all & haven’t made any attempts to either : ^ ( P.S: They have known each other for at least 5 years through me & have hung out together too.
Post # 16
you are not being a “b-zilla” (hate that word now)!
i am and will admit to anyone that i am a control freak, and when you couple that with one of the most important days of your life, the stress that comes with that i feel now, that only other brides really know what we are going through. i cant even confide in my moh without her calling me “crazy” behind my back. i think of how i would act if i was an MOH or Bridesmaid or Best Man and i would be so helpful and accomodating not rude and b!tchy! you mentioned you have 2 mohs? maybe you should have the other one take on more responsibility. talk to this other moh and be up front but no tone or attitude and figure out what her deal is. i am too much of a control freak to let someone else plan something like catering..take that task away from her!
its your wedding but its her money paying for the dress, so there just needs to be a compromise, give her a deadline as to when the dresses need to be picked out. obvs, if she hates everything ur picking out than give her that task instead and let her give YOU options then u veto the ones you dont like and give the thumbs up on the ones u DO like. hope this help!