(Closed) Am I really going to have to be that guest? Feeling terrible.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?
    Suck it up and go to the wedding : (223 votes)
    70 %
    Cancel regretfully and send a good gift : (93 votes)
    29 %
    Other? : (4 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 77
    147 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I was going to say the same thing about you getting chewed out about leaving the kitten!

    Anyways, you definitely sound like me when I want to make excuses not to do something/go somewhere. However, one excuse I make often is that I will not leave my cat alone, and I strongly believe that it is valid. He’s 12 years old and cannot really handle not having someone around to care for him, and I have certainly given up taking personal trips when his caretaker has backed out. So, I definitiely understand that you wouldn’t want to leave a kitten alone, and I certainly recommend you do not follow PPs’ advice to leave it with a few bowls of food and water…

    Anyways, maybe it’s because I’ve been to few weddings and have not yet had my own, but I don’t think you’re an awful person for not wanting to go. You just have to decide whether you want to make the effort to attend, or if you’re going to put that effort into gathering excuses not to go. Either way, I don’t feel that makes you a bad person.

    If you have to cancel, I would – as others have suggested – let her know as soon as possible. The next step is deciding whether she would understand your reasons for staying home or whether you’re going to have to be dishonest about it. If you have to chose the latter, it seems your friendship may simply not be as strong as it once was. If it were your best friend’s wedding, I could see her being upset, but otherwise, I do not understand the extreme responses on this board. 

    Best of luck to you, and I hope you’re able to adjust soon! My mother grew up in Germany, and visiting that place was a huge culture shock for me, even on the third or fourth trip.

    Post # 78
    147 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Also, your kitten is just adorable. I literally gasped. I wouldn’t want to leave that little face either, but then again, I consider cats my furry children lol 

    Post # 79
    2455 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I’ll be honest, if a friend canceled a week out, I would really question whether they’re a friend.

    This isn’t because she came to your wedding.  It’s because you accepted the invitation- a promise to be there- and are not canceling for an emergency.  Moving and getting a cat do not constitute as emergencies.  Moving was pre-determined.  Saying you can’t go because you moved (three months ago) is like saying you are unable to plan ahead.  Getting a cat was a choice.  Saying you can’t go because of the cat is putting the cat before your friend.

    And if I was the friend, I would not be putting forth any effort to visit you or anything unless you put in the effort to visit me.  Friendships aren’t tit-for-tat, but they’re also not one-sided.

    That said, you’ve already made up your mind.  You don’t value her friendship enough.  Tell her ASAP, and maybe you won’t look like a complete jerk.

    Harsh.  But true.

    Post # 80
    764 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I had a group of two friends + 2 SOs + 2 kids who were travelling from out of state who told me after the cutoff that the driver had housing issues come up and couldn’t afford to come out for my wedding. I was resentful (still am, apparently), but in no way would I want to cut them out, even if we only see each other every one-to-two years.  If they mention the wedding next time I see them, I will probably say something, but it wasn’t enough to spoil my day & I don’t hate them.

    HOWEVER, one of the best parts of the wedding was walking down the aisle and seeing so many different people from so many parts of my life in on room together.  I was definitely disappointed that they weren’t there, despite the fact that we don’t talk often.  If it’s only a delay, I’d definitely put off the remodeling for a few months.  If you tell her you can’t go because of a kitten, whether it’s legit or not (everyone says you can’t expect guests to put their lives on hold for your wedding), she’s going to be pissed.  Is there any way you could take the cat with you?

    Post # 81
    9130 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    Re: leaving the kitten alone, I guess it depends on how old she is.  Hard to tell from the picture, and from your description.  If she’s like 6 months old, it should be fine.  2-3 months old, not so much and I take back my comment from before.

    Post # 82
    11165 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    @Demi-chan:  I had several people cancel on me within the last week of the wedding. It happens. If this were a close friend I would say you need to be there hell or high water but if you have only seen them three times since you were 15 that doesn’t sound like someone that is a bestie or oober close. With that in mind it seems you have already made up your mind, you aren’t going.

    So don’t go and call the bride immediately, today, right now and tell her. Give her whatever explanation you desire but stop waiting around when you know what you want to do. At this point while inconvienent I can almost guarantee that your canceling won’t cost her anything. Most (not all) venues wait until 48 hours before the event to confirm food numbers and even most rental services will allow modifications up until the event/pick up. So again stop wasting time and just tell her. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be for her to make adjustments.

    PS your cat is adorable!

    Post # 83
    4192 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    The kitten could stay in another room in the coworkers home for a few days- when I adoted my second cat, I kept them separated. No harm to kitty at all that way.

    You don’t have to bring a gift to the wedding, you can always send something later. I would much rather have someone grace me with their presence then get a present.

    Post # 84
    794 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

    @Demi-chan:  Seems you’ve made up your mind about attending and based on responses to everyone’s comments, you’re looking for something to ease your guilt. 

    The thing is, the longer you wait the worse it will be…in my opinion you knew the costs and the kitten situation more than a week ago… so I would stop wasting your time and call the bride ASAP.

    Explain that financially it does not make sense right now… if you lose her as a “friend” I don’t think it’s going to make much of a difference in your life since it doesn’t really seem like you’re friends in the first place. 

    Just make the decision and you’ll feel much better with the weight lifted off your shoulders rather than being torn with a decision to make. 

    Also – the cat situation – it won’t be an issue with your cat going to the place with an outdoor cat, just ask them not to let her outside, she’s too young to get confused about one cat going in and out… kittens sleep most of the time anyway!

    Post # 85
    889 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    I completely understand being exhausted…when you’re pooped, you’re pooped. But, considering how long you’ve had the invitation, and how close you are to the wedding at this point, I would suggest going–gift free–to the wedding.

    If you had cancelled right after the move a couple months ago, I don’t think it would be a big deal. If the cancellation was due to a death or other extenuating circumstances this close, I dont think it would be a big deal. But because it’s so close, and because a lot of it is stuff that isn’t what I would consider extenuating, I think you should go.

    If it’s going to cost you money to go, or to send a gift that’s comparable to travel, you aren’t going to save money by doing one over the other.

    Your furbaby (aww 🙂 ) will be fine for 2 nights at home; leave him a lot of water, and leave food out for him, and he will be just fine. 🙂 I know flying is stressful, but if I read correctly you’ve already got the flights purchased right? So if you don’t go you lose that money anyway; it’s a wedding, not an all day every day event. While you’re there, sleep in and enjoy being on a mini-getaway! A change of scenery can be really relaxing.

    This is just my 2 cents, and please understand I totally identify with your reasons for NOT wanting to go; but I think the time to make the decision not to go has indeed passed.

    Post # 86
    864 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’d have to agree with most PPs. I think you already made up your mind and now you don’t want to hear that people don’t like that decision. So why bother posting? 

    In any case, if you actually do want advice, here are my two cents. 

    First,  I think your Darling Husband staying home is the best solution. Can’t you ask the bride whether you could share a ride with someone also coming in that night? If the weddin is the next day and there are only few flights to that airport, it may work out for you to go with someone else. 

    Going to your airport: I’ve gone to numerous German airports by public transport. You said you live in a rural part, but you could take your car to the station and take the regionalbahn – the airport can’t be THAT far away, so to wont have to pay much. Tell me your village and the airport and I’m happy to look up a good connection for you. 

    If Darling Husband joins you,  I’d just ask neighbors to watch your cat. i used to watch my neighbor’s cats, and in a rural area people are Mach nicer about this (me being in Berlin), plus I neither likes my neighbor nor do I like cats. And I still did it. even for two weeks. 

    You could just throw some flyers into your neighbors’ mailboxes, asking of they k re of any students who wanted to earn some pocket money watching / feeding / playing with your cat, whatever it is you need them to do. I’ll write you sth instantly so you can distribute it and I’m sure you’d find someone in no time. 

    Post # 87
    864 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    As alternatives to the train to the airport, there are also cheap buses or you could do car sharing and either go with someone or offer seats in your car. (Mitfahrgelegenheit.de) it doesn’t matter if you don’t speak German well, I’ve had lots of people ride with me that only knew English and I sent my cousin from Berlin to Munich several times and he doesn’t speak any German either. 

    Also many airports here have cheap parking close by, so instead of the actual airport parking, you take one close by, pay not even half the price and they offer shuttle service to and from the airport. 

    Some of those Might also be an idea for getting to your friend’s wedding in the UK. 

    Post # 88
    1443 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    If at all possible, attend.  I’m sure your friend is not expecting a gift, just your presence.  Not only is it kind of rude, but you might permanently alienate your friendship at this late stage of the game. 

    Post # 89
    580 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Cancel. There are too many reasons not to go and if she is a good friend, she would understand.

    Post # 90
    679 posts
    Busy bee

    I think the kitten excuse/reason is majorly lame–i mean really, everybody’s got shit going on that being said, everybody does have shit going on… life happens.

    I don’t really understand why some brides get all bent out of shape bc 1 or 2 pple no-showed. Sure, it’s rude, whatever. But if they send a card, then whats the big deal? I’ve no showed to a couple events bc something really did happen either that day or just before it and the random wedding or party was not high on my list of stuff to care about at that moment. I don’t need to beg for forgiveness. It’s an invite to a party, not a court summons.

    OP, if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. Since you know now that you don’t want to go, then sure, call her up and apologize in advance and send a nice gift. I’m not advocating that pple ditch weddings en masse or anything, but really, life happens. I think in general some need to be more relaxed and understanding about this. 

    Post # 91
    2085 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I definitely didn’t read all the posts bc, well, that’s a lot of posts!  I think your reasons are all valid, but at the same time you could have let her know a lot earlier.  You RSVP’d yes.  Even if it was before you moved.  I’m sure you had some idea before today that you were thinking about not going.  Even 3 weeks ago would’ve been better – then you’ve given her a month’s notice and she could’ve made adjustments with her vendors and saved herself the cost of your plates etc. 

    It’s not that your reasons aren’t valid, it’s that the timing doesn’t add up. Not realizing that all of these things would make it difficult to attend until 1 week before the wedding?  I think you’re going to have a hard time selling that.  I’d suck it up and go.  You can always buy an automatic feeder from the pet store – we have one for our cat. Or ask a neighbor to look in on her. 

    If you ultimately decide not to go, I’d expect some hurt feelings/frustration from your friend.

    If I were the bride, I don’t think I’d be mad about the reasons you give – I’d be mad that you didn’t bring it up sooner, bc there’s no way I’d buy that none of it occured to you til now

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