(Closed) Am I really going to have to be that guest? Feeling terrible.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?

    Suck it up and go to the wedding

    Cancel regretfully and send a good gift


  • Post # 92
    2085 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Just to add -regardless – sounds like you don’t wanna go and you’re entitled to save your money and stay home! It does sound like a busy few months for you.  I’d let her know asap.  I mean, I’m sure there were 1 or 2 people her and her Fiance wanted to invite but couldn’t.  Maybe if you let her know you can’t make it, then she will find people to fill the spots.

    She might just be so busy with wedding stuff now that she won’t really have time to be upset about it.  You know your friend and whether or not she’s the kind of bride to freak out, or to roll with it. 

    You could always just tell her something came up with work, or the house and you have to reallocate your $$$… and then it just makes things easier.. not the honest way, but might spare her feelings and you the guilt

    Post # 93
    1006 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    I didn’t read all the responses but can see that I am in the minority.

    I feel for you a little and even if you rae making up exc excuses, then so what. I am sure that most people have never made an international move before. Congrats on the cat, I am sure it will help you with any lonliness or stress from the move.

    I had a few people cancel the week before the wedding and i gave it like two minutes of being upset and then got over it. But that is me…. you might know if your friend is likely to get over it or hold a grudge.

    I will say, the two guests who cancelled, did not send gifts. if they sent a nice gift, I would be even more willing to understand, because I think it is a nice gesture showing that they cared and felt bad.

    Post # 94
    268 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I just want to put the whole move thing in perspective for those who haven’t ever moved to Germany, the Netherlands, or Belgium.  When they move, even out of an apartment, EVERYTHING goes with them.  Fridge, oven, dish washer, blinds, I’ve even known people that take the friggen kitchen sink and flooring.

    This was a shock when we moved from an apartment to a house because my husband took EVERYTHING.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand this.

    So yea, if you don’t know about this odd cultural habit and you’re expecting it to be more like the US, Canada, or the UK when moving into a flat and you’re met with this, I completely understand how someone can get blind sided with extra costs and extra tasks.

    And I can also see how one would think the dust would settle by March before you left not knowing the above…

    On the other hand, while cute, the kitten is an excuse.  No, you may not speak any german but there’s expats who speak english everywhere.  It takes a little searching sometimes, but there’s always solutions.

    So while I wouldn’t be so upset about the move being not what was expected, the kitten…that would piss me off a little.

    Post # 95
    3637 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I would leave DH at home with the kitten and go yourself. This would make it cheaper, he could get the rest he needs and you wouldn’t be doing anything she didn’t do. It might not sound as fun but if you really throw yourself into it I bet you’ll have a blast. She’ll be really touched you came and hopefully she can use that extra plate somewhere else. 

    Post # 97
    328 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    View original reply
    @Demi-chan:  Your kitty is beautiful!! I’ve got two British shorthairs and two traditional/ doll face Persians.

    I didn’t read all of the replies.

    A couple of years ago I was in a similar situation to you. Recently adopted cats, my DH had just started a new job and the wedding was in another European country – the bride was a girl I met during a language course I did when I was 18. In the end I went alone and my DH stayed at home. Sometimes these things happen and if you explain I’m sure your friend will be understanding.

    Post # 98
    864 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    View original reply
    @Demi-chan:  I don’t think people here don’t understand that you’re under a lot of stress at the moment and also, people understand that between Christmas and now, things can happen. It’s more that you knew about the problems with moving in (delaying everything, being a financial burden) weeks ago, so it seems like cancelling this last minute was a bit unfortunate / unnecessary if you had just said “sorry, can’t come” a couple of weeks ago – even 3 weeks ago would have been much more helpful (and cost-saving) for the couple.


    Also, did you read my suggestion of putting flyers in your neighbors’ mailboxes? I am certain you’ll at least find a high school student who will take care of your kitty for a bit of pocket money, but some neighbors might even offer to do it just for the sake of being neighbors. I can write you something nice easily, so I really don’t think the cat should be reason enough to keep you away from the wedding.

    Post # 99
    5870 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Reality check.  This post has rubbed people the wrong way because your language indicates you see yourself as a victim.  You are in control of your circumstances.  There is really no excuse for leaving it until 1 week before the wedding to back out. 

    That said, to figure this out, you need a pro-con list:

    Pros and cons of attending the wedding:


     – It will help to maintain my friendship with the couple/could avoid totally blowing up my relationship with the couple

     – Follow through on my word, which helps me build a sense that I have integrity/am not a flakey

     – Avoid guilt associated with wasting someone elses money, not following through on my word


     – Will not be able to give a gift

     – Will outlay $xx more than if I were to stay home and send a gift

     – Will have to find a sub optimal solution to dealing with my cat

     – Will lose out on needed rest

    Etc.  Then just look at the list and decide which option is more important to you.  Only you can weigh these options for yourself.  The ladies of WB will have many opinions, but it’s your life.

    Post # 100
    965 posts
    Busy bee

    I can understand what your going through. i am starting a job soon and I may have to take two one day trips via flight for my grandpas and grandmas 80th birthday. It’s a special occasion but I probley won’t have a lot of time off. As far as going to your friends wedding I would consider letting your dh stay home with the kitten and you go there by yourself. You can sleep on the plane ride. 

    Post # 115
    87 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I believe if u REALLY wanted to be there, you would, no matter what. 

    Post # 101
    1405 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Cancel quickly and send a substantial gift that will at least cover the cost of your meals, as they may get stuck paying for them.

    Don’t make it worse by waiting and thinking about it.

    Folks have a right to tell you what they think, but a lot of the responses have been rude.

    Post # 102
    1405 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @Ap2010:  That’s a thought. One of you go.

    Post # 103
    4810 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @Demi-chan:   You sound exhausted.  *hugs*  If one of my prospective guests wrote your OP to me, about my wedding, I’d feel best if they stayed home and had a good rest and took care of their kitten.   

    Post # 104
    97 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    To be fair, anyone who hasn’t flown with EasyJet/RyanAir doesn’t get a say in the stresslevels of flying.Laughing(if OP is flying with any of these)


    Post # 105
    557 posts
    Busy bee

    you aren’t horrible. tell her you aren’t coming. send enough cash to cover your plates and a little extra. the end.

    The topic ‘Am I really going to have to be that guest? Feeling terrible.’ is closed to new replies.

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