Post # 1
So, like many of you, life is in a huge transition right now with getting ready to be married. It has felt like a big transition in other ways too as I recently moved in with my Fiance, which means I no longer live with my roommate of 3 years and we had a difficult falling out when I moved out. Also, I am currently feeling quite dissatisfied at work so I am thinking of leaving my job. This is where my dilemma is.
I’m a non profit social worker and my Fiance is a tech guy at a big corporation downtown. We live in Seattle, which means it is expensive! For a while in our relationship, we’ve been pretty open about our finances and my Fiance offers to pay for lots of things since he makes much more money than I do. He has also bought me nice presents I would NEVER be able to afford for myself- like a trip to Hawaii, a new camera, etc.
Recently I’ve been really fed up with my job. My job changed drastically a few months back after the program I supervised was closed due to funding issues, I had worked there for years and I still feel sad about it now being gone. My new position is interesting and I’m learning a lot, but the issue is that I often don’t have much to do and I feel really bored. I have talked to people abotu it and feel maybe I should leave. My Fiance told me he feels I should just work part time and then work on my artwork and yoga teaching because those are things that make me so happy. I love this idea but I truthfully feel pretty guilty. I’d still bring in enough money to pay for a few things here and there, but he is saying he wants to pay all of our bills and just have me work on my own business.
Is this too much to expect of him before we’re even married? Especially since we have wedding expenses? I feel so torn! Do you guys have any similar experiences you can share?
Post # 3
I can definitely relate. I’m back in school so when my fiance and I get married in 2 months (!!) I will be relying on him entirely financially. I kind of hate it… but, I don’t really have a choice. We could have delayed the wedding til i finished school but thats not for 2 more years and we’ve already been engaged 2 years. I could go down to part time but then I’d be in school for like 4 more years and we want to have kids pretty much as soon as I’m done with school. He says he is completely okay supporting me, but I still feel guilty. I’m going to try to get a very part time job but it’s going to be hard because of my schedule. I tried for that this year and I never found anything so I relied on my loans and some help from my parents. I’m hoping next year I’ll be able to at least do something for 10 hours a week.
I wish I had some advice for you but I think if your fiance is so willing, just let him support you. Some others might have different opinions but I am basing mine on the fact that sometimes that’s just the way it has to be… and one day I’ll be making a lot of money, possibly even more than him, so it should all be okay in the end. If he thinks it’s an ok decision, and it’s one you think you can live with even if you don’t love the idea… then I say go for it. Good luck!
Post # 4
If this is something he is willing to do, then maybe you should take the chance. Especially if you have other passions you would like to pursue. I know it’s tough to let someone take care of you when you’re used to being independent, but sometimes that’s just how life goes. In the end, you never know, your yoga and art may just blow up into a full-time high dollar career. Try it out, you are lucky to have a man that wants to do this, even if it’s only temporary!
Post # 5
I TOTALLY relate. I got laid off in Feb. and Fiance got a new job across the country a week later. I moved with him a little over a month ago but I still ahve yet to find a job (I have no clue why I’m not getting call backs). I haven’t contributed to rent since I got here. I got a parttime job in retail (sucks) so I can make my own bill payments (car, credit card, etc) but it SUCKS since I can’t spend freely and I rely on him a lot. Even the other day at the grocery store I timidly asked "Could I get some ricecakes?" He was paying so I asked! The thing is, he’s REALLY okay with it.
He said it best when he said "we are getting married. and sometimes times will be good and sometimes one of us will need to rely on the other.i want to take care of you". that made me feel a *little* better.
Post # 6
Thanks for your comments on this, Bees. It really helps to have your encouragement.
The last few days, my Fiance has been showing some stress about this whole thing, I think because I have such mixed feelings about leaving my current job and doing all of this. Plus, I rent an art studio and have student loans to pay off and I don’t think he should pay for those bills, NO WAY, those should be paid by me for sure.
Sigh, it is just hard to let go of some of the independence even though I appreciate all he does for me.
monalisa: We are in a similar situation! You must be studying something pretty practical in school. With my job of doing social work and yoga, I probably won’t ever bring in the bucks like he does, but I do want to contribute something!
GaBGal: Good luck with your job search, it is so frustrating when you don’t get any call backs. It will come together though!
Post # 7
I think it depends a lot on your relationship and your life experiences. Me, I couldnt be a housewife. I grew up in a single parent household and have older women in my family that were trapped in their marrages for financial reasons. I think it is important for a woman to be self-sufficent. That being said, this situation would only be temporary, right? And its not like you wouldnt be contributing anything, you just wouldnt be contributing as much.
Follow your gut and have a full-disclosure convo with Fiance about his expectations. Like, does he expect that you will be doing all of the cooking and cleaning since he will be footing the majority of the bills?
Post # 8
I’m currently unemployed and my husband has been very supportive about it. Granted we’re married now, but I have no doubt that he would have been the same before that. I’m having a hard time and not getting calls back either. The economy really is in the pits! I had a job within a month this time last year, and was getting replies and interviews right away, same line of work. This time? Nadda. My husband is also being very supportive of me trying to pursue my interest in photography. It’s not that I don’t necesarily like relying on him (I’m the housewife type :p) but I don’t like not contributing, or at least being able to offer to contribute. He is DEFINTIELY not rolling in money. But, we made a commitment, that started before we got married, to be there for each other even in rough times, and now is one of them! It just happened to come sooner rather than later… I just try to help out more around the house, and such (ie, doing the dishes instead of him, tiding up when he’s at work, running errands, etc). He mentioned last night he noticed I was being more attentive to him and wondered why lol I guess I just have the energy for it now! And feel guilty for not contributing, but it’s ok. It is a tough choice, but just remember that if you are unhappy with your job, your relationship will suffer as well!
Post # 9
If you don’t hate it, I would stay at the job at least through the wedding so you have some spendable income for the extras you want. Then start sending out resumes and begin to plan with you dh how finances will work if you leave.
Post # 10
I can totally compare to your situation. Prior to me moving in with my FH I was extremely concerned with having to rely on him. I am the type of person who seriously hesitates to ask for help financially. My FH really noticed it when I was in law school, 300 miles from home & seriously had to cut corners to make ends meet. It wasnt till my battery died on my car, one day before finals, in the winter, and I had two dollars in my back account that I finally broke down for help from him. I am in law school right now & last year took a job which would really assist in my training as an attorney with the government, however I took a pay cut. Regardless, I was happy doing it and needed to do it to expand my knowledge. FH totally understood. He’s a partner at his firm and has been practicing law for probably half my life while I am still in law school and will be out next year.
Couples are a team – if you arent happy you arent happy and that definitely affects relationships. I was offered to stay home rather than work and go to law school & I refused b/c honestly that wouldnt have made me happy. He’s being there for you & sometimes its very difficult for women who are not gold-diggers and career-minded to take help. It could be a good mood not only for you but he might even see it as an investment in your relationship and happiness being that you are presently miserable at your job.
Be happy you are blessed with such a situation but DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT (not that you will) but always make sure you have means to stand your own ground – this is a transition as law school is for me. Its for the best & change at times isnt easy – but we have to make the most of it. Think of it this way, your FH really cares for you, your happiness & wants things to truly work it. You are blessed and dont forget that. Just remember to return his investments in more ways than one [ wink wink ] (I am not condoning any indicent returns by women for their men for them caring for them financially – its just a joke!!)
Post # 11
Many men love to produce for women. It’s what they do. Don’t feel guilty. Accept the help lovingly and graciously. He believes in you and you can too!
Post # 12
THanks for all the advice bees.
Here’s what I’ve decided:
I’ve given my notice at my current job. I asked for the specifics of what I’d want to stay and they weren’t able to do it. This just confirms to me that it is time to move on to do something else, so I feel at peace about it. But I should be able to stay until the end of the summer so this gives time for them to hire someone new AND for me to find more work.
I’m currently applying like mad for FULL TIME, PART TIME, YOGA JOBS, everything that looks at all promising out there.
I’m glad my Fiance and I had this talk because we know what we can do IF I don’t find much, but I’m trying to find work that will help me get closer to my professional goals. It is such an uncertain time out there, but I still have faith that this will work out and I feel happier already!
Oh and we’re going to have to do a civil ceremony before our wedding so I can go on his insurance. Love the healthcare system in this country- sheesh.
Post # 13
I teach yoga, gyrotonic, and pilates full time. I’ve been able to do it and I love it. You can too!
Post # 14
I have had somewhat of the same dilemma recently.
FH moved to a city 2 1/2 hours away in January to persue a great job in his career field. I told him I would move this summer if he was really happy there. He LOVES his job, but unfortunately I have only been able to find a casual nursing job here, so we bought a house, which he has to have the mortgage in his name alone, since I have no guaranteed income use to apply for the mortgage (we will put my name on the title once the sale is finalized).
I have car payments, student loan payments and credit cards to pay off as well as the mortgage and such and have no idea how many hours I will get and therefore how much money I will make.
To top it off, I am having some health issues, will likely not have insurance coverage because it is only casual employment (not as big of a deal in Canada, but it means I will not receive short-term disability when I m recovering from surgery)
FH is good about it all. He just wants me here with him and it willing to eat ramen and KD if thats what it takes to make ends meet and plan our wedding.
Its hard though because I got myself an education so I can be self-sufficient and support myself, and now I am looking at being supported. Its hard on the identity!