MemberI doubt if his “culture” would permit it, but what he probably needs is therapy to sort out his feelings about skin color (and race/ethnicity) and “ugliness.” They aren’t going to go away–or to stop hurting him and his family–no matter whether he puts them in words or not.
MemberI already have to deal with the comparisons now from others. My son is colicky while my daughter is quiet as can be. I constantly have to say they may be twins but the only thing they have in common is that they were born the same day. He is constantly screaming and crying and I have to deal with his family saying “I feel so bad for her dealing with her brothers scream” instead of feeling terrible for him and everything he’s going through. They are only 2 wks old and my son is getting judged by people who are suppose to love him. I don’t think his family means any harm but for me it’s just hurtful to hear.
MemberI am currently pregnant with a much wanted, very fought for child and if my husband referred to her as “ugly” I would literally go ballistic. To be fair, if I ever referred to my daughter this way, husband would feel the same way.
These are the sort of thoughts you keep to yourself. Everyone who ever went to kindergarten learned the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” mantra. Also, him saying, “it’s the truth” is also fucking obnoxious. The good looks of a 13 day old baby are not anything other than an opinion. And for a shitty ass opinion, he needs to keep it to himself.
It’s good you told him to keep it to himself. I would say the same thing to my husband. Keep that shit to yourself, don’t speak about our child that way to anyone, and try to grow as a person. Children pick up on so many things and even a man can be self-conscious and grow to have body and self-worth issues if his father, someone who is supposed to love him unconditionally and protect him from words like that, is the one doling out the insults.
I grew up in a family where you if you tripped, someone would say, “Geez, Bambi, first lap on those feet?” or if you dropped something someone would say, “Okay, Miss Butter Fingers, how ’bout we try that again?” but literally NEVER in my life did my parents refer to me or my siblings as UGLY. Our looks were never discussed.
Hopefully your husband respects your feelings and just shuts up about your kid.
MemberOk, first of all, for anyone crying racist, the OP said the favored girl is darker, not the boy who is supposedly ugly. Also OP’s husband stopped calling the baby ugly which is good. Some newborns come out a bit squashed, but they change seemingly overnight. OP, your son will not be “ugly” forever in your husband’s eyes, I’d bet money on that.
I always say look at what a person does, not what he says. If he’s being a good, supportive and helpful dad that’s the most important thing, everything else can take a backseat.
MemberMemberBy the way I know of one kid who my SIL said was an “ugly” baby and child. He is now a male model, married to the daughter of a gazillionaire. So much for being ugly….
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l have a partner who can be crass and sometimes slow to understand that it’s not funny if it hurts. Well, that is he is kind of surprised if hurt occurs if that makes sense. I don’t in any way condone your husbands behaviour, but l do wonder if there is a bit of cultural stuff going on. Culture, after all, consists of pretty much all we are accustomed to, it’s not just music and dance and food etc. Some customs are totally unacceptable to members of the very cultura they belong to. So, some sort of awkwardness and reverse pride, calling your little boy ugly because he can’t say beautiful with the ease he calls your little girl beautiful may be at play.
lf he treats them both equally and well and treats you the same and has now stopped the ‘ugly’ stuff l do agree with not making any sort of decision right now . Take it easy on yourself. Breathe, breathe….
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MemberMemberI’m glad he recognizes that his comments and behaviour are wrong and hurtful. Perhaps he’s been suffering from some type of post partum stress? I know the mothers always suffer from it in some way, but I think we forget that the dads are dealing with major changes as well. Not trying to make excuses for him though! You are both in the 4th trimester which in my opinion is just awful and so hard. Hang in there and hopefully you can lean on each other.