Am I right or wrong

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I doubt if his “culture” would permit it, but what he probably needs is therapy to sort out his feelings about skin color (and race/ethnicity) and “ugliness.” They aren’t going to go away–or to stop hurting him and his family–no matter whether he puts them in words or not.

Post # 48
4234 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am currently pregnant with a much wanted, very fought for child and if my husband referred to her as “ugly” I would literally go ballistic. To be fair, if I ever referred to my daughter this way, husband would feel the same way. 

These are the sort of thoughts you keep to yourself. Everyone who ever went to kindergarten learned the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” mantra. Also, him saying, “it’s the truth” is also fucking obnoxious. The good looks of a 13 day old baby are not anything other than an opinion. And for a shitty ass opinion, he needs to keep it to himself. 

It’s good you told him to keep it to himself. I would say the same thing to my husband. Keep that shit to yourself, don’t speak about our child that way to anyone, and try to grow as a person. Children pick up on so many things and even a man can be self-conscious and grow to have body and self-worth issues if his father, someone who is supposed to love him unconditionally and protect him from words like that, is the one doling out the insults. 

I grew up in a family where you if you tripped, someone would say, “Geez, Bambi, first lap on those feet?” or if you dropped something someone would say, “Okay, Miss Butter Fingers, how ’bout we try that again?” but literally NEVER in my life did my parents refer to me or my siblings as UGLY. Our looks were never discussed. 

Hopefully your husband respects your feelings and just shuts up about your kid. 

Post # 49
5119 posts
Bee Keeper

Ok, first of all, for anyone crying racist, the OP said the favored girl is darker, not the boy who is supposedly ugly. Also OP’s husband stopped calling the baby ugly which is good. Some newborns come out a bit squashed, but they change seemingly overnight. OP, your son will not be “ugly” forever in your husband’s eyes, I’d bet money on that. 

I always say look at what a person does, not what he says. If he’s being a good, supportive and helpful dad that’s the most important thing, everything else can take a backseat.

Post # 51
5119 posts
Bee Keeper

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@helpluv11:  Hormones. Some are gearing up now, some are crashing. Don’t worry about it, it’s natural to be emotional. It was annoying me that instead of reading your post for comprehension, people were too busy pushing a skin color agenda and making your husband out to be a racist. Massive, massive overreaction. Typical. 

By the way I know of one kid who my SIL said was an “ugly” baby and child. He is now a male model, married to the daughter of a gazillionaire. So much for being ugly….


Post # 52
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper


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@helpluv11:  Well l think it’s reasonable to be affected by it, and triply so because they are so new ( damn well done you , new mama . Two lovely babies yay) . I dare say hormones play a part, and also the natural desire to rip apart anyone hurting or insulting your babies. God l feel like that about my dogs for goodness sake .

l have a partner who can be crass and sometimes slow to understand that it’s not funny if it hurts. Well, that is he is kind of surprised if hurt occurs if that makes sense. I don’t in any way condone your husbands behaviour, but l do wonder if there is a bit of  cultural stuff going on. Culture, after all, consists of pretty much all we are accustomed to, it’s not just music and dance and food etc. Some customs are totally unacceptable to members of the very cultura they belong to. So, some sort of awkwardness and reverse pride, calling your little boy ugly because he can’t say beautiful with the ease he calls your little girl beautiful may be at play. 

lf he treats them both equally and  well and treats you the same and has now stopped  the ‘ugly’ stuff l do agree with not making any sort of decision right now . Take it easy on yourself. Breathe, breathe….

Post # 54
836 posts
Busy bee

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@helpluv11: I have a hard time understanding how a parent could ever call their own child ugly. I mean your son is the spitting image of both of you, so is he calling y’all ugly as well?

Post # 55
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m glad he recognizes that his comments and behaviour are wrong and hurtful. Perhaps he’s been suffering from some type of post  partum stress? I know the mothers always suffer from it in some way, but I think we forget that the dads are dealing with major changes as well. Not trying to make excuses for him though!  You are both in the 4th trimester which in my opinion is just awful and so hard. Hang in there and hopefully you can lean on each other. 

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