Post # 46
I doubt if his “culture” would permit it, but what he probably needs is therapy to sort out his feelings about skin color (and race/ethnicity) and “ugliness.” They aren’t going to go away–or to stop hurting him and his family–no matter whether he puts them in words or not.
Post # 47
He said he genuinely thinks all newborns are ugly and is just surprised how adorable our little girl is. It just really bothered and hurt me to hear him say this out loud and something he repeated to others. I am glad we resolved it but it still bothers me so much and can’t help but to think is the end of it or the start of it?
I already have to deal with the comparisons now from others. My son is colicky while my daughter is quiet as can be. I constantly have to say they may be twins but the only thing they have in common is that they were born the same day. He is constantly screaming and crying and I have to deal with his family saying “I feel so bad for her dealing with her brothers scream” instead of feeling terrible for him and everything he’s going through. They are only 2 wks old and my son is getting judged by people who are suppose to love him. I don’t think his family means any harm but for me it’s just hurtful to hear.
Post # 48
I am currently pregnant with a much wanted, very fought for child and if my husband referred to her as “ugly” I would literally go ballistic. To be fair, if I ever referred to my daughter this way, husband would feel the same way.
These are the sort of thoughts you keep to yourself. Everyone who ever went to kindergarten learned the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” mantra. Also, him saying, “it’s the truth” is also fucking obnoxious. The good looks of a 13 day old baby are not anything other than an opinion. And for a shitty ass opinion, he needs to keep it to himself.
It’s good you told him to keep it to himself. I would say the same thing to my husband. Keep that shit to yourself, don’t speak about our child that way to anyone, and try to grow as a person. Children pick up on so many things and even a man can be self-conscious and grow to have body and self-worth issues if his father, someone who is supposed to love him unconditionally and protect him from words like that, is the one doling out the insults.
I grew up in a family where you if you tripped, someone would say, “Geez, Bambi, first lap on those feet?” or if you dropped something someone would say, “Okay, Miss Butter Fingers, how ’bout we try that again?” but literally NEVER in my life did my parents refer to me or my siblings as UGLY. Our looks were never discussed.
Hopefully your husband respects your feelings and just shuts up about your kid.
Post # 49
Ok, first of all, for anyone crying racist, the OP said the favored girl is darker, not the boy who is supposedly ugly. Also OP’s husband stopped calling the baby ugly which is good. Some newborns come out a bit squashed, but they change seemingly overnight. OP, your son will not be “ugly” forever in your husband’s eyes, I’d bet money on that.
I always say look at what a person does, not what he says. If he’s being a good, supportive and helpful dad that’s the most important thing, everything else can take a backseat.
Post # 50
Yeah I was trying to say it’s not at all a race issue. I even went back and reread what I wrote that might’ve caused some to think it was about skin color. I try and focus on what you said sorta that actions speak louder than words. He does a lot for all of us I can’t even name everything as it’s so much! It just is so hurtful to me the word he used. I’m not sure why it’s affecting me so much.
Post # 51
Hormones. Some are gearing up now, some are crashing. Don’t worry about it, it’s natural to be emotional. It was annoying me that instead of reading your post for comprehension, people were too busy pushing a skin color agenda and making your husband out to be a racist. Massive, massive overreaction. Typical.
By the way I know of one kid who my SIL said was an “ugly” baby and child. He is now a male model, married to the daughter of a gazillionaire. So much for being ugly….
Post # 52
Well l think it’s reasonable to be affected by it, and triply so because they are so new ( damn well done you , new mama . Two lovely babies yay) . I dare say hormones play a part, and also the natural desire to rip apart anyone hurting or insulting your babies. God l feel like that about my dogs for goodness sake .
l have a partner who can be crass and sometimes slow to understand that it’s not funny if it hurts. Well, that is he is kind of surprised if hurt occurs if that makes sense. I don’t in any way condone your husbands behaviour, but l do wonder if there is a bit of cultural stuff going on. Culture, after all, consists of pretty much all we are accustomed to, it’s not just music and dance and food etc. Some customs are totally unacceptable to members of the very cultura they belong to. So, some sort of awkwardness and reverse pride, calling your little boy ugly because he can’t say beautiful with the ease he calls your little girl beautiful may be at play.
lf he treats them both equally and well and treats you the same and has now stopped the ‘ugly’ stuff l do agree with not making any sort of decision right now . Take it easy on yourself. Breathe, breathe….
Post # 53
agreed! We spoke again today and I stressed about the impact this would have if he were to continue this behavior. He agreed and said moving forward he wouldn’t say anything. He out of all people knows how it is to grow up feeling self conscious his father was not a good man at all. My husband is always loving- kissing hugging telling our babies how much he loves them and has said he never wants to stop that and he knows how hard it is to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. I interjected and said our son might only be 2 wks but you don’t want him growing up the way you did and hearing such negativity. I am glad it’s resolved but it is still hurtful.
Post # 54
I have a hard time understanding how a parent could ever call their own child ugly. I mean your son is the spitting image of both of you, so is he calling y’all ugly as well?
Post # 55
I’m glad he recognizes that his comments and behaviour are wrong and hurtful. Perhaps he’s been suffering from some type of post partum stress? I know the mothers always suffer from it in some way, but I think we forget that the dads are dealing with major changes as well. Not trying to make excuses for him though! You are both in the 4th trimester which in my opinion is just awful and so hard. Hang in there and hopefully you can lean on each other.