(Closed) Am I right to be jealous/irritated?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: would you be mad?
    yes. NOT COOL. : (224 votes)
    90 %
    no, everyone flirts. it's ok for my fiance to hang out with girls. : (17 votes)
    7 %
    other... : (8 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @bretonvirgniia:  Let’s run away together 😛

    But seriously, when you go through a tumultuous childhood it can be darn near impossible to trust anybody for the rest of your life. I try not to get all psycho girlfriend acting, because I know there is no way my Fiance can understand, but it’s hard sometimes.

    Of course, I don’t know the route source of your trust issues, but mine stem from the fact that I grew up without a mother because she was a severe drug addict. My father (who I completely idolized) lied to me all the time and put his new wife over his children. I couldn’t trust even the most important person in my life as a child. Then, moving into young adulthood, my lifelong best friend’s boyfriend brutally battered me in front of her, and she did nothing and later took his side entirely.

    The point is that when you go through things, it changes you as a person in ways that may last forever. There is no amount of love that can change the fact that you have been wronged and hurt so deeply that you find it difficult to trust. I wish our FI’s could be more understanding of this instead of taking our lack of trust so personally.

    Post # 33
    Member
    9807 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I would be mad too, he disrespected you by meeting up with her. He is in SERIOUS trouble.

    Post # 34
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @crayfish:  I understand your point, but if you feel the need to hide something (for whatever reason under the sun) you probably shouldn’t be doing it. You propose to somebody after knowing their good and their bad, and he must have known he was agreeing to marry somebody who is not comfortable with a set of behaviors (even if he finds them irrational). It’s inappropriate for him to hide things from her because it serves his purposes. Instead he should be omitting behaviors that upset or hurt his Fiance. That is how a marriage lasts.

    Post # 35
    Member
    9544 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @bretonvirgniia:  Fair enough – has he actually been dishonest? I could see how him not telling you could be seen as dishonest, but I can also see how it could just be that he didn’t think it was a big deal, and he didn’t know he was supposed to tell you. But I think you are absolutely right that you always deserve openness and honesty!! 100%!!

    Post # 36
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    That’s totally inexcusable.  I would be livid.  He would be mad too if it was the other way around.  If my guy went somewhere with a girl one on one and didn’t tell me up-front, there would be trouble.  Esp with a past of flirty messages.

    Post # 37
    Member
    240 posts
    Helper bee

    @bretonvirgniia:  yeah, i get where youd be concerned with coffee..i just know that at a bar…alcohol is involved…and when girls drink…watch out lol..ive seen it happen with my own eyes

    Post # 38
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Talking is just talking, until someone crosses a line. Why on earth would he hang out with a female that you work with ALONE?! Why are they so friendly and talkative with one another. If he wants to talk that damn much, he should be talking to you! It is wrong that he did not even tell you that he was hanging out with her. I feel like he had negative intentions and that he knew he was wrong and that is why he was not honest. Of all times he is with her, it is when you are out of the country?! You have to get to the bottom of this and then decide what to do. Side note: Do not expect other women to respect your relationship. Clearly, she does not even respect her own because she is  elbowing her way into your situation! If you are going to confront someone, it has to be him for many reasons, but mostly because he is the one your are in a relationship with…

    Post # 40
    Member
    7430 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I would be furious an probably lose all trust at that point. What do you have if there’s no trust? I wouldn’t confront the girl nfor two reasons: 1) You work for the same company, and that could really backfire potentially, 2) All the blame for this needs to be on your Fiance. This girl has no commitment to you, but your Fiance is supposed to, and he is the one who is letting you down here. I know that it’s REALLY hard for us to not want to put blame on the home wrecker, but a home can’t be wrecked unless one of the people in the relationship chooses not to protect it.

    Post # 41
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    *tight hugs* op.

    i would be so upset. i would be flaming mad. i would be fucking furious. i just have absolutely zero patience for this sort of behavior in my own relationship. i’m so sorry you’re having to go through this and deal with all this bullshit. i completely agree with PP and the problem is with your Fiance not this girl. sure, this girl is really rude and immature for playing this game with a man who is engaged but your Fiance should know better. WAY better. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @bretonvirgniia:  Yeah I’d be mad. Mostly about the hanging out with her part. I think he’s playing with fire. Doesn’t have have friends of his own?

    Post # 43
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    @bretonvirgniia:

    Personally I wouldn’t be mad but that’s because flirtation with someone else is allowed in my relationship.  Whatever I do alone with someone not my fiance I would do with them if my fiance was around.  I’ll call waiters sexy infront of him and if I’m out by myself I’ll call a random guy cutie.  My fiance is more than welcomed to do the same.  We went to a wedding and the bride was his first love and he even danced with her.  That is our relationship though and just because it works for us doesn’t mean it works for you.

    If he knows that he crossed your relationship’s boundries than he’s in the wrong.  However it’s not fair that you can hang out with that one guy friend alone but he can’t hang out with C.  I realize he knows the guy and you’ve known him for forever but to me you’re just making exceptions for yourself.  That guy friend might like you and you don’t even realize it.

    I think you should turn off your phone and computer for 24 hours and do something to calm yourself.  You probably will regret going to her house pissed.  Fighting with him at the moment is probably a bad idea.  Just calm down, think rationally, and decide to either break up or forgive him (if you forgive him than you actually have to forgive him).

    Post # 44
    Member
    917 posts
    Busy bee

    @bretonvirgniia:  you’re justified in being passed if the two of you discussed boundaries before hand and he broke them. Not cool on his part. I’d make him sleep on the couch tonight… Just so he gets the point ;).

    Post # 45
    Member
    687 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    “he wouldn’t be ok with me hanging out with some random dude that he hardly knows while he is away either.” – This right here is exactly the reason why you SHOULD be mad… If its not ok for you to do then it is sure as sh*t not ok for him to do it!!

    If he is doing something that he knows you would be mad at or upset by then I think it is cheating.. it might not be sexual but he is certainly doing something very very wrong. My cousin recently had an affair through FB.. it started off as you are discribing then within 6 months he and the woman he was “talking to” were ready to leave their wife/husband for each other.

     

    I hope everything works out Xx

    Post # 46
    Hostess
    7553 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I wouldn’t say anything to C. She’s not in a relationship with you. She didn’t break any promises to you. This has nothing to do with her.

    Focus on all your anger on your Fiance. He’s the one that broke your trust. By getting angry at C you would take the heat off the man who really deserves it. 

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