(Closed) Am I right to be jealous/irritated?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: would you be mad?
    yes. NOT COOL. : (224 votes)
    90 %
    no, everyone flirts. it's ok for my fiance to hang out with girls. : (17 votes)
    7 %
    other... : (8 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 47
    80 posts
    Worker bee

    Not cool at all!! I would be mega pissed!!

    Post # 48
    3110 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    @bretonvirgniia:  while I would hate hate hate that whore, your anger needs to focus on him. She owes you nothing. He should be the one resisting her flirtation and setting boundaries. Again, she’s a total asshole here but starting something with her won’t get you anywhere. 

    Post # 49
    804 posts
    Busy bee

    One on one with someone he’s flirting with really isn’t on given that he knows your feelings on the subject. You’re not crazy at all.

    Post # 50
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I know everyone has different boundaries in their relationship, but personally, I would be annoyed. It’s not that your Fiance has a female friend, it’s that he has one who he flirts with, he meets up with her without your knowledge while you’re out of the country, and she likes to stir up trouble.

    My Fiance has a female friend at his workplace, sometimes they go out as a group (and I’m usually invited, as is the friend’s BF) and I know they sometimes email and message each other but if I found out the messages were flirty or he’d been secretly meeting her I would be furious.

    Even if this girl is a bitch, when addressing this problem, I’d take it up with your Fiance and not her. He is the one that has made promises to you and knows the boundaries of your relationship, he’s the one that has the responsibility to not be a douche. You’d like to think that other girls have the decency not to hit on engaged men but unfortunately you don’t have a say in their behaviour. You do, however, have the right to tell your Fiance how much this has hurt you.

    Post # 51
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Also, another reason not to talk to her about it – if she likes to stir things up, and she has a thing for your Fiance, and you let her know that her flirting is causing issues with your Fiance and upsetting you – I’d bet you my pay cheque that her behaviour would not stop, if anything, she’d ramp it up even more.

    Post # 52
    683 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Your anger over this is justified but you need to make sure you direct it in the appropriate direction – your Fiance. He has no business meeting up with or continuing to meet up with this girl unless he is trying to start something with her. IMO HIS behavior is sneaky and inappropriate. This not only has the ability to impact your personal life, but also your proffesional life as well considering this “other” woman works for your company. Not Effing Cool and totally on him!  

    Whatever you do please avoid confrontation with her, especially at work. Any outbursts, especially in the office will make you look 100% crazy insane, especially in the eyes of your collegues. It’s up to your Fiance to put this fire out, plain and simple.

    ps. I get that co-workers like to meet up for HH and other schnitt, but meeting up with a member of the opposite sex one on one for drinks and not being transperant is just wrong. There are guys in my office, well, one specifically who I share chemistry with (same hobbies, like same sports, etc). I would never meet up with him without Fiance and/or his wife present.. Nothing would happen between us if we did, we are both married / engaged and genuinely good people who RESPECT our spouses enough to never cross those boundaries.


    Post # 53
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Oh I’m just gonna call a spade a spade. Maybe nothing happened but he went to the bar with this girl and didn’t tell you about it because he wants something to happen. If he knows its wrong there is nothing innocent about this situation.

    Mega douchery going on on his part. I would be mad and packing.

    Post # 54
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    Not cool.  Also I didn’t see in your original post that he told you about meeting up with this girl at the bar.  He should have mentioned it beforehand, especially considering the issue with this girl from before.  Whenever my SO goes to meet up with a female friend (or any friend, actually), he just lets me know so I won’t be wondering where he is.  Simple courtesy, I think.

    Post # 55
    2587 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

    I wouldn’t be mad that my FH was hanging out with and chatting with girls – we have separate lives, I trust him. I hang out with guys and chat with them, it’s cool. Neither of us is particularly flirty, but a bit of banter wouldn’t bother me.


    What WOULD bother me is C’s comment on how she’s in “big trouble” because you found out they’re hanging out. That implies to me that she thinks she’s more important to your FH that perhaps she is. To me it smacks of self-importance, because if it were me I wouldn’t care enough about her to be bothered that they were hanging out, but it would annoy me that she thinks she’s that big a deal, and feels she can tell me what I’m supposed to be feeling.

    Post # 56
    9681 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @joya_aspera:  +1. I’d be mad as a bull too, and I would likely charge, lol.

    @bretonvirgniia:  In some cases, you spend more time with colleagues than your own families. It is easy to confide in them, easy to overshare about your life, and easy to enter in a borderline (or actual) emotional affair.

    The fact that he kept it secret is a problem, because if there was nothing to hide than he wouldn’t have hid it. I also think it sounds like she is trying to “one-up” you and elevate her importance in his life. I am not sure why someone would be talking to a colleague while on vaca, let alone while in a jacuzzi (which I will have to assume she mentioned to give a visual, or else how did you know?).

    I don’t like the 1-1 meeting at a bar that he didn’t tell you about because it sounds too much like a date. Cheating doesn’t have to be overtly sexual – emotional affairs are just as bad. You were on vacation with his sister, and he decides it’s a good idea to hang out with another woman? Doesn’t he have male friends to watch the game with?

    I am outraged for you, and I am sorry you are dealing with this. I would confront him, but I’m not sure what good it would do as he has already broken your trust. I can’t think of any “good” reasons he could give you for his behaviour. When you’re engaged, that person should be your primary concern. He definitely went over the line.

    Post # 57
    9681 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @deetroitwhat:  I gave a very long version of this answer, lol. But yes…sometimes a spade is a spade and it needs to be said. Secret opposite sex relationships are secret for a reason.

    Post # 58
    8686 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I am sorry but I have ZERO patience for sneaky things. This seems sneaky. You didnt know about it AND he waited until you were out of town?! Even if it was platonic he wouldnt be able to convince me otherwise.

    Also….not to add to it but just bc I think I remember correctly….isnt your Fiance also the one who crashed the car and you thought it would affect your budget? And he wanted to quit his job or some other mess? It is just a bad combo of things that would make me have a serious talk with him bc I cant tolerate all of that. 

    Post # 59
    1856 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    The flirting alone? Meh. On top of all the other shit you’ve mentioned about him? Ridiculous.

    Post # 60
    2780 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think the issue is less about him innocently flirting, and less about spending time with a girl. Dounds like whats bothering you is how he doesn’t spend time with this girl until you’re out of the country and keeps there friendship from you. That makes it seem suspicious. However,  you mention trust issues you have, while it doesn’t make it right he may just be hiding it to prevent you giving him the third degree every night about this woman. Also, it’s not this woman’s responsibility to be faithful to you, so any wrong that may or may not be going on is all on your Fiance.

    Post # 61
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @MrsWBS:  I was juuuuuuuuuust thinking the same thing. After all of the shit you’ve posted, I think I would probably cancel the wedding and kick him to the curb. This will not change when you are married, and then you’re legally stuck with him.

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