(Closed) Am I right to be jealous/irritated?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: would you be mad?
    yes. NOT COOL. : (224 votes)
    90 %
    no, everyone flirts. it's ok for my fiance to hang out with girls. : (17 votes)
    7 %
    other... : (8 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    553 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    yeah this would not fly with me, Darling Husband feels the same way so we we’d both know not to be alone with someone from the opposite sex that is being flirtatious, i mean yeah maybe nothing would happen but adding alcohol to the mix? this would be a big no no for us. Also, why wouldnt he steer clear of being put in a situation where he is alone with someone he has some sort of chemistry with? You dont flirt with people you have zero attraction to, at least not for me anyway. I hope he see’s your point of view, particularly since he would not be ok with it if the tables were turned.

    any updates since your post OP?

    Post # 63
    Member
    3208 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I’m as liberal and understanding as possible without being in an open relationship, but if my guy did this WITHOUT TELLING ME? No, thanks. It’s like an invitation to chip away at built trust and breed paranoia. 

    But don’t focus your anger on the girl. Your Fiance is the only person you can hold culpable in this relationship.

    Post # 64
    Member
    1342 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @bretonvirgniia:  Just remember, she owes you nothing.  While you can despise her over this, I’d really not make it about her.  This issue is HIM.

    Do you have any updates?

    Post # 65
    Member
    1845 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @AlwaysSunny:  Thank you for saying this! I was reading this whole thing wondering if anyone else would say that!

    C has nothing to do with this..your anger should not be directed at her, she had no commitment to you but your fi does.. He’s the one who deserves your anger. 

    You shouldn’t be “friending” C on FB.. What’s the point? You’re not actually going to go “beat her up” and nor should you, that’s childish. If you want to take our your anger on someone, take it out on your fi.. He’s the one in the wrong here. 

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    11744 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MrsJX3:  I’m with you there. He is the only one with an obligation to you. Sure, it’s not cool to be a homewrecker, but she’s single and can do whatever she wants.  He on the other hand is not single and cannot do whatever he wants.  Too often women blame the other woman instead of blaming the man. I’m sure it’s easier that way but it’s not right. Sometimes the other woman doesn’t even know she’s the other woman! Sounds liek that isn’t the case here, but it does happen. My BFF was “the other woman” to an engaged man on and off for 5 years. She had NO idea he even had a gf, let alone a fiance! At one point she was engaged to another guy and maintained a friendship with the cheater and even then he would tell her he was single!  THat dude is a serious animal!

    Post # 67
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @bretonvirgniia:  I’m sorry you are dealing with this.  You have every right to be mad AND suspicious.  Someone very close to me was in a similar situation.  Her husband became friendly with a female work colleague and at first she thought nothing of it.  Then the text messages at night and on weekends started coming in with more and more frequency over time.  Then he started giving her rides home from work to you know “help her out since she travels so far by public transportation”.  Then one night during one of these rides home, husband finds himself making out with the home-wrecking work colleague.  Long story short, my friend is now divorced and the ex-husband is living with the home-wrecker.

     

    If it walks like duck and quacks like a duck…IT’S A DUCK!  If you want to remain in this relationship, I would get to the bottom of this asap!

     

    Post # 68
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @MrsWBS:  I agree that we shouldn’t be quick to blame or confront the other woman EXCEPT when she KNOWS she’s the other woman.  She may not owe the wife anything, but she owes herself some damn self-respect.  And yes, I will call a woman a home-wrecker if she went after a man knowing he was married.  Heck, the woman I referred to in my last post KNEW and HUNG OUT with the wife!  If that’s not a trifling, ratchet, hose-beast, desperate, home-wrecker then I don’t know what is.  And yes, the husband deserves an ass-whopping too!

     

    Post # 69
    Member
    11744 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @VegasSukie:  I’m with you that it’s not right, but so many women blame only the woman and let the man get off easy. Those women are the ones who need to get some self-respect in my opinion.

    I still don’t think the blame falls on the other woman though even if she knows she’s the other woman. She’s technically not doing anything wrong, he is.  

    Post # 70
    Member
    2023 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Id be pissed.

    Post # 71
    Member
    9823 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    HELL YEAH I would be mad.  I don’t have a problem with a little innocent flirting if it’s some random stranger at a bar when you’re out with your friends and leave it at that but continuous facebook message flirting and hanging out with this person while I’m out on vacation.  Oh hell no!

    But focus your anger on your Fiance and not on that girl.  While what she is doing isn’t right, she has no obligations to you (you know unless she’s a friend or family member!).  It’s your Fiance that broke your trust.  As PP stated, I also hate it when women focus on the other women and not the man that broke their trust!!

    Post # 72
    Member
    5219 posts
    Bee Keeper

    After everything you’ve posted about him… this guy sounds like bad news.

    Post # 73
    Member
    2598 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @bretonvirgniia:  Would I be mad?!?  Yes, I’d be plenty mad.  I’d also be convinced my FI was well on his way to having an affair if he wasn’t already.

    Men in comitted relationships don’t go meeting up with girls at bars when their SO’s are out of town.  This wasn’t just two good buddy’s hanging out.  I’m sorry, but I think your guy was looking to cheat.

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Let me preface this by saying: I am reading this that he did not cheat on you. All he did was go to a bar with this coworker, because my response will probably seem extreme to most bees and I want it to be clear that I know he didn’t cheat, he just went to a bar.

    Every relationship has their own rules. What works for us may not work for another couple. We are both pretty secure people and not super jealous. We are both older and divorced. We both are big on respecting each other. We are very strong because we both have extreme expectations of each other that are completely compatible. In my relationship this situation would not be ok.  We do not disrespect each other. Does he flirt, yes, he is a flirt and I know that, but there are lines that do not get crossed. The emailing flirtatious messages I would have a problem with, to me that is disrespectful.  The meeting up at a bar would be close to a deal breaker for me, because for that to happen he would have had to lie to me. If you lie to me, it means I can’t trust you and no trust means I don’t want to be with you. I will not live my life wondering what will be next, he went to a bar and lied, what else is he capable of lying about? This may sound extreme to some of you, but at my age I don’t put up with anything. So if this happened in my relationship I would be staying at a hotel tonight… but again it’s what rules you have established in your relationship, this is what would happen in our relationship.

    Again, this is not for anyone on here to debate and tell me I am wrong or how my relationship will not work because of this, this is our relationship with ‘rules’ that we both want. He has the same standards for me. That is why we are together, because we are completely compatible.

    That being said, it also shows you that no one here can really tell you what to do. For me, I would break up with him for lying to me, another bee may say ‘I wouldn’t care at all’. You and your Fiance have to establish your set of rules. You have to find in yourself what is acceptable to you and communicate that to him. If you can agree on what you will both accept from one another and move forward, then that is the best answer of all. I would never confront the female coworker. This is between you and your Fiance, she has nothing to do with it, you are in a relationship with him not her, he needs to see what he did was disrespectful and unacceptable.

    Post # 75
    Member
    9681 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @vorpalette:  +1. It’s better to avoid the legal entanglement of marriage when there are red flags all over the place. Marriage doesn’t change people, and neither does having kids. If he’s a douche canoe boyfriend, he will be a douche canoe husband or douche canoe father.

     

    Post # 76
    Member
    3823 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would be mad and I would come right out and say “I don’t want you talking to her. It makes me uncomfortable. Whatever it is, drop it. This is non-negotiable.”

    The topic ‘Am I right to be jealous/irritated?’ is closed to new replies.

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