(Closed) Am I shooting myself in the foot by TTC?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@princesslettuce14:  I don’t have kids, but most of my friends do. They still have sex, they just have to be more creative about it. Motherhood comes with a whole boat load of sacrifices, but what you get in return is worth the world (at least in my opinion).

If you aren’t prepared for your life to change at this point or to be selfless when it comes to your baby’s needs (and there is nothing wrong with this – I am not there yet either!), then maybe you should wait to TTC 🙂

Post # 4
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have 2 kids.  Can you still have sex after kids?  Sure.  Just not necessarily when or where you want it.  Having kids is a major disruption to you whole life- and anyone who tells you different is lying.  But you can still have great sex.

You will go through a mind-shift, as in “breasts are not just sexual fun toys, but are food-producers” and “vagina’s are portals for children to enter the world, not just for sexy time”.

Will sex be able to be your #1 priority still?  I doubt it.  When you have a vomitting kid with a fever then that will be your priority.  Sex will take a back seat.

Last weekend was super busy- the whole family was sick with a cold and then on top of that we had kids activities all weekend long- Girl Scouts, Soccer etc.  On Sunday night after all of it we were lying in bed and my husband looked over at me and said “I love you, I’m attracted to you but I am too tired to think about having sex right now”.  I said “Oh good- I feel the same way”.  And we laughed about it. 

But my girls are the most amazing thing I have and I would not trade them for anything. 

Post # 6
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@princesslettuce14:  I have this fear too.  I don’t want to completely lose myself in motherhood and never have alone time with my husband again.  I am afraid that after having a kid I will be wrecking my body, especially “down there”.

Post # 8
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I have two children and my Fiance and I are still very sexually active – a few times a week. Yes, we do have to worry about them first but we make do with the time we have alone. You are not going to feel like jumping back in the sack with you SO right after you have the baby. They say wait 6 weeks, I think, but of course we didn’t and I was completely fine with it. Don’t worry about “down there” not going back to normal – because it will.

I don’t know how your support system is but we are very close with our families so at least once a month either Friday or Saturday night, our children spend the night at one of our parents house and we have a date night. Sometimes, we get dressed up and make ourselves feel attractive and hit up a restaurant or a movie. Other time, we stay in, I get to take a shower in peace, blow dry my hair, apply makeup, and put on some lingerie and make myself feel sexy. 

During the summer, we have dates during the day and drive to the beach (about 1.5 horus). Hang out on the beach, drink some beer, and just have fun with each other. I love my children but I love my Fiance too – it’s just learning the balance your time with all of them. 

Post # 9
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

Once your holding a tiny fragile thing that looks just like you and your husband I don’t think you’ll mind missing sex for a few weeks quite so much.

Post # 10
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m 38 weeks pregnant with my first child, so I haven’t yet experienced the full change you’re worried about, but I think there’s something I can add here. You should be prepared for your sex life to change before the baby arrives. Up until I was about 7 or 8 months it was pretty much the same in the bedroom. But in this last month or two of pregnancy, our sex life has totally changed. Sex has become incredibly awkward as far as positioning, and my favorite positions are entirely off-limits. That takes a lot of the fun out of it. Also, my genital sensations seem to have kind of turned off. I can’t orgasm anymore and I have no idea why. Sex also sometimes triggers Braxton-Hicks contractions, which are not usually painful, but are distracting. As far as my sex drive, it hasn’t changed a whole lot yet, but I seem more focused on cuddling and closeness than on physical pleasure for myself.

All of this might be entirely unique to me and this pregnancy, but it’s worth thinking about. If you’re counting on having great sex throughout your entire pregnancy, that might not happen. When you feel ready to temporarily sacrifice your sex life for a child, you should factor in the possibility of this sacrifice beginning before the birth.

Post # 11
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t have experience in this since I’ve never carried to term, but maybe the stories you are reading about are of women who either weren’t particularly that into sex to begin with, or went through years of infertility where sex became almost a job and therefore lost it’s fun?  My husband and I have avoided that last mindset, but I have many many friends who have been ttc for years and going through timed and monitored cycles, who now only want sex when they HAVE to because it’s invasive and tiring.

Post # 12
6339 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Having a child can and does impact negatively on relationships; and part of the reason it has that affect is because of how it can affect a couple’s sex life.

I think people who think that their sex lives won’t change are naive, and people with children who insist they don’t either a) didn’t have great sex lives before or b) are lying. There are entire websites devoted to the topic, from the physical issues (scarring or stretching), to the more practical ones (lack of time, being too tired, etc).

However, I think as with anything, it’s about compromise and also acceptance. If this is really a major issue for you, perhaps you might want to wait a bit before TTC, as perhaps you’re just not ready. If you are ready, then I think you need to put it to one side, and be prepared that things probably won’t be the same post-baby, and also be prepared to have to make more of an effort.

Post # 13
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Things will only change if you let them. You are in control of your relationship.

Post # 16
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@princesslettuce14:  I have more sex with my husband now than before my first pregnancy.

Now, I will say I had c-sections, so I don’t know if that changes things or whatever.  I loved him before we had our firstborn, but I think solidifying our family made me love him more deeply, which turned into a more intense bond, which led to more sex.  I mean, sure you have to relegate sexual activities to after bedtime hours, no more quickies on the kitchen table and whatnot.

The kids, of course, take priority.  

I had zero sex drive during my first two pregnancies.  This one it comes and goes, so I take advantage when I can.  Luckily, my husband is flat out awesome and realizes that it’s not me avoiding him or something he’s doing wrong, it’s just a hormonal thing.  Just like recovering after delivery includes no sex for awhile (not to mention my PPD).  We’re pretty solid, so he knows things will be back to normal as soon as possible.  

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