Post # 1
I am an active recently married bee and using a different name to vent an issue.
I just feel like I am having a hard time holding in the resentment of the ring. I feel so guilty that I don’t like my ring very much. It was important for my husband to pick out the ring himself. We did talk about what kind of a ring I would like and we had a secret board on Pinterest to collect some ideas. I know he had a limited budget since he was off work due to a severe arm injury. He is also from another country and I am sure the engagement ring culture is a bit different.
I did say quite a few times that I would rather have a Morganite/spinal or Moissanite than a diamond that is really small. About 90 percent of the rings I showed him were pink stones and I told him that is what I really wanted. He even saved one of the rings saying it was his favorite and truthfully it was mine too. I had made it clear that I loved everything about that ring. It was a 1 carat pink spinel in a low rose gold setting. This ring was in the budget.
When he proposed, it was a .20-.25 princess cut diamond (while small, it does sparkle beautifully) in a high setting ring on a 9 Karat white gold band(9 k gold is not even sold in the USA). The band looks so skinny and plain when looking down but the side view is simple cut and scrolls is beautiful and unique but hard to see unless you look close at it. I told myself this ring was stunning, chic and etc. But I still can’t help wishing I had the one of the other rings. It was extremely difficult finding a wedding band to go with this ring with the ring being very small and thin.
Truthfully, I really thought he was going to get me the pink ring. It didn’t happen. He kept saying he put his heart and soul into looking for the best ring for me. This is why I try to love it as his feelings were more important to me than over just a ring. I live in one of the top 3 most affluent area and I try hard not to look or compare rings, but I feel like I have the tiniest ring around. (I am sure working with the affluent and surrounded by extremely wealthy co-workers have warped me on material things)
What bothers me the most is that I don’t feel like I was “heard”, I did voice what I like and what I didn’t like and he got me a ring that was more in the area of what I didn’t like. I know this ring is supposed to be a symbol and I do want him to feel good about what he does for me. I feel like it’s either him going to be all hurt deeply and upset If I get a new ring, or I keep this ring but always wishing I had something different that was more ‘me” and feeling resentful that he got something different than what I asked for. I know he didn’t do this on purpose. I know he got the diamond because he still old fashion thinking a real diamond was more special and valuable than an alternative stone regardless of size and etc. I thought I was looking at stones that were cheaper thinking he could not afford a diamond. I feel like he believes he did something great but they were from his own opinion/feelings/perspective.
I guess I am trying to figure out if my feelings are warranted or I just need to get over this with a shift of mind and move on so I am venting outloud and and see if outside perspectives can help me out.
Post # 2
I would try to get over it. There are women who have magnificent rings that end up in horrible marriages. What is important is your relationship with him.
If I got a ring I thought was hideous, I would just wear the wedding band on its own.
Post # 3
- Wedding: December 2016 - Sacred Heart Catholic Church
I think you need to get over it. Did you marry him for the ring/ wedding or for him?
I think the line that makes me think you are sounding shallow is: “I live in one of the top 3 most affluent area and I try hard not to look or compare rings, but I feel like I have the tiniest ring around. (I am sure working with the affluent and surrounded by extremely wealthy co-workers have warped me on material things)” Why does it matter what they have? The clients we get are very well off, but I would never compare my ring to theirs, because it does not prove how much my fiancé loves me.
Would you love him more if he got you an expensive ring?
Post # 4
If you really want a different ring, buy it and wear it on your right hand. I’m a big believer in the ring from your husband is a gift and a symbol of his love for you. I do think it would be rude to tell your husband he didnt hear you. Yes he bought it with his own opinions/feelings/perspective of what he thought you would like. I agree with pp that your relationship is more important than a ring.
That being said I have seen a lot of bees say that since they have to wear the ring for their lives, they want something they like and want input on it. That is valid as well, just different from my own opinion.
You will have to decide what is most important to you and how to address it effectively with your husband without causing too much hurt.
Post # 5
Another vote for getting over it. What it symbolizes is more important than what it is worth and what it looks like. If you love this other ring so much, I would talk to him about getting it for an anniversary as a right hand ring. You could even talk to him about moving his original choice to your right hand and wear the “anniversary” ring on your left hand.
I actually did not get the exact type of engagement ring I was looking for. I sent him a bunch of styles I loved and he ended up getting me a .3 carat solitaire. Admittedly I was a bit sad at first, but I’ve grown to love my ring because of what it symbolizes. He also paid for it in full even though he was only working part time at the time he bought it. It was in budget, and is 100% MINE. When I find myself getting ring envy for friends’ rings that are elaborate and huge I remind myself that their dudes will probably be paying those $5k-$10k rings off for at least five years, which is something my fiance and I value as well — paying off things and not going into debt. Not sure if that helps you but it definitely helps me get over the ring envy haha. Plus I got to choose a very sparkly wrap to go around my solitaire for my wedding band! You can’t do that with fancy engagement rings. 😉
Post # 6
you need to be able to talk to him about this – that’s what marriage is all about! Ask him why he felt the need to buy you a diamond when he knew it isn’t what you wanted. I don’t consider myself overly materialistic, but I would be hurt if my husband bought me a piece of jewelry that wasn’t my taste particularly
if we had shopped together to give him ideas – I would feel like he wasn’t listening to me or doesn’t notice my style. A friend of mine was given a ring she didn’t like because her husband “always saw himself proposing with that style ring” – that’s great and all but either find a girl that likes it if it’s so important to you or learn to appreciate what the woman you love likes (he did change the setting for her and understood her point).
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re a terrible person, but I think the thing is, it was important for him to pick out the ring himself. And you agreed to that, but really you wanted more input. Yes you tried to suggest rings, even found a ring you liked. But the decision was still his. If you were not comfortable with that, more communication along the way might have helped. I know, hindsight is 20/20. When you told him what you didn’t want, perhaps you weren’t clear enough. Who knows.
If you really think you can’t get over this and enjoy the ring, I think you should feel comfortable bringing it up to him. He’s your husband and you should be able to communicate your feelings to him and discuss your options. Maybe you can find a wedding band that fulfills your wishes. Maybe he will be totally fine getting you that ring you ultimately wanted. He will likely be hurt, but this is where the approach can soften the blow – this was more important to you than you realized at the time, and you don’t want to hurt him but you don’t want to lie to him either.
Post # 8
I am from the opposing view from PP’s on this one as this would really bother me. How long have you been married? Could you “upgrade” it on your one year anniversary to something you really want? I am going to assume you guys have a strong relationship and can communicate openly. I think after awhile its safe to say “hey husband. I love this ring and the sentiment behind it. I also really really have my heart set on this ring.” Maybe I am lucky, but I know my husband would definitely want to hear my thoughts and respect my feelings. Hopefully yours is the same. You could always put your current stone in a diamond by the yard type setting and wear it around your neck so its always on you as well.
Post # 9
Honestly I would tell him, You guys discussed what you did and didn’t like, and he went with what you didn’t like. I don’t think you are being materialistic because no one is going to think a pink spinel is equal to the worth of a 1ct diamond ( money wise) so I feel like you are more unhappy with his ignoring of your preferences. I would tell my Fiance if he bought a ring I didn’t like, I wouldn’t want him wasting his money on something I didn’t like to wear! That would just make me feel bad
Post # 10
the problem is that an engagement ring is expected to be worn all the time. That makes it different than any other gift. You can’t just say “hey thank you for the lovely sweater” and then turn around and give it to goodwill. Yes, it’s 100% his decision on what to buy for you – but it’s still your decision on whether or not to wear it and since not wearing it would cause hurt feelings it’s better to just be honest about it. Thankfully I never had this problem because my husband knows my style really well and I love my ring, but if I didn’t I know he’d rather I told him I wanted to change it rather than just not wear it ever.
Post # 11
Thanks for your responses RoseDaisyLily and KsKs1234
I definably married for the relationship but I will be honest that I was questioning why he would get me something different when he asked me what I wanted? I “almost” started to feel like my feelings/opinion didn’t really matter that much since we talked about it a lot. So relationship wise, I feel being heard is important on both sides.
Yes, I admit I am shallow when I mentioned the affluent area I live in and the environment. What I see is constantly on my mind. The others seem so happy and beaming with pride with the rings they have. It’s getting better now that my engagement and newly married status is moving along and I am not constantly asked to show my ring all the time. I don’t want the biggest flashiest or most expensive ring, just wanted one that was my style. The rings that I wanted were actually far cheaper than the one he got me. So, it is not related to the cost of the ring. I am currently working on my self-esteem and reframing the self-worth and putting it where it counts. It is a work in progress right now.
Post # 12
Yes, this is what I felt, like he wasn’t listening or paying attention to my style. I have a “loud style” so it really couldn’t be that missed. I don’t think I could have been more clearer with the pinterest board that we both shared secretly together and went over them many times. This is why I feel hurt in this regard.
Post # 13
Ouch that’s one of these topics that may get you fried by some Bees unfortunately!
I for one do not think you are shallow like a PP said. The area reference is useful because where I come from engagement diamonds really rarely go over 0.75 ct but in the US, it is really common to have over 1 ct. You are a product of your environment so I didn’t think that made you look shallow even though I truthfully don’t care what other people think. The issue is that you don’t even like it. Every time I look at my ring, I LOVE IT, I remember the first time I saw it and I get this feeling that Fiance really nailed it and I’m excited every morning to put it on. It makes my Fiance really happy to see how I love it. I think you deserve this feeling too.
I would ask him what made him choose it. Maybe he will have a beautiful story that goes with how he knew it was the ring and that will melt your heart. If he says that he thought that’s what you liked you can chuckle and say “Really?? With all the pink stones we looked at?”. I would say it lightly and not make it a big deal though because that could really hurt him.
ETA: yeah well based on your update, you admitted to being shallow so I stand corrected. I still feel like you wouldn’t feel the need to compare as much if you liked your ring though
Post # 14
If you want another ring, you buy it. I think this is a petty issue and I am another vote in the “Just get over it” group.
Post # 15
You hit the nail on the head with my feelings.