(Closed) Am I so terrible for wanting a new ring?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

I would try to get over it. There are women who have magnificent rings that end up in horrible marriages. What is important is your relationship with him.

If I got a ring I thought was hideous, I would just wear the wedding band on its own. 

Post # 3
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2016 - Sacred Heart Catholic Church

I think you need to get over it.  Did you marry him for the ring/ wedding or for him?

I think the line that makes me think you are sounding shallow is: “I live in one of the top 3 most affluent area and I try hard not to look or compare rings, but I feel like I have the tiniest ring around. (I am sure working with the affluent and surrounded by extremely wealthy co-workers have warped me on material things)”  Why does it matter what they have?  The clients we get are very well off, but I would never compare my ring to theirs, because it does not prove how much my fiancé loves me.

Would you love him more if he got you an expensive ring?

Post # 4
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

If you really want a different ring, buy it and wear it on your right hand. I’m a big believer in the ring from your husband is a gift and a symbol of his love for you. I do think it would be rude to tell your husband he didnt hear you. Yes he bought it with his own opinions/feelings/perspective of what he thought you would like. I agree with pp that your relationship is more important than a ring. 

That being said I have seen a lot of bees say that since they have to wear the ring for their lives, they want something they like and want input on it. That is valid as well, just different from my own opinion. 

You will have to decide what is most important to you and how to address it effectively with your husband without causing too much hurt. 

Good luck. 

Post # 5
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Another vote for getting over it.  What it symbolizes is more important than what it is worth and what it looks like.  If you love this other ring so much, I would talk to him about getting it for an anniversary as a right hand ring.  You could even talk to him about moving his original choice to your right hand and wear the “anniversary” ring on your left hand.

I actually did not get the exact type of engagement ring I was looking for.  I sent him a bunch of styles I loved and he ended up getting me a .3 carat solitaire.  Admittedly I was a bit sad at first, but I’ve grown to love my ring because of what it symbolizes.  He also paid for it in full even though he was only working part time at the time he bought it.  It was in budget, and is 100% MINE.  When I find myself getting ring envy for friends’ rings that are elaborate and huge I remind myself that their dudes will probably be paying those $5k-$10k rings off for at least five years, which is something my fiance and I value as well — paying off things and not going into debt.  Not sure if that helps you but it definitely helps me get over the ring envy haha.  Plus I got to choose a very sparkly wrap to go around my solitaire for my wedding band!  You can’t do that with fancy engagement rings.  😉

Post # 6
Member
8987 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ventinggirl:  you need to be able to talk to him about this – that’s what marriage is all about! Ask him why he felt the need to buy you a diamond when he knew it isn’t what you wanted. I don’t consider myself overly materialistic, but I would be hurt if my husband bought me a piece of jewelry that wasn’t my taste particularly if we had shopped together to give him ideas – I would feel like he wasn’t listening to me or doesn’t notice my style. A friend of mine was given a ring she didn’t like because her husband “always saw himself proposing with that style ring” – that’s great and all but either find a girl that likes it if it’s so important to you or learn to appreciate what the woman you love likes (he did change the setting for her and understood her point).

Post # 7
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you’re a terrible person, but I think the thing is, it was important for him to pick out the ring himself. And you agreed to that, but really you wanted more input. Yes you tried to suggest rings, even found a ring you liked. But the decision was still his. If you were not comfortable with that, more communication along the way might have helped. I know, hindsight is 20/20. When you told him what you didn’t want, perhaps you weren’t clear enough. Who knows.

If you really think you can’t get over this and enjoy the ring, I think you should feel comfortable bringing it up to him. He’s your husband and you should be able to communicate your feelings to him and discuss your options. Maybe you can find a wedding band that fulfills your wishes. Maybe he will be totally fine getting you that ring you ultimately wanted. He will likely be hurt, but this is where the approach can soften the blow – this was more important to you than you realized at the time, and you don’t want to hurt him but you don’t want to lie to him either.

Post # 8
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am from the opposing view from PP’s on this one as this would really bother me. How long have you been married? Could you “upgrade” it on your one year anniversary to something you really want? I am going to assume you guys have a strong relationship and can communicate openly. I think after awhile its safe to say “hey husband. I love this ring and the sentiment behind it. I also really really have my heart set on this ring.” Maybe I am lucky, but I know my husband would definitely want to hear my thoughts and respect my feelings. Hopefully yours is the same. You could always put your current stone in a diamond by the yard type setting and wear it around your neck so its always on you as well.

Post # 9
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Honestly I would tell him, You guys discussed what you did and didn’t like, and he went with what you didn’t like.  I don’t think you are being materialistic because no one is going to think a pink spinel is equal to the worth of a 1ct diamond ( money wise) so I feel like you are more unhappy with his ignoring of your preferences.  I would tell my Fiance if he bought a ring I didn’t like, I wouldn’t want him wasting his money on something I didn’t like to wear! That would just make me feel bad

Post # 10
Member
8987 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

the problem is that an engagement ring is expected to be worn all the time. That makes it different than any other gift. You can’t just say “hey thank you for the lovely sweater” and then turn around and give it to goodwill. Yes, it’s 100% his decision on what to buy for you – but it’s still your decision on whether or not to wear it and since not wearing it would cause hurt feelings it’s better to just be honest about it. Thankfully I never had this problem because my husband knows my style really well and I love my ring, but if I didn’t I know he’d rather I told him I wanted to change it rather than just not wear it ever. 

Post # 13
Member
327 posts
Helper bee

Ouch that’s one of these topics that may get you fried by some Bees unfortunately!

I for one do not think you are shallow like a PP said. The area reference is useful because where I come from engagement diamonds really rarely go over 0.75 ct but in the US, it is really common to have over 1 ct. You are a product of your environment so I didn’t think that made you look shallow even though I truthfully don’t care what other people think. The issue is that you don’t even like it. Every time I look at my ring, I LOVE IT, I remember the first time I saw it and I get this feeling that Fiance really nailed it and I’m excited every morning to put it on. It makes my Fiance really happy to see how I love it. I think you deserve this feeling too.

I would ask him what made him choose it. Maybe he will have a beautiful story that goes with how he knew it was the ring and that will melt your heart. If he says that he thought that’s what you liked you can chuckle and say “Really?? With all the pink stones we looked at?”. I would say it lightly and not make it a big deal though because that could really hurt him.

ETA: yeah well based on your update, you admitted to being shallow so I stand corrected. I still feel like you wouldn’t feel the need to compare as much if you liked your ring though

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  brideprivee.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  brideprivee.
Post # 14
Member
9079 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

If you want another ring, you buy it. I think this is a petty issue and I am another vote in the “Just get over it” group.

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