(Closed) Am I still there?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I was there and it is incredibly frustrating!

There are two things you can do:

1) Propose to him (this wasn’t an option for me because I really really wanted the whole down on one knee and hear the words Will You Marry Me? thing)

2) Wait! Guys often take longer to get ready to take the plunge than women. He loves you and he will do it in his own time frame and unfortunately all you can do is wait! The only thing that helped me (a bit) when I was pulling out my hair waiting for the proposal is that I would remind myself that I am with the man of my dreams and we are in a happy healthy relationship and I should be the happiest girl in the world! It worked sometimesWink It also helped to come on weddingbee and vent!!!!!

Post # 4
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

You are definitely not going crazy, trust me. I have been where you are and I honestly rarely think about it anymore (okay not as intensely as i used to). Do the two of you live together?  If so or even if not focus your energy on other things: decorate, bake, make crafts, exercise, garden, etc to keep your mind off the proposal.  also i am a firm believer like most of us in waiting and those that are already engaged that the more you talk about it the more he rejects it.  (now it took me a while to get to this realization, just check my vent posts) i don”t want you to think i know it all because if i did i’d definitely be planning my wedding, but i know that since i haven’t brought it up life has been a lot easier and we have had a lot of fun and been the same great couple that we always were. i still send him pictures of rings sometimes but only if they are like surprisingly good deals or if i originally thought i’d want a certain carat size and then see it on someone and go omg that’s way too big please don’t get me anything that big.  but i also have a serious jewelry fetish and i think he knows that. i love all things jewelry and actually have my eyes on a great pair of earrings lol… poor m gets pix of everything.. sorry to go off on a tangent, but i have learned that if i come here to vent my frustrations then i don’t vent them towards him.

You just have to redirect your energy into something else so that when he proposes or is ready he’ll think it’s all his idea and you didn’t pressure him.  Another thought that I started having when all I spoke about was the proposal was OMG what if he does it just to shut me up?? I definitely don’t want that either. I want him to do it because he wants to spend the rest of his life making me laugh and letting me take care of him and snuggle with him every night.  I hope this helps, but I know it won’t for at least another few weeks, with me I got PISSED whenever someone told me to stop talking about it. Or to stop thinking about it.  How could I stop when that was all I wanted? It’s like telling an addict to stop cold turkey or something!! But with therapy (my WB vents and friends) slowly the addiction isn’t really there anymore I still think about it but I want to be with him for the rest of my life so it doesn’t matter if it takes three months (swoon a Christmas proposal) or three years (faint I’ll be nearly 32 and the eggs will only have 3 years left) I still want to be with him.

Post # 5
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have come to the realization that it’s our society that has made marriage not as attractive imho to guys. 

This might be considered controversial, but here goes.  I think that the fact that even if we don’t “live” with our boyfriends, we’re practically there all the time anyway.  And this familarity and having the best of both worlds (being single, yet being able to spend as much time with their girlfriend and have her cook for him, and be physically available) is great to them.

I think that there has to be an earthshaking realization that has to happen in order for a guy to want to marry a girl.  for my brother in law, it was him entering medical school and having to move 7 hours away from her.  He was afraid he’d lose her forever as she was still a senior at Ole Miss, really really cute, and at a neighboring university was her ex boyfriend, a popular and good looking baseball player who’d love to have stolen her away from him at any time.  So he had motivation to ask her. 

I also think there comes a time to guys when kids are very very important.  I know for T it’s super important.  He’s already 100 percent committed to being a great stepdad (and truthfully more of a dad) for my son and knows I’d be the greatest stepmom to his kids too (they love me).  Guys want roots.  They do.  And when that desire hits them, they act on it.  Plus there’s the romantic love wink wink. 

I think it is either one or the other (earthshaking realization and or kids) that makes them want to get married.  If not, they’d be happy to carry on dating long term happily (serial daters if you will) getting all their needs met and doing whatever they want too (think George Clooney here).

So we have guys today practically living with their girlfriends (or maybe living with them already) getting all the benefits ,except the tax breaks, of marriage WITHOUT having the actual marriage.  I’d think it’s a good setup for some of them.  So unless they have one of the 2 situations happen, I think many intend on just sailing along just as they are for quite a while.

Btw, Crebre80, the eggs have much longer a life.  I’m 40 and my doc says I’m fine.  I could at any time if I wanted to to get pregnant!  But that differs from woman to woman.  

Post # 6
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Belle: My cousin and I totally agree with you.  For a while in our circle a guy would get in an accident or a close family member would pass away and BAM engagement and very soon after marriage. It was ridiculous!! We would always say okay if he’s in a car accident bada bing bada bang here comes our proposal.  Isn’t that a very macabre way to think?!  I know M gets the best of both worlds I tell him all the time that he has it better than his friends that are married or not because I cook, clean, entertain, run errands, etc.  And I personally know I have it better than his friends’ wives or girlfriends or even most of my girlfriends’ because I don’t really have to work a full-time job, more of a pt job and my own business and we’re okay AND we talk all the time and laugh etc.  The people that got married because of the life shattering changes are miserable :(…. Makes me so sad…  And my eggs are probably going to be gone at 35(mentally) in my opinion because  my son would be 15 and there’s no way I am having a fifteen year old and an infant. It’s just strange in my opinion. I mean if I were to wait until I’m 40,  M would be 44 and our kids would be 20 and 18, omg I had my son when I was 20 that’s just way strange for me.  Even though I hear my stepmom is having her first at 41 so my baby brother/sister is literally 29 years younger than me.  Just not a good look.

Actually I think I may have a comment on everything Belle has said. I completely agree with you on the dad thing!! Yesterday we were unpacking the uhaul and one of the neighbors asked my son something like your dad just called you and my son said no he’s not my dad he’s my mom’s boyfriend but actually he is sort of like my dad he does xyz and i asked m if he heard and he just grinned and said yeah.  we both think it’s pretty cool because my son adores him and he’s a great role model for him. sigh i love to see them interact they are very funny together. and when the three kids and he are together all that is missing are the cookies and the remote! lol so they can watch movies.

Post # 7
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@bellenga- I think that you’re right for a lot of guys. There are still some guys though that WANT to get married. My boyfriend is totally one of those guys… he wants the security of a marriage as much as I do. It also helps that i told him I wouldn’t move in with him until we were engaged… but honestly I think even if we were living together he’d want to get married.

Post # 9
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) waiting I think you have the turning 30 itch (i’m 29) so i totally know what you’re going through.  just relax and come here to vent and everything will work out.  btw does your boyfriend know how long it takes to plan a wedding? sometimes they think it only takes like three months and they don’t realize all of the logistics involved.  maybe you should mention that a colleague is getting married in 2010 and she doesn’t think she can get everything done in time etc. and then he may be surprised that it takes so long.

Post # 10
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m a little surprised that nobody has said what helped me the most keep from going crazy.  Talk to him.  Not nagging.  But sit down, and explain that you are going crazy, and explain why.

I think you need to explain to him that 1) you would like to get married next September; 2) that you want children before you are 35; 3) if he is unwilling to commit to you, you will leave him (you don’t have to give him a date to ask by, but you need to make it clear that unless he asks soon, you’re out of there.)  He will probably get all squidgy and tell you that he’s not going to be pressured into it.  Don’t take that crap.  It’s how guys use the proposing thing to assert their power and control and completely disrespect our feelings.  (Waiting is the worst because it makes us feel completely powerless.)

I finally sat down with mine and said, “listen, I’m going insane because I feel like you don’t care about my feelings because you know how much you are tormenting me by not asking and you already said you were ready so I feel like you’re not asking just to make a point about not being pressured into it, which means you’re just trying to waste my time and make me more anxious, and that you don’t respect my feelings or care about my happiness, and I’m not sure I want to be with somebody that doesn’t respect me.”  Explaining it like that worked a lot better to convey how upset I was compared to hysterical crying (which happened too).  It also opened the communication pathways more and that is when I stopped going crazy.  It was another 2 months before he asked, but I felt less nuts. 

Do not go crazy on your own – talk to him!

Post # 11
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Waitingbee, I totally understand and I am a health care professional just as you are.  You have a demanding job.  You carry so much weight on your back and you just want to know that this is moving forward right?  It’s the next stage and the knowing he has made that committment to you that’s important right?

Have you had that talk with him?  The “I love you but if we’re not getting married I need to know because I won’t be here forever as I wish to marry” talk?  have you asked him what the barrier is to why he has not asked yet?  Tell him you have to know because of all this time invested in the 2 of you.  I would have that talk asap to him since the length of time you’ve been together.  He says it, but you aren’t feeling it and it is making you doubt things.  I am with you 100 percent that words do not equal actions.  They have to mesh. 

The over 35 thing is generally speaking for everybody, and the person and their body is unique.  Aware of the egg issue too. Many at 40 might not be able, but I definitely can.  It’s a matter of if I choose to or not at this point, that’s all.  I have three friends who became moms over forty btw.  Kids are fine.  Pregnancies fine.  They just took very good care of themselves and their health and chose outstanding providers.  Ugh.  I’ve seen as of last week, two patients who were my age but looked as if they could be my mom.  Both were smokers, one had abused drugs, and the other very obese and a smoker.  You can <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>so do things to speed up that infertility thing! But you know that 😉

It’s wonderful to have another health care bee here too!  We’ve got myself, Mrs. DG, Jelly and I am sorry if I forget the others, who are all healthcare bees in love!  So glad you’re here.  Vent all you wish here and know you’re among friends! 

Post # 12
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t want to be the only “negative” poster on here – but maybe you should just not bring it up for a while? My fiancee (now husband) and i talked about marriage regularly but (unbeknownst to me) he was trying to find the opportunity to surprise me. So by me bringing it up each week, he know that if he proposed THAT week, it might seem like it was just because I was nagging or it wouldn’t be a surprise. He ended up telling me he wasn’t sure he was ready at all (which totally crushed me). I “got over” the marriage bug and grew more content with what we had (a live-in relationship) and he proposed three months after the “not sure I’m ready” talk. BUT – when we had that talk – he already had the ring!!

Long way of saying, maybe ease up and see if that helps.

Post # 13
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I think Crebre80 is right about the turning 30 itch. I’ve been feeling the same way and I’m 28. I’ve been worried about having kids before I’m too dang old.LOL

I totally feel you saying he tells you it’s gonna happen, but you still aren’t satisfied. You just want it NOW.LOL But not in a crazy person way.

I think you should do like another poster and not talk about it for a while. Join the “not a word til Christmas” challenge. AND try it for yourself. Try a new hobby also. I know doing my hobby, attempting scrapbooking,lol, and it helps to concentrate on other things.

Hope that helps!

Post # 14
Member
32 posts
Newbee

@Crstnbeach  I have a feeling that is the same thing happening to me now.  SO said he wasn’t “100% sure”, which was upsetting since everything prior that he had said would have been a lie.  I don’t think he meant to upset me so much, because I received two dozen roses that morning at work.  He ended up backpeddling a little.  Right now, I leaving things as they are.  We’ll see!

Post # 15
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

@edb, i totally agree with you, talking to my bf definitely made me feel less anxious, and though i’m still waiting, it doesn’t bother me in the same way it used to. we had a series of long, very honest and open, and non-hysterical, talks about it over the summer, and it really boiled down to me needing to hear that he was definitely thinking about it, and he wanted to do the proposal on his own, and me saying it’s hard to have no control over it when i’m waiting, and us both being understanding. i was very clear that i didn’t want to pressure him, and that the last thing i would want would be for him to propose before he felt 100% ready, but i did need to know that he was thinking about it. and it’s been like  a million times better since then, we sometimes talk or joke about wedding planning stuff, like lately we’ve been talking about music for the party, but mostly i’m just calmer and am enjoying what we have now.

Post # 16
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

Bellenga makes an interesting point.  I don’t think it applies to every guy out there, but I think it applies to my guy in a way.  He seemed much more into the idea of getting married asap when he first got back from Iraq.  Now, he seems pretty satisfied with the way things are, so why change it?  I had this thought on Sunday after I dropped him off at the airport.  But I’m getting off topic here.

Try having a conversation with him.  I know I’m not an expert, but we had a talk a few months ago and we are going to have another talk tonight (thanks to the great advice from the hive).  It helps ease my anxiety about it, and it’s easier to put things in perspective when I actually know what he’s thinking instead of assume. 

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