- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
I’ve written other posts here about feeling ambivalent about a group of my friends, how they’ve been really unsupportive of me and my Fiance and really dismissive about how serious our relationship has been. It’s a group of three girls I met while out of state at school, they’re a few years younger than me. We’re all in really different places in our lives — one girl, who is local to me now, has just finished her grad program and is trying to find a job while living with her parents, another is just starting undergrad as an adult, and the third has quit her associate’s degree to go live with her girlfriend across the country. We were inseparable a few years ago, but I moved back to the East Coast and had to deal with family things — I lost my grandmother, who was a second mother to me, I finished up a nasty divorce and lost all my college friends in the process, I quit my PhD program because it was emotionally toxic (and they wouldn’t fund me), and I met my now Fiance and we moved in together.
My Fiance and I are really great together. My parents love him, we mesh on every level, and we’re really happy together. Our lives are difficult, but that’s the reality of student loan debt and the economy, it really has nothing to do with him and I. FI also has been diagnosed this year with a serious chronic illness that is frequently disabling, and most of my free time has been devoted to working on his doctor’s appointments and pt sessions and such like that. I don’t mind, and he is appreciative. I’m finishing up a distance MA in a different field right now, which gives me the time and freedom to really take care of him.
So that’s the background information. I wrote a lot about it in another post about their less than supportiveness. So the local girl, we’ll call her Mary, used to invite my Fiance and I and our housemate over to watch movies every other week or so. We’d been doing that since we moved to the same town, about a year ago. Two months ago, after Mary and I went on a long car trip together and she pinned me down about how I don’t get out of the house enough, I talk about my schoolwork too much, and I complain about my health and my FI’s health too much, and I basically am no longer any fun, she sent a text about movie night. I replied that it would be fun, and my Fiance was feeling well enough to join us. She sent a text that she hadn’t intended for him to come, but that was fine, it would be rude to refuse now. A few hours later, I had a migraine hit me like a truck, and I had to decline at the last minute. We didn’t really talk much since then — some comments on twitter, some random texts, nothing major, but not radio silence, either.
Out of the blue on Monday, I get this email from Mary about how I’m being passive-agressive and giving her the silent treatment, how she’s willing to fight for this friendship even if I’m not, and that we need to meet for coffee or ice cream or something before she’s swamped with helping her mom move out of town, and by the way, when she says “you should come over,” she only means me, not my Fiance, and she’ll let me know if she ever wants to see him. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, honestly. I hadn’t meant to be passive-aggressive, especially since we were tweeting and texting and joking. I had wanted to give us some distance, and my schedule was eaten by FI’s health issues, my grad school work, and dance classes, things I had been tweeting about and posting about on Facebook, so they weren’t exactly secret. But I understand that can be misinterpreted over text.
The thing that bugs me is how she went from being friendly with my Fiance when we were dating to giving him the cold shoulder now that we’re engaged — defriending him on all social media, and now this “you’ll know if I ever want to see him” shtick. I find that really problematic. If she hadn’t liked him from jump, that would’ve been one thing. But she was over here all the time before the engagement, and we were over there all the time, and none of it seemed to be a big deal, everyone got along. Now, she doesn’t want to see him, and we’re not invited to anything with her jointly, and Mary and I need to have serious discussions, apparently, about what Mary thinks about my life choices.
I can’t help but feel like this is the moment to gracefully step out of the friendship, to email her back and apologise for the fact that I behaved in a way that was passive-aggressive, but trying to cut my Fiance out of my social life completely is not going to happen, and I don’t need to be taken for task for being busy like a naughty puppy. I don’t want to like, jump down her throat, she’s a good girl otherwise, but this strikes me as a bridge too far. Am I taking it too personally? Is it reasonable to have a mutual friend become decidedly un-mutual after the engagement is announced? Or is this just a bundle of rude and I’m right to cut my losses?