(Closed) Am I terrible?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds very frustrating (and very common)! Unfortunately I don’t think you can say anything. It’s going to have to come from your Darling Husband, bc they are his family. There will probably be some hurt feelings but hopefully they will get over it, and you can all stay sane forever 🙂

I would get him to say something like: “Mum/Dad, we gave you those keys for an emergency, not for using all the time. Bloodgo1 and I are newlyweds and we’re really enjoying our new house together, we still want to see you we just think we need some more time alone to get used to it all. We would love to see you every Sunday/every second Sunday for lunch though, what do you think?”

Something like that – be upfront about how often you’d like to see them, so they hopefully realise it’s not that you *never* want to see them, just that it’s too often at the moment. I think it’s good to nip this in the bud now, assuming you’ll be in the area for a long time and if you keep bottling it up and not being clear about your expectations you will go crazy 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
14185 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You need to talk to your husband about this. He probably was thinking from a logistical stand point, that the help with the patio was a necessity. Let him know when you want to try things, just the two of you, before bringing in extra help

The stopping over all the time, randomly, unnannounced, is 100% NOT OK. he needs to put the kabosh on that right this very second

Post # 5
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree that your husband needs to talk to them and tell them the keys are for emergencies ONLY and they have no right to burst into your private home whenever they please.  It is about setting boundaries with them.

I agree with mountain.bride about maybe setting dates with them when you will do things together or they will come over so they don’t feel like you are cutting them off.

Post # 6
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to talk to your husband and set some ground rules.  It is not okay for them to come over all the time.  It is not okay for them to let themselves in unless its an emergency or you’ve given them permission.  

Post # 7
Member
23 posts
Newbee

that is not cool they are letting themselves in and out of ur home. do they pay the mortgage/rent?? i’d change the locks ASAP and do NOT under any circumstances give them a key. and setting specfic times that work for all of you is a good idea.

Post # 9
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

You are absolutely not terrible.  Part of being mature adults is drawing healthy boundaries.  Your home is for you and your husband to make and nurture.  If you (as a couple) don’t deal with this now, imagine what will happen as time goes on.  Imagine after children (if you plan to have them)!  Hang in there, communicate how important this is, and good luck. 

Post # 11
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

(((hugs))).  Sorry I don’t have any advice.

Post # 12
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Did he know that you were planning on doing things in your own house today?  If so, that’s really mean of him to cancel plans with you to work on his parents house.  He could got over there later in the week or next weekend and help them but he already had plans with you.

Post # 13
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

I am sorry that this didn’t get resolved before you got married.  Maybe you could get the locks changed on the doors ASAP  if your husband won’t do anything about talking with his parents about not coming over and doing things.  Perhaps you can set time aside to go shopping with your Mother-In-Law to get things for the house together. (Probably not right now, because of how you are feeling)  I am sure that her intentions are good, but yeah, not okay.  And I am a mom & Mother-In-Law.  (Maybe if they catch you in the act, they will not come over unannounced!!  LOL !!!  Sorry, just had to say that)  But seriously, you could maybe when calm tell your husband that you love his parents but that it is really wonderful that you want to have this newlywed time to make your house a home WITH HIM, and that you are beginning to feel really resentful of them, and that you REALLY don’t want to feel resentful, because you really do love and care for them.  He really needs to put you first!  Otherwise, you will NOT be fond of them, and you don’t want that to happen.  Good luck!!! 

Post # 14
Member
5766 posts
Bee Keeper

I had the same issue with my IL’s and they didn’t live close by. They felt it was OK for them to just randomly drop by (usually around dinner) and the first few times I just dealt with it. Never did I expect it to happen continuously. I was wrong. They made me resent their unnannounced visits,to the point that I said to my Mother-In-Law one day that I just read a really great article about newlyweds and their desire to be alone,etc, along with a sign one couple made to put on their front door, kind of like a No Solicitation thing…it read ‘Please Don’t Knock if You Didn’t Call First’. lol

I made my point in a roundabout way,but it worked. No more drop in visits from them. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
3226 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry…that is seriously annoying.

I would change the locks, and not give them a set…why do they have their own set of keys???

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