(Closed) Am I the only one not enjoying being a newlywed? Venting!!

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wifeinneed:   First of all – please try to get all thoughts of possibly having an affair out of your mind altogether.  If you want your marriage to work you need to stop allowing thoughts like that to have a place in your mind or heart.

Secondly – try to put yourself in your DH’s place, just a little.  Don’t be a bottomless pit who is never satisfied with the affection and love he gives you.  You will wear him out if you do.  Try appreciating what he does  give you and express that appreciation to him. 

You sound as though you miss the romantic, “falling in love,” passionate stage of a relationship.  I’m just like you, I crave intimacy, excitement, romance, the works – so I understand how important love like this is – it’s called Eros  love and is just as valid as any other love need. 

Maybe you can explain to your DH that you love him in many ways, as well as erotically, and that one way you show this love is through physical affection, compliments, etc. 

But never being pleased with what he gives you, emotionally and romantically speaking, will only push him away and make him feel it’s hopeless to please you.  You don’t want him to feel that way if you want more love and romance. 

Pointing out things he’s doing wrong will backfire in getting what you need and want.  Praise him for what he does right and that will go much further.

Edit: I have one question – has he always been this way or is this a recent change?

Post # 5
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you’re in the mood to read another book, I thought “Feeling Good Together” was fantastic.  It really helped me learn to talk to people in a way that they could actually listen, so check it out sometime. 

As far as the low sex goes… I mean, you guys have to meet somewhere in the middle.  It sounds like he does want to have sex with you, just not as often as you want.  That’s ok, and I imagine a lot of couples have different drives.  You can also start trying to investigate what things seem to turn him on.  Maybe you can get the affection you want without necessarily pushing things toward sex, too.  I’m thinking, maybe give him a long massage, or hold his hand while you’re watching tv.  Just little acts like that might wake up the passion. 

Post # 7
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well if he won’t go to counseling with you, there’s no harm in going yourself.  It’s not just about learning to sooth yourself or get over it… it’s about zeroing in on exactly what the problem is and then exploring ways to talk to him about it.  There’s gotta be a reason that he seems to be pulling away, though, so that’s something that going to counseling together would address.  But as far as feeling like you want him more than he wants you… I mean, maybe you’re simple making yourself too available, so he’s taking you for granted.  He’s getting everything he wants, so he doesn’t see the problem.  Why don’t you try to reach out to some friends, take a couple classes, and really try to get out of his hair for a couple evenings a week.  It might very well be that he just feels smothered, and if you suddenly had some interests besides him, he’d start to miss you and reach out more.

Post # 9
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t want this to come off as rude, but I have a couple questions.

If he has never been an affectionate or romantic person why did you think that this would change after getting married?  I find on these boards a lot that people assume that their partner will change once the wedding is over and it almost never happens- if anything, people get more lazy about these types of things. 

If you knew that his personality was this way, and that it may lead to feelings of inadequacy or self-consciousness, why did you get married?  If it is because of all the other amazing attributes that you listed, why are these no longer enough?

I don’t want to come off as mean, I just think that if you can work through these questions you might be clearer on what you want/need for the relationship to work.

🙂 Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@wifeinneed:  it sounds like he isn’t showing you love in the way you want him to show it to you – but is showing you love in his way.  

I understand the frustration, but constantly getting upset at him for not ‘speaking’ to you in the way you wish to be spoken to doesn’t sound like it’s working.  Try to do some role reversal – if he was constantly getting upset at you for not being affectionate and you were making efforts/feeling like you were being affectionate, all of your efforrts would seem pointless.

I’d suggest being very direct about the affection you want: ie: honey, I’d like to have sex some time this week.  Or, honey, I really need a hug right now.  You may or may not get it (and if you don’t, it’s not grounds to start a tantrum), but at least you are communicating in a matter of fact way.

All you can do is focus on the things that you do love about him (the sweet, funny, etc) and enjoy the moments where you are intimate.  

As for the argument, I’d use it as a launching pad for a discussion about it when you guys talk tonight.  ie:  I was really hurt that you got upset at me asking to have sex again.  

This is a big assumption, but my guess is he may feel like a piece of meat and wants to be seen as something other than a sex object.

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think first of all you have to think of him and jus your self. All I see is a lot of I I I, in your vent. Consider his needs, I think this is a classic case of having mixed match sex drives. You need to back off and give him some space, communicate and work on both of you doing things for each other, perhaps plan some sex, or attempt to agree on the number times you agree to attempt to  do it per week.

Just because he doens’t need sex as much or is as touchy doesn’t mean he loves you. I also agree with taking cheating or even thinking about it off the table completely. You guys should make an active effort to communicate and take steps to work on your issues. 

Post # 12
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It is frustrating and even disheartening when our hopes and dreams for marriage do not necessarily align with the reality of married life.  I’ve been married for three years, and DH and I are still trying to fine-tune our individual expectations in all areas, including our physical relationship.

What you’re experiencing is definitely not unique.  As some prior posters pointed out, often what one person in a marriage thinks is enough (whether that involves sex, time spent together, or being made to feel like a priority), is perceived by the other partner as being terribly insufficient. What often ends up happening is that the person who feels as if his or her expectations are not being met feels as if he or she is not really being heard or understood and, therefore, tends to increase the frequency or “volume” of the conversation about these topics.  The other person often tends to then feel criticized for not being perceived as “sufficient” and gets angry and upset the that the other person keeps raising the topic. Both parties in these situations tend to truly believe that they’re right.  However, as a prior poster noted, there needs to be some compromise.

I encourage you to get some counseling together, if your DH will go with you, or, if he will not right now, by yourself, because it really will help you to see and understand the other person’s position, even if you still do not necessarily agree with that position. 

I also want to reinforce what @Sunfire: was trying to convey to you about the importance of not considering options outside of your marriage, as no good will ever come of that. It would be very dangerous to begin comparing how much attention your DH is showing toward you with the type of attention other men have been showing you.  I know that such attention may feel great, but, if you were to begin to allow that to become a substitute for the affection you perceive that your DH is not giving to you, it could have some very disasterous and painful consequences for your marriage.

Post # 13
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Marriage is never easy.

Post # 15
Member
10368 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

He has never really been the romantic kind or very affectionate but would try and that was enough for me

Except, it ISN’T enough for you. It sounds like you were hoping he would change, which never, ever works out, and always ends up being a huge disappointment after a marriage. You knowingly married someone who wasn’t giving you what you want/need and now you are frustrated that it isn’t working out.

Only you can decide if you made the right choice, because getting him to change is not going to work.

Post # 16
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@wifeinneed:  I’m glad you aren’t offended.  My dad came from a family that very VERY rarely showed affection (he never once saw his mom and dad kis… not even a peck!) and my mom came from a family that was completely opposite! The good news: they have been married 35 years and are best friends and have been able to strike a balance between what each of them feels is “normal”. The bad news: I think that my mom still feels like she wishes my dad could be more outwardly affectionate.  She knows that he loves her more than anyone in the world, but it is a struggle that he can’t always SHOW it. 

If this guy is great in all other aspects, I’d say stick it out and tell him that it order for your marriage to stand the test of time there needs to be some form of compromise. 

I really wish you the best of luck and hope that both of you can find a way to feel fulfilled and comfortable.

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