- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
Both of those were extremely racist. I would not feel comfortable having something like that on my Facebook wall. I would try to sit down with her face to face and ask her why she did that. You will hopefully get a clear idea what her intentions were. If she really thinks you are inadequate, then there is no way you should invite her to your wedding.
THEN she sent me a message asking if she was invited to the wedding so she could meet my “good black man.” I kind of want to reply “no, I dont want anyone at my wedding that apparently thinks I’m not good enough to marry a ‘good black man.'”
This ‘friend’ of yours sounds jealous. And extremely passive-aggressive. I’d ask her straight up why she felt the need to post that to your profile, since the overall tone of the post was racist, belittling, and unnecessary. Depending on her reply, it may be a good idea to remove her from your friends list, as well as life. Friends are there to support you, not try to hurt you with snarky moves and passive-aggressive behavior. True love does NOT know color, gender, etc. If she cannot be happy for you, she needs to go be UNhappy somewhere else.
Also, I posted on the picture that I thought it was judgmental. So if I’m “docile” because I’m not yelling at her, cussing at her, blocking her, ect, then I’m perfectly fine with that. Its not in my nature.
I also told her that we would only be having close friends and family there, and she just said okay.
I would unfriend her. She obviously has issues and isn’t bright enough to recognize that, and instead takes it out on those around her. People like that are toxic. Best to ignore and avoid.
According to my handy dandy Merriam-Webster Dictionary the definition of docile is as follows:
1) Easily taught
2) Easily led or managed
According to a define: docile search on Google, the definition of docile is as follows:
Ready to accept control or instruction; submissive.
I encourage you to go back and reread everything the OP has written to this point. Just because someone choses to live their life with tact and class does not mean she is docile, and she certainly doesn’t seem ready to accept control from this girl. That would be like me saying that since you don’t consider yourself docile, you don’t have tact or class. That simply isn’t the case. You do not need to be either docile or aggressive. You do not need to be one or the other. If she were docile, she’d have rolled over, accepted this girl correct in her actions, and wouldn’t have come here to post about it.
Instead, you’ve chosen to take the letters written and apply them to the OP, whom the letters were not about. You then chose to label her as being docile, alluding to the idea that the man’s racist and sterotypical response was acurate. Perhaps in an attempt to insult her by claiming that she is allowing this girl to treat her this way? I certainly hope this wasn’t you’re intent.
There is this lovely thing called “Thinking through your actions, and assessing the consequences.” If you always act on impulse you run a risk of making yourself out to be a fool. Not saying this is the case, as it certainly doesn’t seem so given the other history, but what if the girl posted it to her page because she found it so absolutely crazy and hiliarious that people were that classless, and assumed that her intention would be obvious? Then the OP responds to her saying “OMG you’re such a bitch. Stop being jealous that I have a man you stupid slut!” Though the intention was well and good, the message was perceived in a negative light. However, the OP would have been at fault for instantly jumping down the girl’s throat without giving herself time to properly asses the situation and how she should respond to it.
Also, I would like to know where you got your degree in human psychology from, as your assumption that people treat you as you teach them to treat you is far from proven. It would be like saying “treat others as you want to be treated” is an accurate description of human behavior. There are those who will treat you poorly until you cut them out of your life. There are those that will treat you well despite how you act. It is likely that this girl will not change how she treats the OP regardless of how the OP acts. Life isn’t about taking on an either dominant or submissive personality. If the OP tells this girl off, she is only lowering herself, not teaching this girl a lesson. This is exactly what many PPs have said about the man in the letters. He lowered himself to the woman’s level, therefore placing himself in as much wrong as she was. Both people were out of line, though perhaps it wasn’t their intent, and if you cannot see how that is a no-win situation, I truly am sorry.
Also, to clarify, the OP doesn’t “kind of want to tell her no” the OP kind of wants to reply in a snarky tone. Again, as I said before, just because she didn’t instantly jump to snark doesn’t mean she’s being docile. It is a shame that you think this way and that you made such a stretch between her life and letters written to a magazine. In a sense you’ve defended the other girl’s actions and made an excuse for her. “It isn’t her fault, it’s your fault for allowing her to treat you that way.”
Let me start by saying, you can have superiority issues and be married to someone of a different race. That is why there is a such thing as “Tokenism.” For instance, an employer may think that all green people (I chose not to put a race) are ignorant and lazy, but may meet one green person and hire him to work for the company because the employer views him/her as the EXCEPTION to the rule. Thus, they STILL have superiority beliefs, but they deal with liking or accomodating this “other” because they label them as the “token.” This happens quite frequently in the real world.
Also, I believe tha she has white superiotiry issues because of the things she said. If she would have only referenced things her husband said, then I would have concluded that he is he person who has superiority issues, because yes, AA have superioirity issues agains other AA’s. However, in the letter she wrote:
“My man decided he wanted me because the pickings amongst Black women were slim to none… If Black women are so up in arms about us being with their men, why don’t they look at themselves and make some changes.”
“Don’t be mad with us White women because so many of your men want us. Get your acts together and learn from us and we may lead you to treat your men better.”
Those are clearly HER thoughts. Her husband may have been candid with her about why he chose not to date AA women and he more than likely said all of those things, but she chose to adopt his views and spread the venom by stating those things as if they were fact. Furthermore, the entire basis to her argument is that White women are better than AA women when it comes to taking care of AA men.
And I agree that he could have stated his thoughts better without BASHING White women. I explicitly stated that I did not believe that was his intention, but just like me when he first read that letter he was probably anger and became defensive and thus, attacked all White women in the process in his reply.
I am not trying to say you have to agree, but these are just my thoughts and sometimes in race related issues people just won’t agree.
What the actual fuck did I just read <.<
@allyfally I initially read your post and I was thinking that your friend is totally crazy and you should tell her so and cut her off your friends’ list.
I happen to be black and engaged to a white man. My fiance has a philosophy degree and is very much interested in racial issues in North America. I told him about your post. And he went straight to say that this has nothing to do with racism. He says that your friend’s attitude is a direct consequence of the marriage squeeze in the black community in the US (too many black men in jails or with no education, educated black women have less choices in meeting a black partner). In other words, your friend is jealous.
So you could cut her off. or you could invite her to witness your bliss with your good chocolate bar.
Or you could post on her FB wall:
Dear xxx, I know you feel that way because you haven’t found anybody yourself. And I feel so bad for you. I think you should work on that anger however. It can’t be good for you!
Of course you are invited to the wedding!
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