- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Sounds like you don’t care about tradition.
Sounds like you don’t care about tradition.
I like etiquette. It helped me alot since I haven’t been to many weddings nor planned one before. I’m glad there are some rules out there to help me know what people generally expect and are not offended by. If there were no etiquette rules I would have been far more lost than with them, for sure! The whole wedding thing I was pratically a deer in headlights anyways so I considered them a way to avoid more headaches.
@futuremrsk18: Not caring about tradition has nothing to do with not caring about (some) ridiculous wedding etiquette. People are taking out loans and foregoing more important stuff because some dead lady said in a book 60 years ago that you shouldn’t have a cash bar or anything less than XXX is unacceptable.
Some of the same people that say that tradition and etiquette go hand in hand are also living with their boyfriends/girlfriends/fiances without a second thought, are having sex nightly without a second thought and had a bunch of babies before they were married – but they’ll tell you that having a cash bar is unacceptable.
Oh, the hilarity
I care about etiquette to a certain degree. I mean I’m not going to get trashed and puke all over my dress at the reception lol.
But for a lot of things, I’m breaking what I think is ridiculous etiquette.
For example, we are inviting some kids, not all. Sorry. Just because I’m including my 1st cousins who I see all the time does not mean I have to invite my 2nd cousins who I’ve never met. (if we included every single child of every single guest, we’d have 600 people at our wedding. Gotta draw the line somewhere).
We’re getting married in a theater, not a church. We aren’t religious and don’t plan to include any religion. We’re writing our own vows.
We’re using silk flowers (gasp)! Sorry, but I don’t have $800+ to spend on something that I will carry down the aisle for 60 seconds and then it’ll die. Plus we have allergies.
And I never knew that honoring my heritage by doing the bridal dance (wrongly called “the bridal dance) was so offensive and against etiquette. I honestly have never been to a wedding that DIDN’T include a bridal dance. This tradition is very near and dear to my heart and my family would be offended if we DIDN’T do it.
Oh and we included registry info with my shower invites. This is just the way we do things here. I’ve never gotten a shower invite WITHOUT registry info.
Oh and no formal cocktail hour. No one does that where I live. The guests gather at the reception venue 30-60 minutes before the bridal party arrives and they enjoy appetizers and drinks in the same room where the reception will take place. (the horror)!
OH and i’m having a buffet. Again, that’s what we do where I live. No one has a sit down dinner. Not even rich people. And no, I’ve never been to a wedding with cold food. And I’ve never had to wait in line for more than 5 minutes for food. If the caterers know what they’re doing, there will be no problems.
@RockStar33: Thanks for sharing ! I agree with a lot that’s been said in that article. First of all, that the bride (and groom) seem to pay a lot more attention to etiquette than their guests. Just saying, I might follow etiquette A to Z, there will still be this cousin who will show up in jeans or shorts in my wedding … the rules are not that clear, people don’t expect casual and very familiar people to suddenly turn hyper-strict over a set of rules that we are not used to following anymore. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know probably 90% of wedding etiquette before I started reading about it over the Internet … I’m putting myself into a LOT of self-doubt ever since I started reading forums and blogs, because everywhere I looked it seemed like I was some impolite person, which I am not. But why, oh why should I put so much more stress over my shoulders ? While my guests are unaware of all those rules and just won’t care about the choices I make, as long as they’re present when I’m getting married ?
I think etiquette serves other purposes now, including marketing around the wedding. Because, of course you’ll need STDs, paper invites, favors, registries, and this, and that, and you’ll need to pay for this service, and this other service for your guests, if you want to follow ”proper” etiquette.
But I think common sense does the job !
I think its important to note that there is no global etiquette standard. A lot of things that are a strict ‘no-no’ in the US (where I assume most bees are from) are not only ok, but expected in other cultures.
In my opinion, as long as everyone has something to eat and drink, a place to sit and shelter, you’re doing ok.
I think it totally depends. Certain things I think warrant proper etiquette. But people like to say “that’s bad etiquette” just because certain things are non traditional. Should you properly address invitations? Probably. Do your invitations have to be traditional? Nope. Do you need a cake? Or to dance with your parents? or to do a bouquet toss? nope
I tend to go by common sense and norms WITHIN OUR GROUPS. I know for sure that going to the post office would be more inconvenient for our guests than RSVPing online, so we’ll do online RSVPs. I’ll probably put my registry information somewhere easy to find, because nothing annoys me more than calling my mother in law to call the bride’s sister to ask her about her registry. I’d like to think that I am putting a lot of thought into the experience of the guests, and sometimes my conclusion is in conflict with the convention/etiquitte.
You’re most definitely not alone. My wedding was more or less taken over by Fiance and his parents because they didn’t like the way I wanted to do it. Awesome.
A lot of the things that people are citing here as “violations of etiquette” are not, in point of fact, violations of etiquette.
I know that aspasia and weddingmaven have made this point many times here, but etiquette is not just a wedding thing. The code of etiquette assumes that a wedding will be one of many entertainments that a couple will host since the code of etiquette assumes that anyone who is in society is contributing to society by regularly hosting social engagements that are reciprocated by other people who are also in society. Etiquette does not require that these social engagements all have formal invitations–it simply requires that there BE invitations (which can be in person, phone, email, whatever), that the guests respond to them, that the host and hostess assume the duties of care, and that the guests assume the duties of gratitude and reciprocity. If everyone in a social circle takes turns buying pizza and beer for everyone else on Fridays, then that’s the code of etiquette in action. If you have a formal wedding, it’s the same principles, just in a different degree.
Everything that we know about collective action tells us that people, no matter their good intentions, will generally shirk without some sort of outside pressure. The code of etiquette, with its emphasis on guest and host responsibilities and the principle of reciprocity, provides that outside pressure. That outside pressure is what ensures that one or two couples don’t bear the expense and time burden of entertaining the entire social circle. Would I rather divert the money I’m spending on upgrading some of my china on a personal vacation? Sort of, yeah, but I know I need to do my part to contribute in whatever way I can–I live in an apartment and no one expects me to host the elaborate dinner parties that others in my social circle manage–to providing opportunities for conviviality and good cheer.
@Stace126: Hallelujah, someone who gets my circle too!
The following things are considered weird or abnormal where I’m from:
1) Not including registry info.
2) Having a plated dinner.
3) Having a full open bar.
4) Not having at least an hour between the end of ceremony and reception.
5) Having a cocktail hour.
6) Using real flowers.
Pay special attention to number 1. Old school etiquette says you can’t include it. But where I’m from, it’s a huge faux pas to NOT include it! It says to us “I don’t care enough to save them from having to hunt down and ask where I’m registered at.”
its your wedding, you do what u want how u want it..just make sure you nice and caring to your guest and u respect them and be appreciative of them coming but other than that..its ur day love…do everything the way that makes u happy
In my mind, Fiance and I are paying for the wedding, we are the only ones who will think about it down the road, and care what happened. So if there is (or isn’t) someone I want at the wedding (which is our case) I will not be bullied or threatened into having that person there. What I will do is feed my guests, provide them booze, and make sure they are safe, having fun and comfortable on the day of the wedding. If they don’t like the decor, or that I decided to have a plated dinner, because I hate buffets, or the music we picked then they can live with it for one night, but really most people won’t care about that.
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