(Closed) Am I the only one who finds motherhood super hard???

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like you aren’t ready for another baby. Give it some time. I was the same way. There are 4 years between my 2.  I’m very happy with that. I wanted to wait until my 1st was more independent, out of diapers, get in and out of the car, can buckle herself in her carseat herself, help out a bit.  It is over whelming.  Take time and enjoy what you have. You’ll know when you’ll be ready for your next baby. 

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t have kids so can’t speak to your specifics, but I will suggest that you avoid comparing your situation to other people’s.  You can’t have full visibility into how they really feel about their circumstances/decisions unless you walk in their shoes.  Everyone is different, and you should focus on what will work for you and your family.

Post # 6
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Motherhood IS overwhelming. Some people are better at handling that special brand of “overwhelming” than others. I’m a “one and done” Mom. I love DS, but the though of having to deal with 2 kids makes me ill. So one is perfect for me.

A friend of mine is getting ready to start trying for #3. Honestly, her second child is a hellion. Adorable as all getout, but a hellion. I told her straight up that she is crazy to try for a third when her second exhausts her so much already. But she knows what she wants, so whatever. My cousin has 4. She would have kept going, but her husband said that 4 was plenty for him. She’s a natural mother. No matter what challenges the kids throw at her, she just rolls with it. I am in serious awe of her poise.

It just works for some people, while others have to work at it. There is nothing wrong with either way of being. be true to yourself and do what feels best for your particular family. That’s all you can do.

 

Post # 7
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I want to preface by saying I’m not pregnant yet, but have been surrounded by children my whole life, and have periods of my life looking after a child in my care, so I feel like I know a lot about having children.

 

Anyway, to the issue. Your thoughts about posponing ttc #2 is a very mature outlook and stands you in good stead for when you do have another child. From your post it sounds a lot like you didn’t have a very strong network of support during your first pregnancy / Baby and I don’t care who you are or where you come from, every mother needs to feel like there is a bit of breathing space and help to reach out to when they have a child, especially their first and when you needed your Darling Husband the most, he reacted less than favourably.

 

He may well have felt overwhelmed by the whole situation himself so that would explain his lack of interest and support in the beginning. I’m not saying that excuses it, I’d really want reassurance from him that he would be more supportive with another baby, you can’t and shouldn’t be expected to do all this alone.

 

To that end, I think this issue needs a two prong approach, firstly you establish what is exepected from both of you if you have another child, make sure you agree where help is going to be requested and that he is willing to step up. You say he’s got better at being supportive and that is good, maybe fatherhood has taken it’s time to become “normality” for him.

 

Secondly I think YOU need to reach out for more support, find support in other mothers, other mothers with more than one child. Ask family and friends to help out more, even if it’s just picking up some juice when they come to visit. Being a mother doesn’t mean doing it all on your own, asking for support isn’t a weakness, it’s a strenght – it says I’m confident enough to ask for help when I need it most.

 

I certainly think that you need to get these matters resolved before you start ttc again, but I equally don’t think that having a second child will burn you out in the same way providing you put a bit of prep work in first.

 

GL!

 

Post # 8
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Newborns are not easy, a supportive partner makes it somewhat easier though. As far as the other couples, you don’t know all that goes on behind the scenes.

Post # 9
Member
3211 posts
Sugar bee

Goodness, I could not stand for the lack of support from my FH.

Our plan is to start TTC after three years, have one and then go from there. I couldn’t do it all though and will need the support of my FH.

Post # 10
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m not a parent yet but I’m looking forward to it the way I would look forward to any deep honor that is also a steep challenge.

It’s my firm belief that motherhood is definitely very hard, if you’re doing it right.

Post # 11
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

One and done here! You’re certainly not alone in thinking motherhood is overwhelming, it definitely is! I adore my DS, but he’s a handful and my husband and I have so much on our plates as it is that I can’t even imagine trying for another baby. It’s an adjustment no matter what, but it sounds like your SO may have been a bit slower making the necessary changes than you were, so I get where you are a little gun shy on the matter. It definitely sounds like you’re not ready, and it’s fine to feel that way. Maybe you’ll feel differently after more time has passed, maybe not-but either is okay! 

Post # 12
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Soon2BeeMrsG:  +1

Make sure your husband understands what is expected of him when/if you decide on number 2. 

Post # 13
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Please – COUNSELING. He needs to know how you feel in a safe environment, and you also need to get to the root of his issues regarding his lack of 100% fathering. He has to be there for you and for your children – you can’t just turn it off. You can give each other mental health breaks, but what you had going on with baby #1 was NOT a loving, equal partnership – it sounds like a lopsided business deal.

Do not have another baby with him until you truly hash out your feelings about what happened raising your first baby!

Post # 14
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Tatum: motherhood is the hardest job in the world you are NOT being a wuss! You are being way too hard on yourself, every woman finds it difficult whether they admit it or not – or whether or not they seem to struggle from an outsiders perspective!

It sounds as though maybe you and your husband need to perhaps speak to a therapist/trusted friend/etc about how you can better support eachother before you start trying for another baby so it doesn’t end up one sided again. But most importantly do not beat yourself up about it! 

Post # 15
Member
7364 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, I have 2 points to make:

1) The first year is hell.  I really did not enjoy much of the first year of either of my children.  With every month it becomes easier.  I like my kids more and more as they get older.

2) Different things stress people out.  Some people stress over work, some stress over kids.  For me, being at home with my kids would be much more stressful than my high-pressure full time job.  Different tolerances.

I think if you ever do decide to have another kid, you and your husband need to develop a system.  For example, my Darling Husband and I alternate nights- one night I bathe the baby and put her to bed, the next night it is his turn.  Then you know when you are “on duty”.

Post # 16
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Tatum:  Okay so not only do I not have children of my own, but I also haven’t been around kids too much in my life. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if you want. But it is possible that some people just aren’t “baby people.” Your SO might have been truly overwhelmed by having to care for a newborn. It is possible that he might be more of an “toddler parent.” Some men are hesitant to play with and care for infants because they are unsure of what to do or afraid to hurt them and that’s okay. They know their capabilities and limitations. I think if you have an open convo with you SO and tell him how much help you will need (one would hope,) he would rise to the challenge. Maybe you can care for baby and he can care for your daughter. That way your daughter doesn’t feel left out and you can focus on the infant…. Not sure if it’ll help, but it’s just my .02 cents. 

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