Am I the only one with a wild past?

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Ah, clearly your friend’s garbage slut-shaming (hopefully ex) fiance had never heard the great Saint Augustine’s pronouncement “Every saint has a past, and every sinner a future, and each is equal unto itself”? If it was a problem for him to date a woman who had had sex with other men before they ever met, he should’ve brought that up in the beginning instead of being a misogynistic ass about it now.

I have a wild past. And a wild present. And, lord willing, a wild future.

I have neither shame nor regret about any of those things. If I were with a partner for whom it was a problem, that would be the wrong relationship for me. I do know people who are religious, and who are seeking religiously-oriented partners, who would never date someone who wasn’t a virgin. It’s their choice and as long as they are upfront about it from the beginning, it’s nbd in my mind.

Hubs and I know a lot about each others’ sexual histories but not all the “dirty details,” it’s not important to us unless it’s relevant to our current relationship (“Yeah, I tried XYZ in the past and it wasn’t for me” is helpful vs. “Let me list every orifice I’ve ever enjoyed in chronological order!” is not)

Post # 3
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My husband has only been with two women, including me, he doesn’t know my number but knows it’s much higher than his. He’s never made me think it bothers him.

 

I don’t regret my wild past, I was a prude in high school and heck I look back and wish I had been Wilder back then!

Post # 4
Member
5587 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

annonjd :  I’ve talked to my husband a little. I have absolutely no idea what my number is. With my ex fiancé, he was number four. That relationship ended and I ended up in a tailspin. I’ve only recently started talking about that horrifying time period (I actually have little memories from it) in therapy and my therapist said it sounds like an anxiety induced manic episode

I would do the online dating sites, and then I would sleep with complete strangers. It was risky, dangerous sexual behavior (a symptom of mania) and it’s like a big black void in my life that I can barely remember. Coming out of it, I don’t know how many people I was with, I was lucky I didn’t get sick or get myself killed by a creeper (I’ve been tested quite a few times). I came out with a changed number of partners, a house, three new animals, maxed credit cards, and a planned pregnancy 😂 that was in about a year and a half.

That time period scared the hell out of me, and I only recently started talking about it with my therapist of two years.

Now that I know what happened to me, I’m not afraid of it anymore, and I’m not ashamed. I’m not ashamed of it. It happened. I got lucky that I was able to manage the consequences  and my life wasn’t destroyed, but I’m not ashamed anymore.

If my husband ever held that against me, I would be furious. I’m finally learning to not hold it against myself, I’ll be damned if anyone holds it against me.

 

Post # 5
Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

annonjd :  I’m right there with you girl. I’m not proud of my past, but it is what it is. My husband also knows that I was wild but we’ve never discussed the number of partners we’ve had or anything specific. Why? Because it doesn’t matter, everyone has a past and I don’t need to know my husbands sexual history unless it’s something I need to know because it could put my health at risk.

I personally would never want to be with someone who was as judgemental as your friends fiance.

Post # 6
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

I don’t regret my wild past either. I was very sheltered in high school and discovered sex while away at college. Wild wouldn’t begin to describe it! It was fun and at times I do regret parts of it. I did it safe and not diseases came from it.

I learned a lot about myself sexually of what I did and did not like. I think it made me really open and willing to try many things. I like quite a bit of kink now in my later years and still love the mix it up and try new things!

I have not been open to all the details but it has come up in past relationships. My one ex actually had a problem with it when he was the one who brought it up. Screw him!

No one should be shamed for their past. The past is the past.

Post # 7
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been with a lot more than 20 people, too, and to be honest, I don’t regret it at all.  I like sex.  Especially when I was younger, I enjoyed the novelty of a new partner and knowing I could have a great night with no strings attached.  I wasn’t a partier so much as someone who was just super into doing it.  But… I don’t buy into the social construction that women who sleep around are “wild” or “sluts”.  Hell no.  We do what we like, when we’d like it, and as long as we’re careful (use protection for both STIs and to prevent unwanted pregnancy), there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

My SO has no idea of his exact number but assumes it’s in the 20s.  He partied in college and had a good time while he was at it.  He’s clean and has no little humans running around with his genetics. That’s really all that matters to me.  Our inside joke is that at least we got it out of our systems. 

Beyond that, being “wild” in a casual setting has no bearing on a person’s faithfulness in serious relationships.  Neither my SO nor I have ever cheated on a partner, and I certainly don’t have any concerns about him cheating on me now. 

Post # 8
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee

You are entitled to feel ashamed and regret your past. But only do it if you feel it. Not because someone else says you should. Your friend is being a jerk and slutshaming (hate that term). Also you are not lying to your partner. It’s totally normal not to talk about sexual past or numbers. Cause they don’t matter. And if her partner cares so much then it’s his insecurity that is the problem.

Post # 9
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee

Noooope, not telling him the number of sex partners is ABSOLUTELY not ‘lying’

I had a wild, destructive past and a lot of partners as well. Some of it I regret, but like a pp it taught me a lot about myself sexually and that I like a really fun, active, experimental sex life. Which I assure you, my husband has not problem with lol. 

I’m quite sure my ‘number’ is higher than my husband’s, but we don’t care to know. We talk about our past relationships mostly in ways that it affects our current relationship. As part of a conversation about what we need and what works for us and what doesn’t in a relationship. Or any soft spots from previous betrayals. 

Post # 10
Member
3095 posts
Sugar bee

My past made me who I am today.  Every. single. part. of. it.  

It has made me a stronger individual, as I have learned many hard lessons along the way.

And my SO appreciates my sexual past in that I am experienced and adventurous.  He doesn’t know the nitty gritty, but he knows that I was no angel before I met him.  

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you truly thought that past history doesn’t really matter, you wouldn’t use language like “shamefully”,  “regret”, and “little respect for myself.”   My past was pretty wild, but I can’t change it and I sure as shit am not going to be made to feel ashamed of it.  And it is, quite frankly, none of my husband’s business. 

If you’re going to preach that the past doesn’t matter, then you need to really commit to that mindset and clean up the way you talk about it.

Post # 13
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

My SO and I are both virgins although I have ‘messed around’ with a few people before that, most of which I regret. We both have certain values we look for in a partner so a ‘wild’ ‘free spirit’ is not something either of us would want in a partner.

I’m in the minority on this forum but I think if you or your partner cares about that stuff, they absolutely have the right to know about the other’s past and lying about that isn’t right. The curious party can certainly decide to break up if they’re met with resistence but the ‘wild’ party is also free to break it off if they feel like they’re being judged.

I wouldn’t date a guy who was evasive or dishonest about his ‘number’. We just wouldn’t be compatible.

Post # 15
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

My SO’s and my numbers are both below 5, and we both asked each other as a way to see what type of value we have had (historically) on sex and also our selves/bodies/etc. Sex is something I’ve always viewed as very vulnerable and not something I’d ever want to do with someone who I wasn’t really close with and trusted. My SO views it the same way, so it’s good that we’re compatible in that area! It was important for us to know that the intimacy we shared was shared because we felt close and trusted one another, and not because it was just fun, which a high sexual history may have indicated a possibility of the latter.

But if this is not an important area for you or your SO, then don’t worry about it! Clearly your friend’s SO places a high priority on this value in a partner, but it has nothing to do with you and your husband and everything to do with THEIR compatibility as a couple. Would never impose my relationship values or judge another relationship for not valuing what I do, that’s simply why that’s their relationship and mine is mine!

Also I believe if your husband wanted to know he would have for sure asked. So it’s definitely not lying. Now if you had an STD or something and didn’t tell him then I think that would be more like lying by omission, but only because it directly affects him. Your history, if it did affect him, you would know by now.

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