(Closed) Am I The Other Woman?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it depends on what you are looking for.  It sounds like you’re looking to find a committed relationship, and if that’s the case then this seems like a recipe for hurt.  He will eventually have to choose between the two of you.  Imagine you spent the next couple of years seeing him and then he decided to move back to be with “her”.  I think it would be devastating.  Personally I would move on now and find someone who has the same goals as me.

Post # 4
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t see what the point of the hometown girl is. If he lives where you live and will be living there for the next few years, when is he going to see her? Feels a little weird to me. Like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. 

If you aren’t committed, you can’t really be mad, but you might want to feel him out and find out if he would be interested in a committed relationship in the future. If he isn’t and you want one, then drop him. If you are ok with things the way they are or he does want a committed relationship at some point, then continue on. I just know I couldn’t be happy in something like that (been there!) because I’d always feel like I needed to compete with some unknown girl.

Just my two cents…

Post # 5
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

If you want a committed relationship eventually – walk away. There will be other amazing men that don’t feel the need to double dip.  I agree with the other posters, eventually he will be in a position where he will have to choose and it’s just asking for hurt and complication. I’m glad he was honest with you. Because you’re right. He didn’t have to tell you. But he did. I just get the feeling from what you’ve written that you are both looking for different types of relationships. I know it’s not an easy decision. But in the long run you’d be better off, unless you are ok with having him see another woman while he’s seeing you.

Post # 6
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It sounds like you’re not interested in the casual thing that he’s looking for.

How are you going to feel when (not if) he goes back to his hometown to visit his parents or someone? You know he’s going to see her while he’s there, and therefore, he’s not going to bring you because he already has her there. And you can’t really be mad about it because he told you about her upfront.

Also, are you sleeping with him (or will you be in the future)? Because he’ll probably be sleeping with her too, when he’s in his hometown. And it won’t be a committed relationship because he has another girl that you know about on the side.

If you two decide you want a committed relationship in the future, it will probably be a difficult transition because of this other girl. You may have a hard time believing him if he tells you he cut it off with her and you may have persisting hurt feelings about the whole situation (competition, being left behind during his trips home, etc).

He doesn’t seem like a bad guy because he did tell you upfront, but if you stay with him, you’re saying that this is ok and probably not just for the time being. If you’re not sure that you are and will be ok with this for the foreseeable future, I’d tell him that you appreciate his honesty and that you two are not looking for the same things.

Post # 7
Member
3004 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with all the other PPs. I couldn’t handle knowing I was competing with another girl. And just a question…do you think he was being completely honest that their relationship is “open”? Like you said, he didn’t have to tell you, but he did. And he won’t be visiting his hometown for the next few years? Is he just saying that? (not trying to burst your bubble or anything, just curious) 

Post # 8
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like trouble. 

I think the only reason why I wouldn’t be furious is because it’s early on and it’s someone he has a history with.

However, I would not continue to date him, I think the best I’d be able to do is offer friendship until he figures things out. 

Post # 9
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sounds like a toxic situation that can only lead to hurt feelings and Save-The-Date Cards. I’d move on if it were me.

Post # 10
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He has been honest with you and flat out told you what type of relationships (plural) he has interest in.  (and he may be interested in more, he’s just at two right now)  Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that his plans are not at all your plans and like other posters have stated – this is a recipe for disaster.  

Post # 11
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, but I’m also not sure you should keep seeing him.  It sounds like you never had “The Talk” about being exclusive.  I always feel like a relationship is not exclusive until both parties agree it’s exclusive – I’m not going to stop going out on dates with other people just because I went on a couple of good dates with one dude.  I don’t see you saying anything about being misled.

But it does sound like has no intention of going exclusive and that’s not going to work for you.  It sounds like if it does work for you in the short term, it’s because you see it going somewhere more serious.  I think that’s a recipe for getting hurt.  If you enjoy spending time with him but are up for something not-so-serious (and maybe want to see other guys as well and see what develops there), then there’s nothing wrong with continuing to see him.  But – big but here – I don’t think that’s what you want, and I think you’re going to end up in a bad situation if you say you’re okay with casual dating when you’re secretly hoping to yourself that he suddenly wants to get serious.

Post # 12
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

If I remember correctly you have a young baby.  If it was just you then you can do whatever you want…  If you’re OK with an open relationship then that’s fine.  But if there’s a baby in the picture then you know this is not the right thing for her.

Post # 13
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds like your gut is telling you it’s not right.

Post # 14
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the other Bees that this is a recipe for trouble and hurt. Eventually he will have to choose and just imagine the hurt you would feel a few months (or years) down the line if he chose her over you.

Post # 15
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Unless you’re only interested in a physical/casual relationship (nothing wrong with that) I’d give him the boot. If you want something a bit more serious it shouldn’t be with someone who sees other people unless it’s a lifestyle decision you are both comfortable with.

Post # 16
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Ick. It sounds to me like he’s just interested in using you and isn’t planning on any type of committed relationship. I wouldn’t even consider continuing a relationship in that situation, if I were you.

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