Post # 1
Right off the bat I will say that I am probably wrong in my feelings, but I feel what I feel. So I am hoping to get possibly a different perspective from you gals.
So here is my Drama – My Dad and Step Mom were married over 36 years. Then suddenly last April she passed away. It was very unexpected. She went to see a doctor about what she thought was a bad cold. They admitted her to the hospital immediatly and she was dead a week later. My Dad was devistated. They were still like two kids in love even after 36 years of marriage and both of them in their late 70’s. My brothers and I were so worried about my Dad we all used up our vacation time ( that is why Fiance and I are not taking a honeymoon) flying to LA to make sure he got through this difficult time.
Fast forward to August- just 4 months later. He tells us all he is in love. He met a woman in July and has been dating her. Now he is like a giddy school boy again. This is of course what I would want for Dad, to be happy BUT my gosh it is like my step mother never existed. The new woman is all he ever talks about. We are all still dealing with this sudden death and it just seems to fast for me. Part of me is thinking ” come on he is 78 years old, let him just enjoy his life” but this other part is falling apart as I haven’t gotten over the loss of one woman and now here is a second one. I am sure you are thinking but he lives in LA and you’re in TEXAS what difference does it make. Well when calls or skypes me all he wants to do is talk about his new love. I miss my step mom and I am trying to deal with this loss. She was making plans for my wedding with me less than a year ago and now she has already been replaced. Why am I being so selfish, I should be happy for my Dad. But all I am is angry.
Post # 3
@december bride: You have every right to experience the feelings you are dealing with. We all deal with grief differently, and you and your dad handle it very differently.
Have you considered going to a counselor, to talk about your feelings and tips for dealing with your dad? I went to one when I lost a parent, and its helpful to talk to an outside person.
Post # 4
I think your feelings are totally valid. Obviously you can’t and shouldn’t tell your dad that you have an issue with the fact that he’s in a new relationship, but you can request to hear about it less. I don’t think it would be out of line to let your dad know that you are really happy for him that he is happy. But that you are still dealing with the loss of your step mother who was very important to you and that too much talk of the new love is a little tough given that your emotions are still raw.
Post # 5
Wow that’s a tough one. I understand how you feel, still missing your step mom… especially since she had been helping you.
I used to work in an assisted living home, and it’s pretty typical that the elderly date like high schoolers after they lose someone. Honestly, it’s either that, or they get so depressed that their health almost always declined immediately. So, I think your dad is doing what’s best for him, and it seems he’s really happy.
Maybe you could talk to him and explain that you’re really happy for him and glad he’s found someone special to him, but ask if he could refrain from talking about her so much right now because you’re still not quite past your step mother passing away and you need a little more time to process it? Hope things go well.
Post # 6
When you are 78 I imagine you can have a very different outlook on life. That each day you have with someone you love is a gift and that your days left on this earth need to be enjoyed to its fullest.
With that being said, his quick moving on is likely a result of a man who is older and a man who loves to love. That doesnt mean he didnt love your step mom any less.
That also doesnt mean that you shouldnt feel a little put off by the quickness of it since you don’t have the same life views as an older person. I would probably feel similar, but as you said, try to focus on that fact he is happy.
I do think you have a right to calmly tell him that you are still grieving the loss of your step-mother and that you need a little more time before you hear about his new girlfriend. Dont forget to remind him that you love him and are happy he is happy. You dont want it to be an attack on him.
Post # 7
@Bostongrl25: That is a very good idea. I guess with my wedding now just a few weeks away I have been caught up in it. After the wedding I think I will look into it. Good advice.
Post # 8
You probably don’t want to believe that a man could “forget” somoene so signiciant! I think its just your dads way of dealing with things, and its not acutally anywhere near the level he had with you step mom.
Post # 9
You are not a bad daughter, you are dealing with the grief of losing someone who was obviously important to you.
To be honest, this may be your Dad’s way of coping with the loss of your stepmom.
Post # 10
We all grieve differently. I don’t think he has moved on from her, but needs the companionship. This woman is filling an empty void left by your stepmother. If he’s happy, let him be. He’s 78 and I think its wonderful that he was able to find someone to spend the rest of his life with.
I know its hard and I can understand your feelings. Just be happy for him and maybe speak with a counselor. She isn’t replacing your step mother, she is comforting your grieving father.
Death is never fun. I’m sorry for your loss.
Post # 11
You’re not a bad daughter at all. You are just dealing with your grief the only way you know how and the situation isn’t helping it any. The thing is, your dad is probably doing the same thing – dealing with his grief the best he can. Neither of you are in the wrong and you shouldn’t feel bad for how you feel.
Post # 12
@shyviolette: used to work in an assisted living home, and it’s pretty typical that the elderly date like high schoolers after they lose someone. Honestly, it’s either that, or they get so depressed that their health almost always declined immediately
This is extremely helpful information. I didn’t know this is normal behavior. That makes it a little easier to handle.
@lefeymw: Good point. I had thought about this, his being older makes time more valuable.
@Moose1209: I don’t think it would be out of line to let your dad know that you are really happy for him that he is happy. But that you are still dealing with the loss of your step mother who was very important to you and that too much talk of the new love is a little tough given that your emotions are still raw.
Well said. I think I may quote you verbatim.
All you ladies are Damn Smart!
Post # 13
@PitBulLover: The thing is, your dad is probably doing the same thing – dealing with his grief the best he can.
I guess I never thought of it like that. Like I said you ladies are smart. It makes it easier to swallow thinking this is his way a grieiving. I was thinking he was already over his grieiving and had just moved on. Thank you for this.
Post # 14
This is pretty typical for elderly men. The happier they were married, the sooner they date after becoming a widower. I think it’s ok to indulge him. 🙂
Post # 15
My grandmother did the same thing when my grandfather passed away. I won’t lie it was hard on all of us. Because she talked about this guy probably in a more positive light then my own grandfather.
Eventually I looked at it more like this, he made my grandmother happy, he treated her nicely, and he was a good friend to me. Now he didn’t try and replace my grandfather and I don’t think I ever really thought of him as such, but they made each other happy and that was what was important. Sad to say he also passed away last year.
Post # 16
I think you should try to take this as a reflection of how much he loved your stepmother. She made him so happy that he wanted to recapture some of that happiness by entering a new relationship.
My grandfather (94 years old) started dating after my grandmother died. He was devestated by her death and his new partner helped him deal with his loss. Adorably, his new partner was my grandmother’s Maid/Matron of Honor in my grandparents’ wedding and my grandmother was his new partner’s Maid/Matron of Honor in her wedding! We think they bonded over talking about how much they both miss my grandmother.