Am I too picky?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
9172 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i was a serial dater.  i found something insignificant wrong with the person and didn’t want another date.  my mom told me to give the guy a chance, maybe have a 2nd date.  well that next guy turned out to be my husband.  i said ok to a date and had a really great time.  but i wasn’t attracted to him at all.  but i agreed to a 2nd date since i didn’t have anything better going on.  i still wasn’t atrracted to him, but the dates kept getting better and i liked spending time with him.  friends we had in common said he was one of nicest people around.  and he is.  attraction grew, everyone knew i liked him before i admitted it to myself.  then as they say the rest is history.

 

Post # 17
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

When I started actually taking online dating seriously, I gave everyone a second date. Unless it was like REALLY bad and I got creeper vibes or something. I was really picky and super judgy, so I always gave someone another chance to change my mind. And TBH, it worked for me. I was really excited about this one guy but by the 2nd date I could see this was just not going to happen. And my husband was an okay first date, but our second date was amazing! And our 3rd date sealed the deal for me, I stopped dating other people at that point. So, if you’ve already made up your mind about this guy, move on, but try to give people a second chance in the future! 

Post # 18
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

If the first date was fine, there’s no harm in a second date. I was single for over a year after my previous relationship, and went on a lot of bad to mediocre first dates.

In one instance, I went on a first date with a guy who seemed great on paper. Educated, successful, mutual interests, etc. We had a great conversation on the date but I wasn’t really feeling any chemistry. He asked me out on a second date and I went, ultimately by the end of the second date he went in for the kiss and I declined. I knew then it just wasn’t the right fit. I don’t regret going on the second date, though, because that way I had no lingering doubts that I’d let something great slip past me. He was perfectly nice, so it was still a pleasant evening even if it didn’t go anywhere after that.

On my first date with my current boyfriend, again he was great on paper – educated, successful, mutual interests, etc. From his photos he was not at all what I would describe as my type, but we had a good conversation so I figured why not give it a try. I had a really good time with him, but really on the second date I knew I was seriously interested. By our third date, we were exclusive and now a year later, we’re still happy and together and going strong.

To make a long story short, my policy is to say yes to a second date if you’re on the fence – you never know what can happen. Worst case scenario, you know for sure you don’t want a third date.

Post # 19
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I would honestly go on a 2nd date. When I first met my husband, I was certain that he wasn’t the one for me, I didn’t like how he looked or dressed and I did all the talking. Well it turns out he was super nervous and is actually very funny and just needed time to come out of his shell. I also found that the more I fell in love, the more my attraction grew and he is honestly my best friend and I can say that I can be 100% myself around him. Back when I was single, I would go on some dates that were just awful and knew right away it wasn’t for me. But if this guy is a maybe, then see where it can go. Not every relationship starts with love at first sight.

Post # 20
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee

Unless you get creeper vibes or feel concerned about your safety by seeing him again, I would go on the second date.  I’d give it one last chance to see how you feel.  You had a nice time on the last date and enjoyed his company.

If you still feel unsure after the second date, then i would move on.

Post # 21
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 

sarahj1238 :  I agree with PPs that said it sometimes take a while.. It took 3 dates for me to warm up to my FH. The first 2 weren’t bad but they were just kinda awkward because we were both so new to each other and his actual personality is different from how he was during the first two dates.

I agree that the things you mention can be changed but only if the other person is okay with those changes. I think you should try going out with him at least two more times before you make up your mind. During that time, you could also bring up the topic of clothes and fitness and see where he stands on those topics and then you can decide.

Post # 22
Member
2510 posts
Sugar bee

Adding to the chorus to go on the 2nd date (unless you know you’re absolutley not feeling it or there are red flags). In this case, it sounds like you must have liked him and had something in common to talk for 4 hours, so I think that merits a second date. It’s a few hours out of your life at worst. When I was dating I gave pretty much everyone a 2nd date if they asked and if the first date wasn’t bad. 

Post # 23
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee

But you can totally be picky!  Don’t settle. 

Post # 24
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I wasnt interested in my partner at all at first and he kind of bullied a date out of me, 12 years later and hes my best friend, other half and were getting married lol.

Post # 25
Member
731 posts
Busy bee

sarahj1238 :  

I think you really have to know yourself.

Some people are the types for whom attraction and connection can grow with time… They are the ones who should give a second and third date if the first date was just “ok.”

Other people are the types for whom it is either there or it isn’t… I am one of these. I know within a couple of minutes of meeting a man and talking to him whether he is someone I want to keep seeing. And it has never “grown” for me if it wasn’t there to begin with. People like these are better off not wasting their or the other person’s time if the spark is not there initially.

I’d say go with your gut. Does the idea of a second date appeal to you at all? If so, I’d say you have nothing to lose and you’ll know after the second date if it’s worth seeing him again. If you decide not to see him again, at least you will have had a nice evening out. Nothing to lose.

When in doubt, don’t be afraid to gather more information. You’ll get the hang of it. Nothing wrong with holding out for what you want.

Post # 26
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

The not smiling thing would turn me off. It is just showing his personality. Over the years I’ve found I never get along too well (just distant / friendly but not friends) with people like that because they seem too closed off for me to “get in”.

Keep in mind you won’t always have lots to talk about, the first few dates is where you do have a lot to say / share because you just met. Plus you did all the talking, that would also be a turn off for me (that conversation wasn’t back and forth). Anyone can be “friendly” the first few dates, especially when they aren’t talking and just agreeing / nodding along with what you say lol…

Also yes please be picky. That’s one thing I learned from online dating for 10 years (on and off) before meeting Darling Husband. I wish I had been more picky, would’ve saved a lot of headache / time / effort if I didn’t invest time in people I was just lukewarm in. There is a good reason you feel lukewarm about them so don’t force it (disclaimer: unless your man picker is off and you always go for dysfunctional / bad boys etc). 

I wouldn’t say I was “excited” after meeting Darling Husband for the first date, because it was at work lunch hour, so we were both in “work mood”, but I did have a good feeling about him and there were plenty of mutual sharing and laughing. It was the second and third date that I started to really like him. So if you do feel good about someone / nothing is turning you off / no red flags, I would give it up to 3 dates to see if there’s chemistry/ excitement.

Post # 27
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

If you go to Baskin Robbins and order Rocky Road, should you feel guilty that you didn’t get the Jamocha Almond Fudge?  NO, of course not.  Does it mean that Jamocha Almond Fudge isn’t a great flavor for someone else?  No.  It just isn’t your cup of icecream.   There will be people we are attracted to and people we aren’t.  It’s okay.  It’s part of life.  Every encounter is not going to be super special.  Give yourself permission to have the Rocky Road and pass on the Vanilla.  

Post # 28
Member
8324 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Don’t lose hope. He’s not The One, but he sounded nice and you both had a pleasant time, that’s all it need be.

Perfectly gratuitous advice l know, but l would be very careful of letting guys pay and calling it ‘gentlemanly ‘ of them. Far better to start with an equal, independent posture. If they get terribly upset about it, then l’d regard that as a bad sign frankly . 

 

sarahj1238 :  

Post # 30
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm. I’d say if NOTHING about him intrigues you, then pass. 

After four hours, you should know if there is ANY potential attraction, looks and style aside. 

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