Am I too picky?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Hostess
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Obviously, you’re totally allowed to feel however you’re feeling… but I’m another in the camp of things clicked for us on the 2nd date and we’ve been together ever since!! 

Post # 32
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

Sounds like you are talking yourself in to ‘settling’ with another date. 

Don’t do it. 

Keep dating. One year is not that long. If you are scared your clock is ticking, then you need to tell yourself that it is better off ticking than finding the wrong guy and ending up exploding like a time bomb in your face.

You need to find someone who is just right for you. Not ‘kinda, sorta, maybe, oomph…’

I too have had some lengthy conversations with some fellas in the past. And I do mean those 4+ hour long conversations. But I am with none of those right now because none of them were right for me. Lengthy conversation is not a tell-tale sign of a good relationship. It’s actually the other way around that a good relationship sometimes leads to lengthy conversations.

Post # 33
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think it is important to know: if you keep seeing someone you may start to like them, and while that might sound like a good thing it may actually be a bad thing. You could start liking the company, liking the attention, liking the person becoming familiar but there are no “bones” to the relationship making it a good match. That is why it is good to be picky. I think if you have a great time and are excited to see that person again, that is a good sign. If not then why push it? You could like being around him but not for the right reasons. Do you know what I mean? I guess I have had that happen in the past: looking, happening to be around that same person a lot due to school or work and then liking them simply because they were there. Of course I didn’t recognize it as that at the time. Again, that is why I think it is best to be picky. The most important thing is you two should both equally talk, not just you, and have a lot in common. You don’t want to see this guy and 2 years later realize he can’t open up, but right from the start you saw you were the one mostly doing the talking. Stuff like that. 

Post # 34
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

When I was dating I always had my rule of going on 3 dates if I was unsure.

When I met my now husband, I thought he was super scruffy, short and I didn’t really fancy him, but it was so much fun. I kept on going even though he dressed like a homeless person. We’ve been together 10 years. 

I do think despite a persons appearance there needs to be a spark. I had really great chemistry with this scruffy guy and he has nice eyes, so even though I never fancied him back then I thought he had nice eyes. I find him really attractive now and I buy all his clothes. 🙂

Post # 35
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee

I’d say give it another try or two If he’s still the same, then it’s probably his personality and not just nerves.

As for being picky, I firmly believe everyone SHOULD be picky (to an extent) when searching for their spouse!!! If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them, why wouldn’t you be picky?

Post # 36
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

I learned through dating that fireworks sparking on the 1st date isn’t necessary.  Some people can put on a charming face and hurt you.  When I met FH, I was very wary because I had gotten hurt quite a few times.  I liked him on the 1st date, but still wasn’t sure and after the 2nd I knew I wanted to be w/him.

I’d say if the guy is a total turn off, no 2nd date necessary.  If you are still exploring, 2nd date isn’t you leading them on.

Post # 37
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

If you didn’t dislike him, I would say give it another date. I agree that attraction can grow over time, and that a second date can show you another side to them! I enjoyed my first date with my now-husband, he seemed nice enough. I had a good time. But the second date was what made me really stop and think “hey… there is something special about this guy”. Then we went on a third date and I told my friend it wasn’t going to work out with him. And now we’re married lol. The third date was at a rave, I decided he seemed like a party guy and that’s not my type. Turns out he’s usually a mix between date 1 and date 2, with party guy coming out a few times a year. I think if our third date was the first, I never would have seen him again!

I also spent the first hour and a half of our first date nor eating my tacos and talking his ear off  about cults. I was then 45 minutes late to our second date, which *I* had invited *him* on, due to an unfortunate combo of running behind schedule (let him know ahead of time) my mapquest directions taking me to the wrong place, and then not being able to tell him because I didn’t have a phone with service (hence the mapquest directions). Called him panicking and apologizing from a random Starbucks WiFi connection and he had to come and find me because I was scared of getting lost again. Ugh. I’m really glad he took some time to get to know me, because in retrospect, I don’t think I made the best first impressions! 😂 

I also worried (briefly) that there was no “spark” between us, only to realize, upon further reflection, that this relationship merely lacked unnecessary drama because he communicated honestly and openly with me. I was a daydreamer before him- always trying to tie myself in knots for relationships that just weren’t going to work out- and I now find it funny that stability made me think I wasn’t into him enough!! So that could be something to consider as well!

If, after 2 dates you feel the same though, don’t have a third. No need to force anything. And don’t worry too much, not having met the right guy yet doesn’t mean you won’t ever. Every day we meet people we’ve never met before, every day is new and unexpected.

Post # 38
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

There was a time in my life when I was intentionally single for more than 5 years.  I had a lot going on and honestly I didn’t trust my picker.  I spent time with good friends and learning to be happy with myself.

About 6 months before I met my husband I started dating.  This was another intentional decision to date casually.  I was not looking for anything serious.  A work friend set me up on a blind date and I had a similar experience.  He wasn’t bad looking, was polite and interesting to talk to.  As we parted after the date he asked if he could call me.  I wasnt excited about it but I said yes since I wasnt looking for anything serious anyway.  

Once I got in my car I noticed my friend who set us up had sent a couple of messages asking how it went.  I knew she was anxious to hear so I called her as soon as I got home.  She kept asking me how it went and what I thought of him and all I could give her were lukewarm responses.  It was fine, he was nice, etc.  It wasn’t until I got off the phone and really thought about it that I realized I had just spent more than 2 hours in one on one conversation and didnt laugh once.  Not.  One.  Time.  That was all I needed. 

He called me a few days later to ask me out and I was pretty straight with him and said that after giving it some thought I didn’t feel we had much in common and I didn’t want to waste his time.  

Six months later I met my husband and we have laughed with each other almost every day since!  We took it slow, neither was in a hurry, but we knew what we had was good and that it was well worth the wait. 

See this guy again if you like but if you don’t click after a few dates, don’t let him block your view of the one you are looking for. 

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