Am I too sensitive? Am I in the wrong?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

It’s hard to say off of this one description, but it sounds like you guys just haven’t connected in a while and aren’t on the same page. Do you have a day or so coming up where you could sit down and calmly discuss what each of you feels is lacking? Often times I find when I’m picking fights I am taking some other aspect of my life, that I’m not communicating about, out on my spouse. Sounds like your husband is lacking in communication skills, and unsure how to express his frustration, so he’s just being kind of an ass.

Post # 3
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re being too sensitive or unreasonable about thinking this is bad, but I DO think that you’re BOTH hurting your relationship. Can you provide some background: How long were you together before marriage, and how long have you been married? How old are you both? 

I think when ANY couple gets to the point of constant bickering and the joy and connection in the marriage is gone (or just hidden during a bad time), both parties need to work on actively changing. Literally everyone here will suggest counseling, so do that if at all possible. But I know that’s not a reality for everyone given health insurance and such, so that may not be the answer you need. If you can’t get a counselor to help with this, then you both need to sit down and make an agreement to STOP jumping to accusations when there’s an issue. Check out sites online that can provide advice on what to do in these situations. But the first thing is that you both MUST begin to look at situations from the other person’s point of view and not just your own; if you can empathize even to a minute degree, you can calm down and possibly find a solution rather than both parties just screaming out THEIR perspective and pointing a finger. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

So that’s definitely verbal abuse, and he shouldn’t be saying it. I’ve known myriad people with temper/anger issues (myself included), and I’ve never known any of them to swear at and call their partners names. So this is a pretty big deal, and he sounds not only aggressive but immature as hell. Do you honestly think you both have the capacity to truly change? You’re both quite young and got married young, and young people aren’t always mature enough for marriage, no matter what they happen to think. It doesn’t sound that he’s mature enough. Do you think working on this–if he’s even able to do that–will allow him to mature? 

Post # 6
Member
2572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

picklerick :  I’m so sorry Bee. No one should talk to you that way. It’s so sad to me that some men speak to their own wives like this. It’s so disrespectful. 

Regarding him needing alone time, I kind of understand that. I also have to fly to visit back home and I enjoy some time with just me and girlfriends. However, I enjoy texting and calling my husband to “check in”. I send him pics of what I’m doing, text to see what he’s doing and try to call him every night. I find it odd your husband doesn’t find that a normal request. If for nothing else, I like to text my husband for safety reasons (hey my flight just landed, got to my parent’s house okay, made it home safe, etc.)

Another thing that stuck out to me too was the fact you had to tell him you’re part of a partnership now because you’re married. Someone who has been married for 3 years and been with you for 6 shouldn’t need that reminder. It’s sad, really.

Have you guys recently talked everything out? Gone to marriage counseling? I know some bees are super fast to jump the gun on divorce but I’m curious why he’s being so disrespectful. Has he always talked to you like this? 

Post # 7
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

picklerick :  Bee his words towards you are disgusting. I know you said things started changing about a year ago. Can you think of anything that may have caused this change? There is always something, it may not stick out now but think about it. 

The phone call thing and telling him to check in everyday that problary ticked him off a bit. He must think damn I am out here with my boys finally and I have to find away to check in with her and I am in the middle of no where with no service. So he problary felt like a teenage kid checking in with mom. I get it trust me. I am just trying to get in his mind. And then the text message you sent him when he went to dinner with his friends. Because he didn’t call you because he didnt have service then either. Once again I am just trying to get you in his mind.

If you let him keep calling you these names he won’t stop. Words are very powerful. He does seem like he is very angry. Angry at what is what you need to find out. His words are painful. It is very hard to talk to someone who has alot of anger built up in them. You will be the brunt of there yelling and screaming. He will curse at you and even shut you out. So this will be hard to find out what he is really mad at, but something is brewing inside of him. You guys are going to have to communicate in a mutual way to figure this out. But no I don’t think you are being to sensitive. I do however think you are being treated poorly. And you don’t need to be talked to like that. Your his wife not his enemy.

Post # 8
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Honestly this sounds bad. Maybe something is going on with your husband because normal people don’t go from relationship is ok to picking fights because they want to be alone and need some time alone ( how much time did he need alone because sounds like you were going to join him half way through) then don’t even bother keeping in touch with while away and then give you attitude. Who exactly was he hanging out with? 

There is nothing wrong with calling everyday and don’t let him make you feel like there is. You guys are married, you are suppose to talk daily. Plus making you wait an hour because he is having dinner with friends? Wtf? He knew when your train/plane is going to land. It’s one thing to be 5-10 mins late but another to be an hour late because having dinner with friends pursumbly the same ones he has been seeing for the previous week. I’m sorry to say this but sounds like there is another girl involved 

Post # 9
Member
2298 posts
Buzzing bee

picklerick :  first of all, I love your username. to address your OP, no, you’re not in the wrong. it is not unreasonable to expect your husband to contact you at least once or twice a day when he’s away, and it is not unreasonable for you to have called him I considerate for basically standing you up to predetermined plans. 

the “you’re making me into an angry person” is downright fucking unacceptable. barely anything burns me up more than people blaming someone else for *their* character flaws. if you’re making him consistently angry, it is *his* fault alone to either communicate with you to resolve it, seek outside help, or walk the fuck away. do not accept that accusation under any circumstance.

lastly, you’re not picking fights—you’re reasonably expecting open communication with your life partner. he seems to be doing things to intentionally either provoke you or make you feel like he’s inaccessible and then lashing out when you express those feelings to him like a mature adult. him saying you’re picking fights is gaslighting and inexcusable. if 1/2 the relationship feels like fights are being picked, it is 1/2 their responsibility to communicate with the other half to reach a mutually-beneficial resolution.

it doesn’t sound like your husband wants to be married, bee.

 

ETA: just saw your update about him cursing at you and calling you names. he sounds like a young frat guy who wants to do whatever the fuck he wants and answer to no one. that is not behavior conducive to a lasting, healthy marriage. he’s not being very nice to you, and it doesn’t sound like he’s got any intention to try to work on things like a healthy, mature adult. he wants you to just be okay with him doing whatever he feels like doing. your feelings are clearly an inconvenience to him.  

Post # 10
Member
695 posts
Busy bee

picklerick :  when we took our pre Cana, the deacon and his wife taught us a very useful lesson which I try to use when my husband and I butt heads: step away during the confrontation so you have time to think and cool off, then write down what you’re feeling and after both of you are ready give each other to read what you have written out. It’s easy sometimes for arguments to escalate because of the heat of the moment but maybe if youI approach him this way and ask him to write out what is bothering him in your relationship, you’ll be able to have a mature conversation where you can find ways to improve your relationship. 

Also,  I definitely agree that the way he’s speaking to you is verbally abusive BUT if you say this is new behavior and you want to work on your relationship maybe what I wrote will help you?

Post # 11
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I agree with pp that both of you are at fault for not communicating properly to each other. I also agree with pp about how maybe your hubby felt annoyed that he had to “check in” with you every day, even when he was in a poor service area. I think that might’ve been a bit over the top on your part, since you knew he was in a bad service area and with his friends. But I digress 

basically I think you and he need to sit down together calmly and without accusations and just lay it like look we’ve both been angry for no reason with each other. What can we do to get back to a happy relationship. You can take responsibility for any issues you may have cause and hopefully he would do the same. See what he says. Hopefully he agrees he needs to make changes as well. GL

Post # 13
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

Reading through the updates… You’re married to an asshole. 

Post # 15
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

You’re both going to need to work on better communication to make it work. If this is still early on in marriage, just realize it takes time and practice to have a good way to communicate and understand each other. Figuring all that out is normal.

That being said. You are not being unreasonable. He was not being a partner by letting you leave like that and not responding. That is not normal. He has to get his head right if he is serious about making it work. It’s hard to tell based on the situation but Its possible the bickering for months sent him over he edge and hes trying to get comfort from where he feels most secure. That does still not excuse the behavior. I would find out what is going on and keep calm and be fair when doing so, but these situations are not ok for you as his wife.

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