(Closed) Am I too young to be married?

posted 9 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Don’t be influenced by other people!  Only you and your Fiance can determine when you’re ready to get married!  People will always judge (too old, too young, too rich, too poor, etc.) no matter what you choose to do!  Even if the skeptics say their marriage didn’t work out b/c they were too young, that was them and there could have been other factors too! 

I say congratulations and have fun proving them wrong!  

Post # 4
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Without knowing you, knowing your relationship, knowing your maturity, it is really hard to say! I never would have been ready for marriage at 21, I had too much to do and wouldn’t have been ready to settle down that young, and wouldn’t have known who I was then.  On the other hand, my older brother met the love of his life when he was 19.  They were engaged at 21 and married at 22.  They had two kids, have been married for 12 years now and are so happy and have a really strong marriage.  He was ready to get married & settle down.  If you feel like you guys have what it takes and are ready, then go for it! 

Post # 5
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

For what it’s worth, I’m 26 and people say the same things to me too — "You’re too young," "It won’t work out" — I think people are just cynical.

I’ve known three couples that got married around 22, and of the three, one has divorced; the other two are going strong. If you really want to quiet the naysayers, maybe you could do a round of premarital counseling just to reinforce your resolve in their eyes. 

Post # 6
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

My little brother started dating his wife when they were 17.  They are now 26 and still happyily in love.  They did wait to get married until 1.5 years ago but I think they waited for monetary reasons and because of school / military duties.  They have lived together / owned a house together since they were about 20. 

It doesn’t work for everyone.. a lot of people can’t make it, but that doesn’t mean that you will fall into that category.  The statistics on staying married aren’t good no matter how old you are.  so as long as you realize that marriage is a lot of work and that you can never give up (it’s a full time job) than you are ahead of the group.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

nik nu – age is just a #. I just turned 22 and am also getting married in October of this year. My fiance will be 24 in June. I got engaged when I was 20 and that was only after 9 months of dating. Yes things moved fast but when you "know".. you "just know". We chose a longer engagement and wanted to get things just right. We are moving in together May 1st and can’t wait to fulfill everything we have planned.

When I came back to work from a weekend vacation engaged; the reviews were sour. I was soo angry about how people could be so rude and say things like "you’re to young" or "r u kidding me, what do you parents think" or just laugh… you can see it in people’s eyes that they are already placing bets on when "things will fall apart".

Now I just bat my eyes and smile and say… "guess everyone can’t be as lucky as me". I matured very quickly and always said "i’m NEVER getting married". For me to have found someone to change that opinion, made me realize he’s the one.

Do what’s in your heart and not what people are putting in your head.

sending my love – Kristen

Post # 8
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I got married at 22, divorced at 23, but that is by no way a judgement on you.  Just make sure you know how serious marriage is. I didn’t, and that’s where it failed. Marriage is a lot of hard work and sacrifice. The best couples often work the hardest at it. If you guys can do that, awesome! I think that a lot of people feel that the early twenties are too young to be married because a lot of young people aren’t very mature.  And the younger you are, the less stable you tend to be, and the less stable you are, the more a couple tends to argue and disagree. (Over money, housing, school, time, whatever.) As others said though, it’s your relationship and your own lives that determine whether you’ll be good together. I’ve read different things that say that our brains are still developing well in to our mid twenties, and that the biggest judgements are best left until then. But this isn’t a research study, it’s your life, and your life is different from anyone else’s. My best advice is to just make sure you’ve thought everything through and that you’re well aware of the ramifications of spending your life with another human who is different than you, has different thoughts, different feelings, and possibly can be annoying or difficult to be with at times. Weigh the benefits and work on the issues (if you have any) before you tie the knot 🙂

Post # 9
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m in a similar situation. My fiance and I met and became friends in 10th grade, but didn’t start dating until the end of our freshman year in college. He’s dating a couple other girls, but that was a long time ago and nothing too serious. And I have never dated anyone else, not even casually! We are getting married next month (same day as hbowar!) and I don’t have any doubts whatsoever. (we are now 22 and 23) I think it’s easy for people to pass judgement, but they are not you. Only you and your fiance can truely know if you are ready.

For me, I feel that I have already done my growing, so to speak, as has my fiance. We are not young and immature and never really were. We talk openly about anything and everything and while we rarely argue, when we do we fight nice. If you and your fiance both feel prepared for marriage and are willing to be open with each other and work through any problems that come up then I see no reason why you shouldn’t get married. 

I’m sorry you have these people making comments like that to you. While I’m sure there are people who marry young, before they are ready, there are plenty out there who marry young and stay happily married. My cousin and her husband married at 19 and they have been married for 10 years now and are expecting their first child soon. They are the sweetest couple you have ever met, but people gave them a hard time when they married too. I guess what I’m trying to say is just try not to let these people get you down. As hbowar said, have fun proving everyone wrong! 

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Marriage cannot be entered into lightly.  IF you know deep down in your heart that you cannot and absolutely cannot live without your Fiance then get married.  Ignore the Naysayers.  I will tell you this much, if you are wondering about the what ifs in life, then wait a little longer.

My best friend was 20 when she got married (after 6 months of dating).  Her parents refused to attend her wedding. Thirteen years later and 3 beautiful kids they are still going strong.  I myself was in a very serious relationship at 20, but decided to wait and am glad I did. I found the love of my life at 26 and am now getting married at 33.  What I’m trying to say is that everyone is different.  Do what is right for you and your significant other.

Post # 11
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I guess my thoughts are very similar to the above posts.  No one can really say what’s "too young" or "too old" to get married.  For example, when you’re younger you’re less set in your ways so certain things will be easier.

But, I guess, the part that gives me pause is that you really don’t know at 20, 30, or 50 that what you want won’t change in the next 10 years.  I don’t think that’s what marriage is about.  I think it’s about making the commitment to work through stuff, even major changes and detours, together.  I believe pre-marital counseling is good for everyone, and I guess I would maybe suggest it a bit more strongly for someone younger who doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience.  Being in a relationship is work, and regardless of age it’s helpful to learn good tools. 

I don’t know you, but I wouldn’t necessarily say 21 is too young…but I would ask yourself what you can do to prepare yourself for the challenge of being married (something I’d encourage a person to do at any age).

Post # 12
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think that you have plenty of time if you know you are going to be together for ever what’s another 2-4 years. But, if this is what you really want to do now and you are that positive about it then go for it. I just want to tell you that people do change and so do your expectations of what you really want as you get older. Not trying to deter you just want to give you something else to think about.

Post # 13
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Here’s what my dad told my sis and I and then I’ll tell you about my sister and her H.

My dad sat my sister and I down and told us both this..He said "I love both of you and forbid each of you to marry at all or even consider it because this world is unstable these days.  You have to be sure 100 percent you can not only support yourself, but potentially support your H and if God forbid, you divorced, be able to support yourself AND the kids you may have 100 percent too.  Unless you both graduate from college, you will not have my blessing to marry nor get a dime from me to pay for any wedding."

Wow.  I thought he was so harsh.  But he was right.

I married my xh after dating almost 3 years after graduating from college and ended up being the one who NEEDED that job and education because I’m a single mom supporting my son.  I AM GLAD I DID THAT.  I’d ask you to consider what my dad said and if you’re able to say "ok" to that, then go for it.

My sister married at the age of 21 to her college bf.  She graduated from college a few months after the wedding (it was ok with dad because he knew she was graduating).  My sister then spent the next 4 years pretty much supporting her H because he was attending medical school.

They made TONS of sacrifices and had a beautiful daughter during his med school years.  They did not live on credit, they didn’t blow money, and they saved.  Scrimped.  No lavish vacays.  But they LOVED each other and respected each other and it was and has been beautiful to witness over the years as their relative.

They now have two kids, he’s a successful doctor, she owned a boutique (but is at home now with the kids) and they have a wonderful family life and marriage.  They go on lavish vacays now (after all the years sacrificing) and he just upgraded her wedding ring..it’s gorgeous..they still have anniversary trips together too.  They are absolutely adorable and still love each other.

I say go for it..but be able to do like my dad suggested and take his wise words to heart. 

My dad has passed away almost 10 years now.  I loved him so and still do.  I think he would be proud of how both of his daughters turned out now.

I am just now barely (as of a few weeks) 40 and am FINALLY marrying the love of my life.  But I can STILL honor the original question my dad asked me.  He wouldn’t worry.  He’d give me his blessing.

Love and hugs to you both.  Best wishes.  

Post # 14
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I guess that would depend on your maturity. I’ve dated my fiance since 9th grade. Yes I know, a LONG time. However, I found that we are better prepared for life and marriage after waiting. We were able to really grow as professionals individually by firmly establishing our careers and test our relationship as we became more distinctive individuals in our twenties. Its helped us to get to know what we want out of life individually and as partners. And yes, you can do this all while being married. 

My take is if he’s the one, what’s the rush? It’s not like either of you are going to look for other people. We both knew we’d always end up married, but it was only a matter of time. So once we felt like we were settled financially, emotionally and professionally, we decided to get engaged. As long as you have the right person, I wouldn’t worry so much about the when. So now that we’re in a more stable place, I’d have to agree with Miss Mary Jane, there’s a lot less to fight about and a lot more to enjoy. 

Post # 15
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Honestly? Yes, you’re too young to get married. I know you might not think you are going to change, but you are. My husband and his ex-wife were high school sweethearts, together through college and then married right before law school/med school. By the end of it all, they didn’t have anything in common and realized that even though they knew each other inside and out, they didn’t have the same dreams and priorities. For every story people will tell you about the bad things, there is a couple who made it, but IMO they’re few and far between. Good luck in your decision.

Post # 16
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

You are in a tough spot.  In my opinion, 21 is too young to get married.  But that’s just my opinion.  I started dating my Fiance at age 21 (I am now almost 29)…and within a month of dating him I knew that he was "the one" and he felt the same.  However, we decided to finish our educations and grow up together before marrying.  I think it was the right choice.  You have so much growing to do in your early 20s (and heck, into your mid-late 20s!)  There are many issues that we confronted as a couple at age 23, 24, and 25 that we did not have the knowledge or skills or maturity to deal with at age 21.

My parents got married at age 19 and 20 and love each other dearly and are still together.  But they always encouragd my Fiance and I to take our time.  Because, the odds are that no matter how in love you are or how strongly you may feel he is "the one" the divorce rate remains high and this is especially true for those who marry young.

So, my advice is if you know he is the one, then what is the harm in waiting?  You should take the time to enjoy your early adulthood together, grow together, and marry in a few years.  

Congrats on finding a special relationship and good luck!

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