(Closed) Am I totally crazy/unreasonable?…Rant!

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Am I being unreasonable?
    Yes, you need to deal with the crazy : (2 votes)
    8 %
    No, get the hell away : (19 votes)
    76 %
    I want more details, I'm going to ask below : (4 votes)
    16 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    349 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t think you’re wrong at all. How does HE feel about the situation, though? Do you think his parents are like that towards him cause he’s the only one with a good head on his shoulders? Do you think they are just so worried of drowning without him because their other kids are so bad?

    Post # 4
    Member
    11760 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Your feelings are valid, but it’s mostly his feelings that matter since it’s his family.  It’s up to him if he wants to move out or cut contact or not, not  you.  I’d of course be supportive in any choice he makes and listen to him if he wants to talk to you about it. But, I don’t think it’s something you should necessarily bring up to him.  Family can be a very touchy subject.

    Post # 5
    Member
    8044 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @MsCandyGirl:  I would be careful about how much you tell him to distance himself from his family until you’re at least married. The last thing you need is for him to start finding you bossy and resenting you. Remember, it’s different with family. Like if my sister is the biggest bitch to me I can say all the rude things about her I want, but if someone else starts calling her a bitch, I have a problem with that lol.

    With that said, I agree with you that he needs to set some boundaries. I think it’s just a case of him growing up and learning to distance himself from his family a bit. I don’t see why they’re rude to you guys when you’re the only ones who seem to be pulling your weight/doing well… maybe they need to be reminded of that (and your FI should do the reminding!).

    Post # 7
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @MsCandyGirl:  Trust me, with a mother like that he will NEVER stop being her personal assistant.. living there or not! My FI moved out about 3 months ago and his mother still calls him all the time to have him go do stuff for her!! Its sooooo annoying!! I think your FI will feel a lot better once he’s out of that environment but you should just continue to be supportive and encouraging. Try your hardest not to say anything negative about his family to him but let him know you feel that moving out would be for the best for everyone. 🙂 Good luck!!

    Post # 8
    Member
    8741 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Is your SO in school or finished?  Does he have a full time job and can he support himself?  Is he trying to save money by living at home?  To echo the pp, how does your SO feel about moving out at this time?  

    My guess is that the parents hold him to higher standards than his siblings *because* he is the responsible one.  If he is still living in their home rent free, I think they do have a right to ask him to be respectful, to follow “house rules”  and for the occasional favor.  Everything is a matter of perspective.  Maybe the parents would say he’s constantly late and disrespectful of their time.  Or that he’s living rent free and doing a few favors for them is the least he can do.  Treating him like dirt is definitely not OK.  

    If your BF is unhappy with the situation and can afford to support himself on his own then he can move out any time.  But we’ve also known people your age who lived at home for awhile and were able to save money for a house deposit, a wedding, or a ring. Maybe your SO is looking to the future and sees his current living place  as unpleasant, but temporary.

    Editing to ask why the mother doesn’t want SO going back to school.  Does she not value education at all?  Or  does she have an issue with the specific program, the timing, or the financial implications?

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    1966 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    He still lives at home? Is he financially independent? You never want to be the one to tell your SO to distance themselves from their family. It will come back to bite you in the ass. You can give your opinion & help wih advice etc but it should be his decision. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    8741 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @MsCandyGirl:  I think your instincts are correct and that the decision needs to come from.  Right now you need to stay out of the drama and let him handle it.  Encourage your SO  never to use you to bolster his arguments with his parents or to tell them or let it slip that you also think they are unreasonable.  And never say anything to them in any kind of direct way or confront them.  If they start to yell at SO in your presence, I would immediately leave the room or go out to the car and wait.  

    Remember, if you two end up together, these people will be a part of your lives forever, even if long distance.  You don’t just marry a person, you marry a family.  

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