- 5 years ago
(Posted this in Relationships but edited it and re-posted here). Regular bee going anonymous. I’ve been a bit of an asshole and I need objective advice.
Me and Fiance have been together 6 years. We’ve spent 2.5 years of that apart and are apart right now. We are in our mid-20s and it is ridiculously hard. Since fall 2012, I have been physically with him for three months total. I have done stupid shit to be near him and am now in a bad situation with Future Brother-In-Law as a result.
Future Brother-In-Law is insufferable. At 27, was still living at home and had never had a Girlfriend. He is good looking and has a good job, so why? Cause he is a narcissistic, disrespectful mama’s boy (bullies his mom, insinuates she is stupid, all while she did his laundry, cleaned his room, made all his meals). Made $70,000 a year and bitched about paying his parents $300 in rent to cover house, food, “laundry service” and meals. He is “liberal” but racist and sexist (says things like “Women just aren’t good at sports. They just aren’t” and he COACHES TEEN GIRLS.) He loses interest in what people are saying and will walk away mid-sentence. He is also a large, muscular person and uses his size to intimidate people, including me (“accidentally” knocks into me.)
Back story: When I was fresh out of college, I lived with FI’s parents for 7 months. Long story. Had to do with jobs near them, wanting to be near my Fiance and not wanting to live at home (no jobs, middle-of-nowhere). I interned full-time for 5 of those months. Over 7 months, I paid $2000 in rent which is nothing, but I helped his mom (including w/ FBIL’s fucking laundry). I felt like a freeloader, and guess I was a freeloader. I thought me and Future Brother-In-Law were friends but he has been holding this against me for 2 years.
Now: Fiance, Future Brother-In-Law, and FI’s best friend of 15 years are now renting a large house.
– I finished grad school in May. Hdn’t been with Fiance in EIGHT MONTHS so I stay with him for 2 weeks (granted, lugging all of my suitcases). Future Brother-In-Law freaks out about me being there. He assumes that I’m moving in because of the situation with his parents 2 years earlier. He calls his parents, his friends, everybody to complain. It’s just a visit but he’s a jerk the whole time. I go back to my parents. Look for jobs for 3 months, no luck.
– Fiance begs me to stay with him. He promises he’ll pay for me to live with him and I can apply to jobs while he works. I THINK his roommates are cool with this. But Fiance is too passive and does not work things out properly. Best friend isn’t crazy about the situation but deals. However Future Brother-In-Law is (quietly) livid.
– I stay 2 months (Sept to Nov). Wasn’t planning on staying much longer than that. It BLOWS UP IN MY FACE. Future Brother-In-Law does everything he can to push me out. My biggest failing was we didn’t pay enough. I kept telling Fiance he needed to pay extra toward rent and he said he would but didn’t. For the 2 months, I paid like $300 total for utilities, which is too little and I did it closer to the end of my stay so at first it seemed like nothing (FI obviously paid for our food and paper goods and stuff like that). However, I cleaned like a maid. Vacuuming every other day, dusting, cleaning the stove, bathtubs, everything. I stay the hell out of FBIL’s way and was in FI’s room most of the time. I shouldn’t have been there, but I didn’t care cause I want to be with my Fiance.
– It finally comes out that Future Brother-In-Law has been bitching relentlessly to everyone he knows as well as FI’s parents. And not normal stuff, but really awful things. He tells people (FI’s MOM) about fighting he overhears, about my personal faults (like my problems with alcohol abuse), embarrassing things I’ve done in the past (he’s known me since I was 18 for God’s sake!!)
Ultimately I have to leave after several big fights (and admittedly I said some cruel shit. He pushed me too far and I lost it). The biggest fight? He just got a girlfriend, his first. They’re in wuv, dating for 3 months at that point. She’s actually really cool. But to hurt me, he repeatedly would call her on SPEAKERPHONE and have loud bitch fests about me. Saying such nasty things, like how much better of a person she is than me. UM, my 6 year old relationship is different from new love okay? And yeah, I call him out on it, and his stance is that he can say whatever he wants about me in his house. And he’s right, but fuck him.
BUT HERE’S THE KICKER. Since I left, his girlfriend of 6 months – who has a great job and a home with her parents 20 mins away – IS LIVING THERE. She is there every night and all weekend, showers there, eats there, etc. Fiance sees her as much as Future Brother-In-Law saw me.
The lease is up end of March. Future Brother-In-Law is moving out to move in with his gf; Fiance is extending the lease 6 months. Fiance desperately wants me to come back (I mean, we haven’t had sex in three months and our entire relationship is over the phone). I’m concerned that this is my chance to be with him cause I am NOT looking for jobs in NY and I know once I find a job we will be apart again for a minimum of 6 months (he’ll need to get a different state license). Should I risk pissing off his brother and go back between late Jan and early Feb? Or should I just stay at my parents in Nowhere Ville?
What would you do?