Am I unloveable…

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee

1) If you are assessing whether you see a future based on one date, you’re shooting yourself in the foot. I knew a guy whose WIFE’s journal entries for their first SIX dates note that she didn’t think he had long-term potential–but she had a good time so she kept going on them and she changed her mind about long term potential on date 7. 

When I was single I went on second dates as long as the guy didn’t offend or annoy me on the first date. Some of the best guys I’ve known were super dull and awkward on the first date. 

2) women are initiators in most bar interactions. We don’t approach them, but we usually make brief eye contact. I didn’t know this either until a friend who gets hit on all the time told me. So I tried making eye contact with random dudes the next time we went out and suddenly there were a bunch of dudes buying me drinks. Is the problem your vibe? Yeah– even girls who aren’t particularly pretty get attention if they know what to do. 

 

Post # 3
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

penguin2591 :  Go on those second dates! Sometimes first dates don’t leave the best impressions because people are nervous/anxious/etc. How much do you really know about a person after one meeting anyway? Not much. 

And no, of course you’re not unloveable. You’re only 26 which is still plenty young. I didn’t start dating my husband until I was 28. You never know what is right around the corner. 

Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I thought my SO was just gonna be a short term fling for the first month or so TBH and now weʻre insanely crazy about each other so you gotta give guys more of a chance than a couple hours of interaction! 

Also, up the flirt! I never was for for sleeping around either, but I defintely flirted and charmed every guy i found remotely attractive. In fact, I hit on my now-fiance FIRST! Yup. I talked him up and now heʻs the best thing that ever happened to me.

If you have “fuck off” written on your face, thatʻs what youʻre gonna get. It doesnʻt mean you have to jump in bed with them by any means, but you do have to open yourself up a little more.

Post # 5
Member
5732 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I know very few people who seen a proper long term future with their now SO/ Fiance or husband after only one date, so I think you need to loosen up a little and go on a second date if the first was fun. And pay for the second date rather than allowing them to and then feeling bad.

Post # 6
Member
2245 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

penguin2591 : So, part of the problem is that you feel unlovable. That is the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nothing turns people off like getting the hint you don’t much like yourself. If you don’t love you, why would anyone else?

 

Though I got married when I was really young, I also got divorced when I was young. In the 16 years since my divorce, I spent about 4 years in LTRs and the rest of the time (excluding time with FI) single and increasingly convinced I’d never get married again. 

It always felt like I couldn’t successfully connect with the right person. Either I liked them and they weren’t into it, or vice versa. I tended to find myself in this endless pattern of dating all over the place but spending long stretches of time without having any meaningful romantic relationship in my life. This went on for YEARS.

Then, I had a boyfriend for about 6 months. I was very much in love with him, and while he was sweet, he was also really hard to pin down. Eventually I got wise that he was seeing other people and ditched him. But I was devestated. As I was getting toward the end of my 30’s I really did start to dispair that I’d never find someone to share my life with. 

After I broke up with him, I was driving home from work one day and was sobbing so hard I almost crashed my car. I pulled over and swore to myself I never wanted to feel that way again. 

And I haven’t.

I got therapy. I looked at the choices I was making that were resulting in me staying stuck in the patterns that weren’t serving me. I got serious about exploring what was going on inside of me that made a serious and committed relationship seem so impossible. I also read the book “Calling In The One” and worked my way through it beginning to end. 

I did this for over a year. I did this while taking a complete hiatus from dating. I spent the time doing things that made me feel good. I took vacations by myself. I did things I’d always imagined doing with a partner and just did them alone. I asked myself what I would need to do to be happy even if I never ended up in a relationship ever again, and then I came to peace with the idea that I might not. I cultivated friendships to meet my emotional needs and treated myself with the tenderness and compassion I wanted from a lover. 

Eventually I came to realize I could be happy alone, and that the only reason I would want to find a partner was if they could improve on the life I already loved. When I got to that place, I opened myself up to meeting someone. Fiance and I met about 6 months later. I was 37.  

Staying in contact with the last Boyfriend or Best Friend and keeping communication open means you weren’t really processing what went on between you with any emotional distance. Since that’s the case, you’re still in recovery from that. Be patient with yourself. Know that to find a good partner you have to BE a good partner. Think about the qualities you are looking for in a mate and ask yourself if you have them. If not, start to cultivate those things in yourself. Focus on the process of becoming someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. That way even if you DON’T find someone else, you can still be happy with you. 

You aren’t unlovable. But you have to be loving you before you can ask someone else to. 

Post # 7
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee

I was such an awkward turtle on me and my husband’s first date because I was so nervous. I am so glad he wanted to see me again regardless. Like PP said, if it’s a perfectly normal guy who wasn’t offensive or creepy go out on a second date and see what happens!

Post # 9
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

penguin2591 :  Also, just wanted to point out that I know SO MANY stories of couples who did not hit it off on the first date and now they’re happily married and couldn’t imagine it any other way. 

My best friend told me after her first date with her future husband that she didn’t think she liked him at all and was contemplating excuses to cancel on their second date. Boy is she glad she never thought of an excuse! They’ve been married for 2 years now and had their first child this May! 

Post # 11
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

First of all, you’re gonna have to start having second and maybe even third dates with some of these dudes. By all means if there are giant red flags keep it to one but it takes more than one date to really get a sense of who someone is.

It’s not even about looks, it’s about the vibe you put out. If you look fun and approachable then men will approach you.

Post # 12
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

When I met Lovey I thought he had absolutely NO long term potential ….. BUT he was fun, we had good conversation, and I thought he was cute  so we kept “dating” (not exclusively) for about 6 months …… THEN BAM it hit me one night while we were out to dinner “he’s the ONE!!”…. luckily for me ,it hit him too.  Fast forward 7 happy years ….. here we are engaged.

Point being …… you just NEVER KNOW. Sometimes you just have to let things breathe and progress naturally. Don’t  try so hard. Don’t cut someone off because he doesn’t fit a long list of requirements (pick 3 deal breakers and that’s it). Relationships don’t always make sense on paper….. so many intangible things come into play in matters of the heart. 

The right one is out there! As my father says “there’s an ass for every seat ” 😂

Post # 13
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

penguin2591 :  My first date with now husband was a great first date. The next couple, I wasn’t sure if we had a future. But we had chemistry and I didn’t want to throw something away that I was unsure of.

If you think you’re going to know after two dates, you are wrong. You have to give it more time than that. And there are a lot of ways to have inexpensive dates if you’re worried about costs.

Coffee and a walk in the park is cheap.

Post # 14
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

First, you are 26. I wish I could go back and enjoy my 20’s without worrying about “being alone forever,” or being “husbandless and childless.” I know it’s easy for me to say, but without even knowing you I can pretty much guarantee you that your fears will not come to pass. You don’t need someone else to love you to be loveable. If you are depending on that, the person who makes you loveable can also make you unloveable. Don’t give anyone that power.

I was divorced at 37 and had no problems finding my great Boyfriend or Best Friend at 38. I never really thought I would be alone forever or husbandless. Why would I be? My first date with Boyfriend or Best Friend was great, the second one not so much and I thought maybe he wasn’t the one for me. However, he suggested a really fun activity for our 3rd date and I had to go. That was the date when I knew there was real potential. So, go on those dates!

Post # 15
Hostess
4003 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’m one of those who’s first date with Darling Husband wasn’t exactly angels heralding our match. I thought he was cynical and pessimistic. But he was interesting and I enjoyed the conversation so I figured why not? The 2nd date actually sealed the deal and we’ve been inseparable ever since. And I didn’t meet him till the ancient age of 33. There’s still hope for you, Bee. But in the mean time, why not learn how to love yourself so you’re projecting how awesome you are out into the universe? People will be drawn to that, I promise. 

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