(Closed) Am I waiting? Thoughts on this situation?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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hotteatherapy:  It sounds like you’re ready, but he’s not.    He sounds like a nice guy, he just doesn’t see himself making that commitment right now with all that’s going on (school, career) still seemingly unsettled.

You’re also long-distance, and that’s hard.

To me this doesn’t sound like waiting, because I see “waiting” as more of “we’ve had the talk, and we both feel the same way, and a proposal is imminent!” — however, it does sound like you had a breakthrough talk in what you feel like is your “timeline”.  It’s up to you to decide how long you want to wait.   He has been honest with you in saying he’s not yet ready.  I would take that at face value and not assume he is going to jump to fulfill your expectations when he’s not there yet.  

Many folks here, I’ve noticed, are in relationships where they feel like the conditions aren’t “perfect” for marriage — one is in school, the other is unemployed, one still wants to attain certain career goals…..  etc.  The best advice I ever received around this was from my first boss.  She told me, “It’s never going to be perfect.”  The truth is, it’s not about waiting for the “perfect” time — it may never come where you both feel “stable”.  Marriage is not about that, either – it’s about sticking through.  Best wishes!!!

Post # 3
95 posts
Worker bee

First off, you two seem to have a very healthy relationship with communication that most people could only dream of! I love how honest you are with him, it’s very impressive. I end to clam up on those topics even though I know my SO is very understanding and sweet haha.

I don’t know how old you two are, but you seem to have a great relationship, and if you have to wait a bit for him to sort of “catch up” it’ll be so worth it. If he keeps asking you whether you would say yes, he clearly wants to marry you. It just sounds like he wants to wait a little bit so that he can get on the same page. Marriage is a daunting thing, even when you’re head over heels for someone, especially when your lives are sort of in flux with this new trajectory you may aim for together, and the fact that you’re long distance. If I were you, I’d do everything I could to make it so that you didn’t have to be long distance anymore. I was long distance with my SO for three years and eventually I took the step to move so that I could be with him, and it was the best decision I ever made. Our relationship changed a lot without long distance making it difficult, in a good way! It was a huge change but a great one, and now I feel so much more ready for marriage than I ever could have felt before, I think (although I’ve always known I wanted to marry him). Maybe that could give your SO the reassurance he needs as well!

Let the fact that that he takes both you and marriage seriously enough to want to wait until he is absolutely ready and in a good place to make it happen be a comfort to you. Support your SO and enjoy your relationship for what it is while you wait 🙂 It’s hard sometimes, but it sounds like it’ll be totally worth it when you get to that point! Good luck! 

Post # 4
611 posts
Busy bee

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hotteatherapy:  I think based on the fact that you are long distance and he is not yet ready to get married that you are not technically waiting.

I don’t see why he has asked you a couple times “If I were to ask you right now what would you say”. Its a moot point because he isn’t ready to ask you. I feel like he is getting your hopes up for something that is still so far away.

Post # 5
194 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know how many of us can categorically say yes, you’re officially waiting or the opposite. I mean, that depends on how your relationship develops but these are healthy, relationship developing conversation that you guys are having, and at the same time a good way to get expectations out in the open.. Whether and when they are fulfilled depends on how his feelings about marriage evolves from here. I think you’re doing well in bringing each other towards the same page but may need a couple more similar conversations before those expectations are fulfilled. At the moment it sounds like he is digesting the fact that you’re openly ready 

Post # 6
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

So you could both end up in grad school in different states…and then be offered jobs in different states.  When is someone going to make a sacrifice so you can live in the same place?

I can’t know your entire life from a single post, but it sounds like the “Would you say yes?” questions are probing the appropriate level of career sacrifice to give/take for the sake of your relationship.      

“Sunday he brought up an idea that requires a lot of thought and support for each other. It’s a totally different story, but the point is that it could change the trajectory of our futures, but we would still be getting things we wanted, reaching our individual and shared goals, etc, and it would potentially end our long-distance state.”  

^Compromise, especially without an engagement, is very tricky and it sounds like he is being considerate and not wanting to ask for more than he give you.   

Post # 7
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Akron, OH

“…$3,000 or $8 ring in hand, would you say yes?”

Ok that is adorable. I would say yes too! I don’t care if my SO proposes with a rubber band, as long I get the package deal that comes with it, I’m game. 

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