(Closed) Am I wasting my time Bees?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Its hard to say if you’re wasting your time from your post.  He has been looking at rings alone, so that’s something.  However wanting to live together vs not living together is quite a big issue to work though.  Its quite possible if you aren’t going to live together before getting married that he would need to date you for longer than 2 years.  Has he said he feels comfortable proposing without living together?

How do you know he is lying about having financial difficulties? 

Post # 3
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

He sounds like he’s moving in the right direction, just incredibly slowly.  You’re upset about him missing his timeline, and that’s quite understandable. To me, it’s incredibly important that a man keep his word.  

If moving in together before getting engaged is point-blank not something you’re willing to do, I think moving in together after getting engaged but before getting married is a good compromise.  Do you think it would make him feel better if you suggested a long engagement to leave time for adjustment to living together?  He’s obviously having some kind of hang up. 

At this point, I would suggest not pestering him anymore.  Have a doozy of a conversation about it, express your disappointment, and be very honest with him about the doubts you’re having.  Right now, this situation is unfair to you, and you need to start taking steps to keep yourself centered.  Tell him that if he doesn’t get a move on, you’re going to reconsider the entire relationship.  Set a date with yourself to re-evaluate the situation.  If there has been no change, then give your ultimatums or leave.  

Post # 4
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

He knows you don’t want to live together before at least engegement so I would not move with him. If he ask again you simply tell him he knows what to do to get a yes. He’s already lied about a proposal once so I would count on him to propose if you give in and live with him, but that’s just me. I don’t think 2 years is a longtime so I would wait a little longer but I would make it clear that lying about the proposal is not acceptable. I would tell him to not give a timeline and not keep it because that’ll be my walk date. It’s better for him to tell you if he’s not ready yet to keep lying and dissapoint you.

Post # 5
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

How has he responded to the no living together until marriage talk? He seems to bring up the living together thing quite a lot and you seem to be bringing up a marriage. have you discussed of an engagement and long engagemetn while living together? As someone who has to live with their partner before engagemtn or marriage I would find it very difficult to discuss marriage seriously with timelines until having livd together for a few years. Was the timeline he gave himself a promise to you or general thinking outloud talk? And this moving across town, are you willing to do it once you do get engaged?

Of course it’s possible he doesn’t want to live together but could also be that he just relaly wants to live tgether first.

Post # 7
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

It’s a red flag if he gets offended and upset when you try to talk about the future. And always ALWAYS believe his actions. Trust me on this. I’m not much help, but from what you wrote, it seems like there may not be a future with this guy.

Post # 10
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

Would you be willing to compromise? He says he wants to live together first before getting engaged. Could you say after 6 months you want an engagement, if not then you are moving out? 

Post # 11
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
curlywurlybee :  This is my experience, maybe it will help, maybe it won’t.

I was like you when I met my current partner. I had had 3 bad experiences with living with (cough, loser) boyfriends that I didn’t want to try again, because I was afraid it wouldn’t work out. 

Clearly, this partner was very different. There were many things that made me think he would be a good lifelong partner. He had never lived with a partner and was concerned about just getting engaged without having lived together. I had to live with him for about 3 months while in between houses.

We were both sad for me to go live at my new house and I ended up moving back in.

He said the 3 months was good enough for him to make a decision and we have talked about the engagement, looked at rings, picked a ring out, and we talk about getting married happily and with excitement.

Could it be that you are not compromising with him like I did? I’m sure you have your reasons (I did too). To be fair, I did have another house I could fall back on (that’s being rented out), but I truly did not believe that was going to happen, and I realized that it was just my fear getting in the way. And my partner was able to compromise with me so that we could both be happy.

Post # 13
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
curlywurlybee :  I can definitely understand why you’re upset that he missed his timeline. But since you came here for thoughts, one thing I got from your post is it’s all about what you want and how he caved to it and then failed to deliver. 

So a few things. 

1. Your couple communication isn’t top notch. He is being passive aggressive and you’re kind of bulldozing what he wants. 

2. What he wants is to live together first. He told you this, but you didn’t agree, so he set a timeline to give you what you want. Basically he didn’t want to lose you so he agreed on the surface. But he didn’t change his fundamental belief system. This is a problem, because now he isn’t taking action in the cave.

3. Where is the compromise? Instead of being passive aggressive, you guys could come up with a compromise involving living together and an engagement. 

4. Have you gone to him to ask him how he sees this going and what he needs in order to feel ready to propose? There’s, again, a whole lot of what you want and need, and a sort of ignoring what he said he needed. 

Often these posts are about a man misleading a woman when he doesn’t really plan on delivering. For some reason, yours doesn’t seem that way – maybe because he’s said he wants to live together first and pushed for that and then went to look at rings. But there is a fundamental divergence of needs that is a challenge to address. 

But this is what life is about — so if you guys can face this challenge together and come up with a solution where everyone is heard and addressed, you’ll be in a good place as a couple. 

That said, I would not be okay with a person who can’t articulate his “no” and chose instead to be passive aggressive by just ignoring his agreement. It’s okay to say no; it’s not okay to say yes and then act out no indirectly. Communication is a bfd. 

Post # 14
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Does he have his own place already? That’s what your wording sounds like, but I just wanted to clarify.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be engaged without living with someone first.

Post # 15
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It’s hard, because you want to be engaged before moving in and he wants to move in before getting engaged…you guys have to find some sort of compromise if you want to move forward at all. You definitely need to have a serious discussion about this, but I suggest being open to change on your part- if neither one of you is willing to give a little, then yes, you’d be wasting your time. 

You also need to understand that not everyone moves at the same pace. Clearly what’s slow to you is rapid to him. I wouldn’t compare your relationship timeline to other people’s, because everyone is different. Just because other people have met and got engaged within 2 years doesn’t mean you have to! 

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