(Closed) Am I wasting my time? Is it too early to quit? I want to be alone.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
4750 posts
Honey bee

I think the fact that losing the dogs is more heart-rending to you than losing your husband is probably all the information you need to know.

It was a mistake to not share all of your financials with each other prior to getting married.  Financial issues and fights over money are cited as one of the leading issues leading to divorce.  I think the average person will probably say counseling would be in order first.  I think I would say that usually, but 1) you have to have two willing participants, and 2) you have to have two individuals who actually recognize there is a problem to be fixed.  I’m all for communication and making attempts to compromise and work through things first in most circumstances.

But then again, there’s no way I would have married a guy who has no sense of responsibility and blames everyone else for everything (I know you said you didn’t realize this about him initially).  Like it’s such an ugly characteristic to me, there is no possible way I could be attracted to that person – I dated a guy like this and the more of this behavior I saw from him, the less and less attracted I was to him.  Good work ethic and the ability to have humility and accept resopnsibility is so important to me and attractive qualities to me.  And while sometimes it can be a maturity thing someone can grow out of, I work with SO MANY people like this who act this way at age 30, 40, 50, and 60 that I am not convinced it really is something that one can grow out of on their own vs. some inherent character flaw.  At the very least, it has to be a quality he recognizes in himself and wants to change.  So, yeah…I get it.  Not really sure what you should do about it, but I get it.  I also think living on your own and being on your own for some period of time before marriage is an important experience, too (not that it can’t be successful any other way, but the most successful relationships I personally know are the ones who took time to develop a good sense of self and independence to really discover who they are and what they want in a partner). 

Post # 17
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

frustratedwife90 :  Nope. Nope nope nope. This is unacceptable.

Your husband has wilfully deceived you and shows no remorse or recognition of his responsibility here–or any sign at all that he remotely gives a shit about your feelings. He has shown you very clearly what kind of person he is: the kind of person who will create elaborate lies about you and tarnish your reputation for the possibility of a little money and sympathy. That’s not someone I would want at my side when I am vulnerable or in need. That’s the kind of person I want as far away from me as possible at the best of times. 

So:
1) Attend therapy (solo) to hash out what you want in your life, to become comfortable with conflict in asserting yourself (“bitch mode” doesn’t cut it; those groceries should have gone back) and to get some professional validation for your gut instinct to get the fuck out

2) Double check whose name is on the adoption papers for the dogs

3) Call that realtor and set up an appointment to see the loft

Post # 18
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

In general I think bees in this forum recommed to get a divorce to almost everyone who has a problem with their spouse, which in my opinion is ridiculous, and in many cases there are other options than divorce.

However, you’re already fantasizing about a life without your husband, and you call it paradise. I think you already made your decision, and you want out. It’s not gonna be easy, and it’s not gonna be smooth. But in the end it’s the right decision and you’ll be better off. 

Post # 23
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I started to write a whole thing about how you should tally up what your expenses actually were in the four months you “free-loaded” and how they are barely a fraction of $8k etc etc etc but then I realized there is no point. Perpetual victims like your husband cannot be reasoned with–it’s not even worth your breath to try. His parents have probably been enabling his woe is me, world out to get me poor baby mindset since infancy. So leave them to it. Your husband isn’t even willing to try counseling, so what’s to salvage? He had to be asked to comfort you when your brother died? I know it’s bad to diagnose people, but this guy has narcissist written all over him….the victimhood, the debt, the lack of empathy, the unwillingness to ever see a fault in himself, etc. He needs to be wiling to do some serious work on himself before he’d be able to be a supportive partner to anyone…yet he doesn’t see himself as the problem so that will never happen.

I would sign a lease with the artsy loft ASAP….it sounds delightful. 

Post # 24
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

I know exactly how you feel OP. My ex often bragged to me about how he had no credit card debt, was doing so well financially, and would often insult some of our friends who were having money troubles. After five years I found out it was all lies, he was actually $100 000 in credit card debt. Yes, 100k. He had 5 cards and a personal loan. And you know what he said to me? “It’s not my fault, I’m generation Y.” 

“I’m generation Y” was his excuse for being secretly 100k in credit card debt. Some people just don’t get it. 

 

Post # 25
Member
6674 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I sincerely hope his mother apologizes to you for her text. At least it helped you get clear on exactly how full of shit your husband is being.

I would be making two plans at the same time- one for what would absolutely have to happen in order for me to stick around (husband would be on some form of marital probation for me- he sounds ridiculously immature and self deluding) and another that involves me cutting ties with Mr. Failure to Launch and building a life on my own. I would start making baby steps toward both plans in ways that made me feel that I was keeping the momentum in my life while I watched to see what he did. Then, at some point in the not too distant future, I would speak with him and see what he seems to be talking about. I’d probably point out many of the changes you mentioned about him between the dating stage and since marriage. And then, based on his response (and how much bullshit it contained), I’d make my choice and move on it.

A loft sounds lovely. And if that’s the choice you end up making, hopefully he’ll start to face himself and the consequences of his own choices.

Post # 26
Member
11464 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

frustratedwife90 :  I’m sure this is hard, it’s much easier for us to see from the outside that this is going nowhere without counseling and even that would be a hope, not a guarantee. But this is the man you married thinking forever. 

The thing is, we have no control over other people. So you married him in good faith, he lied to you and about you, and he isn’t going to grow up since he won’t even consider counseling, which even if he doesn’t agree with would be a gesture of someone who understood they messed up big time.

 

 

Post # 27
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

Your Mother-In-Law is waaayyyy out of line. “He didn’t want you to know.” SO HER NOSY ASS DECIDED TO TELL YOU ANYWAY?? What the entire f*? She wanted you to be fully aware that SHE bailed YOU out of a jam and now you’re beholden to her. She expected you to text or call her after the check was written thanking them for their boundless generosity and since you didn’t she reached out with that bullshit. In other words, you can thank me now, please. No way, this shit needs to be put to right PRONTO!

Many years ago, my sister ran up a bunch of fines with DMV for not carrying insurance and they were going to suspend her registration so I was dumb enough to put her car in my name. Guess what she did? Of course, she ran up a bunch of fines in MY name and they sent me a letter threatening to suspend mine on ALL my vehicles – my personal car, hers, and my husbands. Total due was about $3k. So she was getting married and having the wedding of the century and I said hey, I NEED you to pay that money NOW, damn an ice sculpture. Attitude and arguments. I got dismissed as MoH, blah blah blah. Family got involved and I was reinstated as MoH and she very grudgingly made a withdrawal and gave me the money but her Fiance questioned her about it and she told him I WAS DOWN ON MY LUCK AND SHE WAS HELPING ME OUT!! So, days or weeks later I got a new tattoo and was showing it to them. Back then, tatts were expensive. He asked how much it was and I said $350 and he looked at me all funny. Later he made comments to someone else about how IRRESPONSIBLE I was with money, etc… and how they’d just helped me out and I went and blew money on a tattoo!! I wanted to spill the beans sooooo badly but I was forbidden to say anything. So fast forward about 10 years and this guy still thinks I’m some sort of mooching slouch because of the “loan” which of course I never repaid (because it wasn’t a loan) and one day I just EXPLODED and told him what was what. But as you can see, his basic impression of me was colored behind that LIE for years and years.

That is what your husband has done to YOU. Handle it.

Post # 28
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I would be offering your husband two alternatives: marital and financial counselling, or he can deal with your divorce lawyer.  And if he goes for option one, his parents are not to be told anything except “we’re doing fine”.  For now, I’d be kicking him onto the couch until he makes up his mind which option he’d prefer.

Post # 29
Member
11221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

frustratedwife90 :  

You can’t have dogs in your loft?  Is your husband responsible enough to take care of them on his own?  

Post # 30
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

frustratedwife90 :  There’s a forum on another website that I believe would be much more helpful to you. It’s community.babycenter and the group is marriage and relationships, or dwil (dealing with inlaws). The people are amazing there–giving advice and helping you through a situation like this. They have been in similar situations and are very experienced.

Good luck.

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