(Closed) Am I wrong?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

clarissabee:  This is what you said first

he says he doesn’t want cheap furniture in his place. (emphasis is mine)

This may be the heart of the matter. He doesn’t consider this to be your (meaning the two of you) place. He considers it to be his place.

ps Bookshelves don’t have to cost anywhere near $1000, even good ones.

 

Post # 18
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Not trying to be rude, but he is supporting you. You said “The way we do it he pays for his things and I pay for all of my things. We buy separate groceries for example. He pays all the rent and all the household expenses, except for the internet bill which I have agreed to pay since I found a second part-time job. So he is not supporting me at all- I pay my own school expenses, food, clothes, health insurance…” Your money is yours for your expenses alone and his money goes to support you.

I’m not saying he’s right or communicated well, but when the move to a larger place, which you say is only $300 more a month, the reality is that it is $300 more a month for him. Plus, the increased costs often associated with a larger place, such as electric, heat, cooling, etc. That’s all coming out of his pocket.

And, I’ll be honest, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact the when you buy groceries, you only pay for your own, leaving him to buy his own- when he pays for the house and all household expenses.

(and, just an FYI- first generation college student here. I did it all on my own- three degrees, no parental help, and I toted a toddler along- he attended all three of my college graduations. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it can be done on ones own).

Post # 21
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

If he is completely covering your share of the rent, then I think you need to make do with the space you have and not push for him to spend even more on rent. $300 more a month is a BIG increase in one person’s expenses. It does sound like you’re not treating this as a shared space, though, with the separate groceries and him not allowing “inferior” furniture in his place. That’s definitely something you’ll have to work out if this is going to be a forever relationship.

Post # 22
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you have very different values. This may be circumstance or it may be just how you both think and neither of you will change so you’ll have to learn to compromise.

He sounds a little like me, wanting quality and hating the culture of buy cheap and dump it in a year or so when it’s broken. He’s willing to go without to make this happen.

Given your tidy personality and student circumstances, it’s understandable that you just want things sorted. Could you suggest he look at quality second-hand furniture? This would be cheaper and you’d already be able to see if it will wear well.

How will you tackle groceries in the long run given your different attitudes too? Will you be happy to buy more expensive stuff once you have more money or will this become a bug-bewr too?

Post # 23
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a little confused about why you guys live together but don’t share groceries etc. it sounds very much like a roommate situation. I haven’t read any of your other posts but if you guys are in a serious relationship, you might want to put some thought into your compatibility issues especially on your living styles. It strikes me as odd that he doesn’t think basic organization and furniture are priorities but to be fair, if getting s table is for you to study then it should be your expense to cover. 

Post # 24
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Firstly he is supporting you. It’s not fair you to demand he spend more money on you (bigger place, furniture he sees as unnecessary etc). 

Im with your boyfriend id would rather have no bookcase for a while if it meant I could get one I really liked later on. We had no dining table for 2 months because I didn’t want to spend money on something I didn’t love, my boyfriend agreed with this because we have the same outlook on these things. 

It sounds like a roommate situation, not a couple. Without sounding harsh this doesn’t sound like you are compatible, especially with the other worries you’ve had recently. 

Post # 25
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Honestly these are all things you should have discussed before you moved in. Did you not notice how he lacked furniture and organization before?

My husband had the same kind of bachelor pad before but I brought the furniture(already had a collection of stuff) when we moved into our first apartment together. He didn’t really have silverware either! Just a box of plastic forks and knives lol men

Post # 26
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee

Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

For me, his attitude wouldn’t be acceptable. He’s basically saying that your stuff is not good enough for him. It sounds like you have moved in to his flat and he still sees it as his flat not your (as in both of you) flat.

If you have the option of either moving back in with your parents until you’ve finished your education and can afford to contribute 50/50 to all of the living expenses then I’d do that. Alternatively – both move to a new flat that you choose together and see whether his attitude changes.

A PP mentioned waiting until you can afford what you really want, which I agree with to a point. But at the same time you can buy stand ins for temporary use and I think his refusal to use any of these at all is unreasonable.

Post # 27
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

clarissabee:  Go buy the cheap furniture you want/need with your own money. If he hates it so much, he can replace it with something he likes.

Post # 28
Member
14965 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Time for a nice long time (though the time was probably WAY before moving in) about how he envisions the future to be.   Do you ever plan on living the same lifestyle?  Do you plan on keeping finances separate?  How would he handle buying furniture for a truely shared living space, cause this is obviously still his space that you get to live in for free.   If it stays like this, are you ok living like this?  What if you buy a home, and want some piece of furniture that he doesnt want?  Do you just buy it with “your” money?  What if he hates it and wants to get rid of it, then what?  Who’s gonna grocery shop in the future, you going to continue buying and prepping meals separately?  You want to eat like he does when you make more money?  What if you’re buying a new futnirture set that you’re spliting 50/50 and you want a 2k set, and he doesnt think it’s good enough and wants a 10k set, you gonna cough up that 5k or be at a stale mate?  Doens’t seem like he’s willing to change his ways….are you willing to change all yours?

Sounds weird that he doesnt want “cheap” stuff in his house, yet he stands there to eat his meals and eats off paper and plastic and can’t even keep a decently furnished house….

Post # 29
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My short, off the cuff answer is to drop the bigger apartment since you’re not paying for any of that. I study in my living room too. Would it be awesome to have a separate study room? Yes. But it’s a luxury. I work at my kitchen table (which is also my dining room table) or on my couch.

It’s the other stuff that I don’t understand…do you eat together? How do you decide whose groceries to use? Do you talk about how finances would go if you marry?

 

Post # 30
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

ExcitedScaredBee:  Legit point. If you need furniture and he won’t agree to purchase it, tell him you’ll buy basics with your funds, and if he decides to upgrade with his you’ll sell the “interim” stuff.

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