Am I wrong?

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, the part about this that bothers me the most is that your fiance never brought it up until three years into the relationship.  I personally like to know if the man I’m dating has any kind of history with his female friends.  I would have raised hell the second he told me. 

Post # 3
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I understand your personal feelings about this girl, however the true issue, in my opinion, is that she wasn’t formally invited by you or your Fi – his friend invited her. You can’t just RSVP people who haven’t gotten an invite. 

Post # 4
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

I think you’re overreacting. Your ex slept with this girl long before you were together, he’s marrying you, and everyone has a past.  My ex had slept with a friend of his two years before he and I met. She and I became acquaintances after ex and I started dating, and she was invited to his bachelor party and our wedding. It didn’t bother me at all. His past was his *past*.

There’s no reason to penalize/punish this girl for having had consensual sex with your Fiance before you two got together. 

Post # 5
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

Nobody should RSVP with a guest when they did not receive a plus one.  Rude! 

You could use guest count/space as an excuse.  However, if she is part of your friend group I don’t think you can exclude her without looking like the bad guy.  You are punishing her for something she did with your fiance years ago before you even met him.  You will be surrounded by plenty of other people and won’t be thinking about it at your wedding.

 

Post # 6
Member
2737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
tasjasaysno :  I agree that he shouldn’t have witheld this information for so long, but can’t change that now. Ultimately, you guys didn’t invite her and your guest (his friend) isn’t allowed to just invite her to all of these events, especially your girls night out. I think it’s weird that she would even want to go without getting an invite from you. 

I would consider allowing her to the wedding since the friend is now in a serious relationship with her, but everything else is a no.

Post # 7
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

Why was he able to RSVP additional people? And why was he able to RSVP for an event he’s clearly not going to (the girl’s night out)? You should probably fix your RSVP feature. I think she should come to the wedding as the friend’s date, but you shouldn’t have to hang out with her on your girl’s night out.

Post # 8
Member
7383 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Why did you send invites 1 year prior? That is madness. 

Let her come to the wedding/wedding related things as his date. She doesn’t need to come to your bachelorette if she’s not a close friend. 

Post # 9
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

no, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope.

Sorry, I would tell the friend that he wasnt given a plus one and that there is no additional room.

But I know I am pettttttty.

 

Post # 10
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

No no no ma’am. I would just say she’s not allowed. I’m very direct though, and would have absolutely no problem telling her directly that I don’t want any of my fiance’s sexual conquests at our wedding. No further explanation than that is necessary. Your feelings should be of greater importance to your husband-to-be than his ex’s feelings. And if he’s not willing to protect your well being on your wedding day, then you need to protect your own well being. Tell her (or her boyfriend) no, and tell them exactly why. If they think you’re being childish, oh well. They can think and talk about how “childish” you are from the comfort of their own home, not at your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
10208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

First of all, how does he even know about the girls night out to RSVP for her? I assume girls night out is your bachelorette. 

I do think she should be invited to the wedding and that part isn’t a big deal but I also guess I just don’t see the big deal that they slept together in high school a million years ago. Especially when you actually liked the girl until you found out. 

Is this guy a groomsman? If not, why are randoms being invited to all the prewedding events? I guess I’m confused about all your prewedding events you say she is now attending and having non family/bridal party members RSVPing for them. 

What other pre-wedding events did they RSVP for that you say you will have to see her at the whole week of the wedding? And if his friend isn’t a groomsman then why is he attending these things (I assume it’s like rehearsal dinner and traditional events)

It’s important to know if this guy is just a regular ol’ guest or if he’s actually involved in the wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Aw hellllll naw.

First of all, he shouldn’t have withheld that information for as long as he did. You were not wrong to be mad about that (I would have been furious.) I personally believe that couples should disclose sexual history fairly early in the relationship, but I understand that some people aren’t 100% comfortable with that for several reasons. However, the past is past, he’s only human, etc. You can’t change it, so there’s no need to be angry about it forever. 

Now, as for this RSVP situation:  NOPE.

I can tell you right now, neither my FH or I will have exes at our wedding, despite being civil with most of them. The one exception is one of my exes…. we grew up together, dated for a few months in middle school, barely even kissed, and he is now openly 100% gay. So that hardly counts. EVEN STILL, if FH was uncomfortable with it for whatever reason, I wouldn’t invite him because it’s his wedding, too.

It sounds to me that you clearly have nothing to be worried about. It was a long time ago, and the ex is now with his friend. It was rude of him to RSVP her without being given a plus one, but I admit that even I’m recently discovering a lot of ettiquette that I never knew existed. He might not realize.

BUT WHHHYYYYYY the girl’s night out? Does she think it’s her chance to bond with you and hopefully ease any tension? Maybe. Is she medically insane? Also possible. Either way, I wouldn’t allow it.

I think having her at the wedding would be reasonable (but still generous) of you. It’s definitely a weird situation.

Post # 13
Member
6791 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I do not understand your feelings here. Your Fiance has moved on and so has she- so much so that she is in a relationship (and presumbly sleeping with) with one of his friends. If there was any lingering weirdness for them, it would have shown long before now. Also, I would assume that he didn’t tell you he took her virginity because that’s not really any of your business, to be frank. You don’t need to be in possession of that information now, either. You’ve hung out with her, you like her, YOU were talking about inviting her, but now you’re bothered because she saw your FI’s dick a few times when he wasn’t even good at sex yet and one of those times was her first time?

The only thing that would be an issue to me is the fact that someone was able to rsvp her for your girls night out. How the hell did he do that and how do you make sure no one else can do that with others?

All the other stuff is just looking for drama. They slept together in HIGH SCHOOL. Are you guys recent high school graduates? Because otherwise, it seems like this should be far enough in the past that the shit that was going on in high school isn’t determining your decisions right now. You just have to see her again and get past the initial weirdness (“Huh. My husband’s dick was her first ride.“) and then carry on as you were.

Post # 14
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m from a small town, so had I married someone from that small town it would have been pretty hard to avoid inviting someone my SO had dated. That being said, I do have to wonder how old you are. Not in a demeaning way, but if high school was just a few years ago for you, I can understand why this would bother you so much. If you’re in your 30’s, this is far in the past and shouldn’t be bothering you to the extent it is. It honestly is up to you whether you want her there. On the one hand, it’s rude to RSVP for a plus one when you weren’t given one, and how the HECK did he RSVP for some girl’s night for her?! Since they are in a serious relationship, it’s going to be awkward at best to uninvite her. It has the potential to be a friendship ending move to say she can’t come. Not saying your friend is in the right, I don’t think he is. However, now that this can of worms has been opened, it will be difficult to find a tactful way to say she can’t come. I suppose the only way to do that might be to say you are already at capacity and didn’t account for plus one’s for your unmarried friends (or something to that extent). I don’t think you’re being ridiculous, but if it’s been a long time since high school for you, I think it would be good to find a way to move on regardless if she attends. You got the guy, and she’s happily with someone else. Odds are, you’re the only one that will be thinking of this still. But if it still bothers you at the end of the day, don’t let others dictate it. This is your wedding, not theirs. 

Post # 15
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
tasjasaysno :  I think it was shitty af of your fiance to never tell you this but that’s on him. From what you said she’s a nice girl and a good friend so she must be feeling gutted to not even get an invite? And yes you are putting him in a shitty position but he’s also responsible for that. 

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