Post # 1
I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks so my emotional gage is a bit off. My friends just keep letting me down… wedding planning is awesome.
I’m so upset with a friend of mine from college. A different one, great. We’ve all been friends since 2001. We all live somewhere on the east coast so we travel together a lot, we go to every major event no matter the distance or the inconvenience. Until now apparently…
Here’s the background info. My friend, lets call her R. Was engaged to be married in Sept of 2009. In August her Fiance called off the wedding. It was rough, I felt horrible for her. I cried for her, I wanted to cause him bodily harm. She’s one of the sweetest people I know, she didn’t deserve this. Shortly after this happened she started dating a series of random guys. It was an obvious attempt to fill a void. Maybe its working because she’s been dating a man for a couple of months now. Who knows?
Fast forward to 30 minutes ago- my other friend called her to work out the hotel accommodations for my wedding. At this point, R told her she can’t go, that its still too hard for her. She’s still hurt by what happened and to go to a wedding it just too much.
I TOTALLY understand that she’s still healing. That’s a horrible experience and I can’t imagine the pain. Its been 6 months so the wound may still be fresh. However, I feel hurt. I’m tempted to say she’s being selfish but I won’t. Because I don’t know what that is like, and I don’t know how I’d handle this. My friend freaked out at her, telling her this isn’t about her, that she’s my friend, this is a big deal and she can’t do this. That probably wasn’t the way to go about this but I do appreciate that she understands my side too.
Honestly, I don’t think things would ever be the same if she doesn’t come. I’ll be so hurt. Am I wrong?
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re wrong. Her friend is getting married and she should want to be there for you. It might be hard for her, but she’ll have to face a wedding some day. Of course, it’s ultimately her decision. I would just let her know, gently, that having her there is very important to you, and that you really hope she will come to support you on your day. The decision is hers, but hopefully she realizes the damage this could do to the friendship.
Post # 4
Ok, that was in September 2009 You’re getting married in June 2010….I think 9 months is plenty of time to have moved on enough to the point you can be a good friend. I think she’s being selfish. Time to move on. 9 months just seems excessive. You can do a lot of healing in 9 months. You were a friend to her during that time, now she needs to be your friend.
Post # 5
It’s weird how attending or not attending a wedding plays such a role in future relationships, huh? If you want, I think you could tell her you understand her pain but how much it would mean to YOU if she came. Then leave it at that. If she still doesn’t come, then you’re right, you may drift apart. But you never know.
Post # 6
I understand both sides of what is going on.
I know that if Fiance called off our wedding, I wouldn’t touch another one with a 10ft poll for a long time. It would be really painful. I see where she is coming from. It also sounds like she might not have dealt with it yet. Rebound dating is not exactly the best way to get over a relationship.
On the other hand, I think that I would probably be upset too. Your other friend is right. Your wedding is about you, not your friend and she needs to get over it and be happy for you, but I think it was badly handled. I think you are justified in being upset at her. She is being pretyty selfish. Your wedding is in June. She’ll have had 10 months to get over it at that point. She needs to move on and be happy for you.
Post # 7
I’ll say it! She’s being selfish. It’s your big day and she should be happy for YOU and attend even if she’s still healing. Everyone goes through a heartbreak at least once in their life, but guess what, we all move on!!!
I definitely don’t think it’s an acceptable excuse to miss out on a good friend’s wedding. Maybe I’m being too harsh… but probably not.
Post # 8
First of all, that is absolutely horrible what happened to your friend. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through that and god forbid..
Second, you are justified in your feelings, she is going about this the wrong way. I mean I could understand if there was a wedding the week after her cancelled wedding, but you are her friend and she has to be there for you. And for her own benefit she needs to move on.
In my opinion she is making this all about her which is very selfish. But I honestly don’t know what you can do besides share your sympathies and regrets that she can’t make it. The second you show any kind of frustration I guarantee she turns on you and makes you out to be a bad guy.
Post # 9
One of the worst things about life after that kind of break up is that it goes on. Be patient with her, let her know that you love her and you’re there to support her, and when it feels right tell her it would mean the world to you if she would come to your wedding since it wouldn’t be the same without her.
Post # 10
She’s not coping properly. Avoiding your wedding is not going to help fix her emotional trauma. If anything she should face the wedding, knowing it will be hard from her, so that she can MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE and grow as a person. One of my FI’s groomsmen is in the process of divorce and he’s not indulging himself in any pity parties, and this divorce will most likely still be going on WHEN we get married. Fiance asked him is he was OK with everything and BECAUSE HE IS A GOOD FRIEND, he said “I would not miss your wedding for anything in the world, buddy. My relationship problems have nothing to do with you and I’ll be there excited and happy for you – and taking full advantage of the open bar.” That’s what a solid friend does in this situation. I’m not saying it’s easy, but she will have had NINE MONTHS to deal with her loss and her grief, and you do not get over things without facing them head on. You can’t move past a trauma by evading it.
Post # 11
You know that I’m usually one to chime in on these types of threads with “you’re overreacting, chill” but I do not think you are. I feel very sad for what happened to your friend, but as PP said, she’s going to have to go to a wedding eventually. I don’t think she should be expected to “get over it” at nine months, but I think she can manage to attend a wedding for a close friend.
If my friend did this, things would not be the same after. Not because she missed MY DAY OMG but because I would feel she was not the friend I thought she was.
Post # 12
I can’t even imagine what your friend must’ve gone through/is still going through. I feel terrible for her. I think ejs said it best though “You were a friend to her during that time, now she needs to be your friend.“
One of my MOH’s is divorced, it was a pretty bad situation and she had a really rough time for a while. At the time, I told her that if she wanted to decline, I would completely understand. She basically said the same thing to me that ejs mentioned above – she wanted to be there for me like I’d been there for her.
She’s since told me that helping with my wedding was cathartic for her. It made her exicted for her future and she’s got all these ideas for the next time she gets married. She keeps saying things like “oh man, I wanna look HOT for your wedding” and then we laugh about it.
Do you think your friend understands how you feel?
Post # 13
Agree with hotchild. I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset, but she’s also not necessarily being selfish or making it about her to admit that attending a wedding is tough for her, even nine months later. People heal at different rates, and there’s no one-size fits all approach to this kind of thing.
It would be great if she could make the leap and be there for you, so I suggest telling her how much it would mean to you for her to be present. That you understand how much of a challenge it will be, that it can’t be easy, but that you really need her, your friend, to be with you for support.
Post # 14
I guess I’m the only one here, but I think it’s ok for her to not attend the wedding and I don’t see how that should change your relationship with her.
She is going through a very difficult experience that is very fresh at the moment. Maybe she’s not coping properly, but the fact is that she is not coping. We can’t judge how much time it should take for her to be ok and move on, because everybody’s different. Maybe now she doesn’t feel ready and then in June she would be, who knows…
Right now, you both are into big things in your lives, yours happier than hers; therefore I think you have to be the understanding friend that she needs right now. She lost her fiance already, will you put that kind of pressure on her also? How would you like your friends to react with you if it were the other way around? Can you imagine losing your fiancé one month before your wedding? Yeah she’ll have to attend a wedding one day or another, but we can’t, without being her, judge when the good time is. She needs to take care of herself right now and I think she’s allowed to be a little selfish at the moment. She needs to, for her sake.
Post # 15
I think I might be more forgiving of her than other bees. I have to admit, I really haven’t had an experience like hers before. But maybe that’s why I’m not that hard on her. She probably shouldn’t be throwing herself as much of a pity party. But I really feel for her.
I think I can appreciate that a lot of stuff will surface for her, at your wedding. She’ll be thinking how she should have been there with him. That it would be getting close to her first anniversary, etc. Also, she is probably grieving this like a death. And the whole first year is so hard. You’re comparing things like “this should have been our first_______ together.”
She might be thinking of herself more than you. But she might not really feel you need her there for you on your wedding day. Maybe since she’s in a funk, she doesn’t feel like much of a friend right now anyway. Is she a BM? That might be a different story. Otherwise she probably feels you’re in good hands with your Bridal Party and family. (And thus doesn’t realize this is a big deal for you.)
I agree about just expressing how much this means to you. But I would try not to write off the friendship if she doesn’t go. While nine months seems like a lot. I could see the whole year being like that. Maybe it’s just me.
Post # 16
I agree with everyone else that she should be a good friend to you and go to your wedding, but I’m going to throw in a “but” though….But, what if she really is having a hard time and cannot emotionally deal with being at a wedding? And I mean, what if she really does truly flip out and ends up a crying, anxious, depressed mess at your wedding? People’s emotions are a very tough and personal thing. I struggled for years and years with severe anxiety/depression and no one ever knew the severeity of my problems, not even my own parents. I did a dang good job of keeping up a strong front and not letting people really know what was going on in my head. I can see now how dangerous that was. If you feel like you are hanging on by a thread, you never know what event it may be to finally cut that last thread and push you over the edge.
I only say this because having a Fiance call off the wedding would be emotionally traumatic to anyone of us. And if this was the man you loved and 100% believed you would be with for the rest of our lives, do you really think you would get over it that quick (as in the 9 months between the time she informed you she wouldn’t be going to the wedding and when the actual wedding is). I know I wouldn’t have been over my Fiance that soon. If I thought I could have written him off that quick after a breakup, I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. My love for him runs deeper than that. Granted, I probably would have gotten myself out of the post breakup haze and would have been able to attend a wedding. But I am just like that. I don’t like people knowing I’m suffering so I’m not going to give them a reason to think that I am.
I think right now your friend is speaking through pain. By the time the wedding rolls around, she will have hopefully moved onto to the point where she can atleast be social and interact and attend weddings and not lose it…but right now she just hurts and is clearly having some rebound dating issues. There is still a couple more months to go til your wedding. I’d just keep my fingers crossed that she does come around and honor your friendship by going to your wedding. If she doesn’t unfortuantely, like the other bees said, that’s her choice. I do hope that she realizes what a good friend she has in you and can pull herself out of her slump and attend your wedding. I would really feel like she would regret it if she doesn’t.