(Closed) Am I wrong for being upset?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m with egb – I think it’s ok for her not to go. You say that her not going will change your relationship, but what about if she goes because she feels pressured by you even though she’s not ready – then it will change your relationship anyway.  My cousin got married shortly after my brother and his wife of a few months decided to split up – he did not go to her wedding. That same cousin did not come to my wedding a year later because she and her husband split up 6 months before my wedding.  She didn’t hold anything against my brother and I didn’t hold anything against her.  She  has seen the family pics and has said that she wishes she were in them and there to share in the day, but she also says that she knows she was just not ready at that point in her life to attend a wedding. 

Put yourself in her shoes.  The love of your life has called off your wedding.  You are completely devastated.  You are not coping well and your supposedly good friend is mad because she feels you should just be over it and ready to attend her wedding and share in the love of the day.  Sorry, but if she’s not ready- she’s not ready and you should not make her feel worse by pressuring her into going.  Why? So she can be miserable and sad all day, but you get to see her sitting there with a fake smile on her face and tears in her eyes?

PS – a good friend of mine from college had said she would not be attending my wedding because she and her Fiance had broken up a few months prior and she was not ready.  I was of course dissapointed, but I supported and respected her decision.  Fast forward to the wedding day with her shaking her groove thing out on the dance floor.  She had changed her mind a few weeks before the wedding.  You never know what will happen.  You want your friend’s support, but keep in mind – she needs yours too

Post # 18
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think your friend is being selfish at at. How can anyone determine how much time it takes someone else to heal? If she says she’s not sure she’s ready…she’s not sure. If she has been a great friend in the past, why would her not attending your wedding jeapordize that…especially given her circumstances? She is being your friend by making it known that she may not feel up to attending….you be her friend by being understanding of that and not pushing. She suffered a HUGE loss and nobody can really put a time limit on her recovery.

Post # 20
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i don’t think your wrong for feeling upset, but i don’t think your friend is wrong for not wanting to attend the wedding either.

i think this is just one of those sticky situations where no answer is the right answer and two people are affected by an event.

she’s still hurting and healing and i can totally empathize why she wouldn’t want to be at a wedding… ANY wedding.

but i can also see why you’re upset, bcuz she is a close friend and you want her to be there on your special day.

i’m not really sure what the resolve is, but to respect her wishes and to not let it affect your friendship. i know your joy of having her their wont be fulfilled, but i dont think you should let that one situation cloud the rest of your friends who will be there!

*HUGGS* for all your friend/bm drama these days jenn!

Post # 22
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Same thing unfortunately happened to a close friend of mine – I was actually a bridesmaid in her wedding until her ex-FI called off the wedding 3 weeks before the event (!)  She was understandably heartbroken, but she sacked up and was a bridesmaid in another wedding 8 months later, then attended another close friend’s wedding one month after that.  My point is, yes it’s awful for her, but it’s not like a trauma on the scale of a death preventing her from coming to her close friend’s wedding.

Post # 23
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

One of my good friends got married 2 weeks after my first serious relationship ended, I told her I couldn’t come, she understood but was hurt.  I ended pushing myself to go, and I am so glad I did. I was so happy for her, and even though it made me sad that my ex wasn’t with me, I had friends there to cheer me up and I had an awesome time.  She should come, i really think in the long run she would regret it. 

Post # 24
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think you’re exactly right: she’s masking everything until she can’t anymore. I can relate because I’m a little bit like that myself. Somehow she is probably very ashamed about the whole situation and doesn’t even know where to start to address it with you. Especially you, since you are in the wedding process yourself and hers was cancelled.

I would address it with her, saying: hey, xx told be you would find it hard to come to the wedding because of the situation.. You know, I understand. I have to say, you seem to be doing so well, I had no idea you were having such a hard time coping. How are you doing?

Open the door… Maybe she won’t feel comfortable talking, but at least she’ll know you’re there for her when she is ready to talk…

Post # 25
27 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

Everyone has a friend or a friend of a friend who went through the same thing.

I am going through it now.

My fiance called off our wedding one sunny Sunday morning three/four weeks ago.  He moved out the same day, and all his furniture was gone within a week.  We were together for six years, and we were going to get married in three months.

Let me tell you that it is absolutely like coping with a death.  The love of your life, the man you thought with absolute certainty that you were going to spend forever and ever with, the man who you thought you would have children with and grow old with, left you, pretty much at the altar.  He did not want to marry you.  Can you understand how very, very deep that hurt runs?  Not only that, it is also the death of your dreams for the future, the family you fantisized about, the dreams that you may have, in my case at least, been dreaming for the past six years.  It is a terrible, terrible grief.  It’s not that easy to “get over”.

I can understand your friend’s reluctance in attending your wedding.  She may be fine on the surface, but trust me, there are a lot of very deep issues that she is trying to get through in her own way.  Please don’t condemn her for not opening herself up completely to you; she may be just trying to keep herself together as best as she can.  Yes, it has been some time since it happened, but please cut her some slack.  Don’t judge how she should heal or how long it takes.  Let her go at her own pace. 

Please understand that it’s not about you.  She IS happy for you; even if I don’t know her or you, I can guarantee you that.  This is just about her not being able to keep herself together when she experiences being at a wedding.  Shoulda-beens and coulda-beens are awful things.

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