(Closed) Am I wrong for feeling this way?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

violetcupcake:  Just because a person takes great pains to say they’re not jealous doesn’t mean they’re not jealous, it may mean they’re aware- to an extent- of how selfish they’re sounding & post this as a disclaimer. It’s kinda like someone posting “I’m not racist” or “I’m not homophobic” then proceeding to say something so incredibly messed up and offensive that it completely negates any disclaimer.

However I’m going to try to be constructive in my comments in hopes that OP will actually pause to consider all of this. OP there are 2 things you need to do here:

1. Empathy. Please take 5 or 10 minutes to go offline and think about SO’s cousin’s fiance. Not just in passing as in ‘oh that’s awful, poor girl’ sympathy, but actually take the time to truly empathize with her. Put yourself in her position. Imagine how terrifying it must be for her, knowing her heart could literally give out at any moment, knowing she faces major surgery so serious that even if she lives long enough to have the surgery she could die on the operating table. imagine seeing your fiance look at you like his own heart is being ripped from his chest, imagine looking into your parents eyes and seeing grief, fear, and desperate hope. imagine being treated with endless gentle kindnesses and knowing that, although it is done out of love and well intended, they are constant reminders that you’re dying. Imagine thinking of the rest of your life in terms of hours, weeks and days rather than years and decades, imagine all the things you’ll never get to do, never get to see. Imagine knowing that a future with the man you love will likely only be brief….that there will be no anniversaries, no babies, no vacations together to places you’d wanted to travel, no more dreams and goals for a career. Imagine having your engagement as a bittersweet moment that left you and your new fiance in tears because you don’t even know if you’ll live long enough to be wed. Use your empathy to gain compassion and perspective in all of this.

2. Separate your own situation from hers. Because of the tragedy of her situation, anything you post about your own situation is going to come off as appallingly callous and trivial by comparison. Take the ring utterly out of the equation. Getting married should be about the man not the ring under any circumstance, but in this case it completely sidelines any other issue you might want advice on. So yes, before all of this happened, you had hoped the ring would be yours one day and it may be both lovely and sentimental in value, so give yourself a moment’s private sadness over it and then you really do need to suck it up and get over it, for good. This is one of those few minority times I don’t advise honesty between a couple. Don’t mention this to your SO or anyone else in your families as it’s likely to come off as appallingly shallow as it has in this thread, no matter how many Of course his cousin’s Fiance should have it disclaimers you add to it. 

Now, just focusing solely on you and your boyfriend, I think a big part of how badly you’re feeling is because you feel undervalued and embarrassed. Undervalued because in your culture engagements tend to come much sooner and your boyfriend isn’t acting so crazy in love with you that he can’t wait to put a ring on your finger, so perhaps you’re feeling insecure or worried as to why he hasn’t followed your cultural norm and proposed by now. And because of all of this, you’re also embarrassed because you know or at least wonder if others are thinking the same things you are Why hasn’t he proposed by now? Surely if he was crazy about her he would hve proposed by now. So what you need to focus on is knowing where the other person stands in your relationship. Even if he’s from the same culture as you this doesn’t guarantee he sees things in the same light as you, especially if he is more modern and independent in his thinking and views certain cultural norms as outdated. He may see education, both yours and his, as of prime importance right now (IMO this makes him more of a keeper than a guy who buys into antiquated patriarchal notions of women and marriage), he may feel your ages are too young still, despite the cultural norms- especially if these cultural norms don’t match the societal norms in which you’re living. The obvious way to find out how he feels about all of this is to have a talk with him about your futures, see if you guys are on the same page or can at least compromise. And you need to ask yourself if you’re anxious to get engaged because you are ready for marriage or if this is about ‘saving face’ because you feel embarrassed at not having achieved this milestone at the expected pace of your cultural norm.

Post # 47
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

Since my husband has Congenital heart disease and will have to have another open heart surgery in the next 5 years or so , and a really close friend of his is waiting for her heart transplant right now I just have to say you sound incredibly selfish . What this women and her family are going through right now and you are worried about a ring? ?

Also February is heart month so great timing for this post .

 

Post # 48
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

 I just read a story about 2 girls who’s hearts don’t work properly. One gets an insignificant token (in the grand scheme of things) to make her short time more joyous. And the other begrudges her that from some possessive delusion.

Don’t you doubt for a second she would trade positions in a heartbeat?

She’d still end up with a dodgy heart though.

Sorry to be harsh. This was one of the saddest insights into narcissistic selfishness and lack of empathy I’ve ever read on the bee. 

Post # 49
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

[content moderated for name calling, personal attack]

Post # 50
Bee
11811 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I see a lot of name calling on this thread. I’m going to close it so the mods can review tomorrow. 

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