(Closed) Am I wrong for feeling this way….Bridesmaids/MOH issues…(kinda long)

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, that definitely is some shit!!!!  Maid/Matron of Honor wants to leave early? She must not know that her MAIN duty is not planning a shower, or planning a bachelorette party, or keeping the other BMs in line … her main duty is helping the bride use the bathroom on her wedding day! I told mine that if that is the only thing she does for the entire wedding, I’d consider her a hero.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through all this, but I think your Fiance is right — your wedding is all about YOU YOU YOU, so do your best to let these girls’ rotten behavior roll off your back. Just set your expectations as low as possible — hope they show up, wear the right dress, pose for a few pictures, and keep quiet during the ceremony — and then you can’t be disappointed. Everyone else that you love will be there, and you get to tie the knot with the guy you love the most 🙂  Who needs some bitchy bridesmaids to ruin that??!?

Post # 4
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly about your girls.  I have to admit I was pretty disappointed by the amount of time and support my BMs gave me through the planning process.  I’m three weeks away from the wedding now and I have pretty much just learned to deal with my disappointment.  That said, I think brides get pretty emotional during the planning process and there’s some merit in what your Fiance said about this being your day and to try and move past it. Because, ultimately, there is no one that is going to care about your day more then you and your Fiance.  And you can’t force them to be more involved.  

For what it’s worth…I might also try to tell your Maid/Matron of Honor about the way you’re feeling.  Maybe she doesn’t realize how much her actions are hurting you.  It’s worth a shot…

Good luck!!

Post # 6
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t mean this to sound harsh but when I read a post with one Bridesmaid or Best Man acting out I try to give the bride the benefit of the doubt but when someone posts that all their BM’s are “acting out” it kind of makes me think that the bride is at fault. It might be worth evaluating your behaviour of late. Have all you talked to them about is the wedding? Have you taken an interest in their lives?  You also don’t seem to be very understanding of their individual situations especially the Bridesmaid or Best Man that is telling you that she is having financial issues with your wedding (and read that as not wanting to drop a lot of money on your wedding which is fair enough).

Your wedding isn’t the centre of their universe and weddings are not tit for tat. It is really great that you did all those things for your friends weddings (you are a really nice friend) but that was your choice and friendship shouldn’t be about keeping score. They are making the choice not to spend a lot of money or be heavily involved. It sucks and you can feel disappointed but they really aren’t required to do anything for your wedding except buy a dress and show up. it is great if they offer to do more (like you did) but it is not for everyone.

Are these the types of girls who would normally drop everything to help out? And I think it is wrong to interpret lack of helping and planning non nescessary parties as no longer being a good friend. A lack of interest in your wedding doesn’t mean they are not your friend or aren’t supporting your mariage.

Post # 7
31 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

I totally hear where j_jaye is coming from but at the same pace, its your wedding day! You dont have to right to be a brat but you definitely have the right to feel that things should go a certain way. If they are indeed feeling like you are hard to deal with or that your wedding is too expensive, the only way to find out is to have a heart to heart talk with them about it. At the end of the day, their your best friends. You chose them to share this day with! Talk to them and ask them, “is there something that I am doing personally?” “Are things stressful for you?” “How can I be a good FRIEND in this situation”. Talk it out! This will eleviate a little bit of stress and save your friendship at the same time.

You’re stressed enough about your wedding, you dont need more!

Good Luck Darling!

Post # 9
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@VioletJ:  As you said all readers have to go on are what you posted. And in my honest opinion what you posted made you sound whiney and not a very good/understanding friend.

What your Bridesmaid or Best Man chooses to spend her money on is none of your concern- she has obviously set aside a budget for your wedding and feels like you are asking her to go over that budget. If she chooses to budget $100 for your wedding and $1000 for a new dog well that is entirely her perogative. It is her hard earnt cash.

You say you have given her many bits of advice on how to save- but I think you are missing the point that she is telling you she doesn’t want to spend that amount of money on your wedding and she probably thinks you are being rude to give her helpful saving tips so she can put extra money aside for YOUR wedding.

If she is acting out of character why wouldn’t you talk to your firend and express concern over her dramatic change in behaviour? I know that is what I would do if my friend was acting like a completely different person! Is she really acting out of character (as in within her whole personality) or is it just related to your wedding?

As far as b8tching about your other BM’s- is she trying to let you know that it is too much for her- that she feels like you are letting the others off easily (like you FSIL’s and Bridesmaid or Best Man with a new baby) and putting all the pressure on her to deliver? That can be a lot for one person to handle especially when she is already saying that she doesn’t have the budget for things. Also maybe you are complaining about the other BM’s and their lack of support and you don’t realise. People do that all the time and brides often don’t realise how many times they mention/complain about aspects of their wedding.

Honestly forget about your wedding and work on your relationships with your friends. It doesn’t matter who did what, friendships should be more than that. A wedding is a one day party and friendships should be for life.

Post # 11
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@VioletJ:  I am sorry you feel that I am attacking you but as I said we can only go on what you posted. I don’t go on public forums and bad mouth my so called friends so please tell me how I would be a bad friend compared to you? In my opinion expecting someone else to pay for things for your wedding is irresponsible (such as making BM’s pay for dresses) so maybe your friend feels the same way.

As I said she is probably trying to tell you that she doesn’t want to drop that kind of money on your wedding and to her a dog is more important than your wedding. I know you might find it hard to believe that others may think your wedding is less important than anything else.

And you wrote “I have offerd many options for her to save money. ” which to me read as giving her advice on how to save money. If it was about giving her free stuff then maybe you could be more concise in your posts.

Why would having a baby make someone less worthy of being a MOH? maybe this is your biggest problem that instead of picking the person who is closest to you you choose the person you thought would have the most free time to help you out?

Post # 12
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you are taking j_jaye’s word as personal attacks, OP, when she is trying to help out.

The original post really did come off as a bride complaining about all the bridesmaids, which led me to believe that perhaps you had unreasonable expectations.  Keep in mind that showers, bachelorettes, and helping with DIYs are all gifts to you, not necessities (just throwing it out there). 

You should never have told your Maid/Matron of Honor she didn’t have to be in your wedding – that is incredibly hurtful to hear and  honestly I don’t blame her for making your wedding less of a priority after you said that to her.

You were the one who said you gave her “tips” to save money for your wedding, but if you’re giving her a free place to stay, what exactly does she need to save for?

Also, the Bridesmaid or Best Man with the new baby could have been Maid/Matron of Honor.  That ship has sailed, but since all the Maid/Matron of Honor has to do is show up in the dress clean and sober the day of, plus hold some flowers and sign a marriage certificate, I’m not sure how having a baby would keep her from being able to do those things.

Post # 14
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s not your fault and I don’t think you sound whiny at all. You were simply venting and hoping for some nonjudgemental support.( Not sure that’s what you got) I am sure that all brides feel some let down when it comes to their wedding. I would be careful addressing your feelings to them as people can easily feel defensive and then you could easily have a mess on your hands. All you can do is let her know you hope she will stay for the whole wedding and then drop it, it won’t do any good to let it become more than that. I hope as your wedding gets closer they step up for you.

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