(Closed) Am I wrong in wanting to be involved more?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

“Me me me me ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!”

Post # 3
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Wait, you are the same mother who her son and future daughter in law canceled their original wedding because you interfered too much. Take the hint. 

Same advice as before. Ask her to lunch and try to rebuild a relationship if you want one. 

Post # 4
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You’re going to get the same advice this time, I’m afraid.  You’re not an awful person for wanting to know this things you want to know, but she also is under no obligation to invite you dress shopping, to wedding expos, to do girly things with you.  As theatrejulia so rightly said, invite her out for lunch and try to rebuild the relationship.  Don’t make demands, don’t talk to her about how hurt you feel, don’t offer any opinions or advice about the wedding unless she asks you.  If you say “how is the planning going” and she says “fine, thanks” and changes the subject, leave it alone.  Ask her if there is any colour she would particularly like or not like you to wear for the wedding – this might help to build a bridge.

Also, I don’t think it’s rude for us to ask if you’re paying for anything – to be honest, if you’re not paying, you don’t get an opinion.  Are you hosting the rehearsal dinner? (traditional for the groom’s family to do so)

 

Post # 5
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

None of the things you want are your choice! How many times do you have to be told that? Your son and FDIL postphoned their wedding for 3 YEARS cause you were such a pain in the ass. 

She isnt going to tell you anything! That is the consequences of YOUR actions. For the love of all that is holy, leave the girl alone!!! 

Post # 6
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

Yes you are!

Its obvious from you posts that you are overbearing – god knows what you are like IRL.

Just because you have created a second post doesn’t mean the advice you get will be any different!

Please listen and take a step back – you really don’t want them to cut you out of their wedding altogether!

Post # 7
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Yes you are wrong, sorry.

Post # 9
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee

Dress shopping – extremely personal, some people just like going shopping with their mom or a few close people to them.  If she’s not close to you, you’re not getting an invite.  

Bridal shower (family) – yes you should be invited.

Having input on details of the wedding, like songs, colors, etc. – She’s an adult, and it would just be time-consuming to go over this with people who she does NOT need advice from. 

Going to the bachelorette party – are you drunk?  You are not her peer.

Post # 10
Member
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m not even doing some of those things with MY mom. I have a fantastic relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law (she’s really awesome and I really lucked out!) but I’m not sharing every detail of my wedding planning with her. It sounds like you have a strained relationship with your FDIL so you are out of luck. Planning a wedding doesn’t magically fix your relationship with your FDIL, you want a better relationship with her and to be included? You need to actually do the work to deserve that relationship.

Post # 11
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

There’s no way someone can be THIS out of tune with reality, right? 

On the off chance that you really are the overbearing MOG from hell and are continuing to proclaim your entitlement:

Post # 12
Member
615 posts
Busy bee

Not sure what you posted before but I’m assuming that there is a back story here as to why your daughter in law doesn’t want to include you in all of these things. First I want to say I have a great relationship with my Fi mom and step mom and the way our relationship is I look at t them as mother and if they lived near us would be going with me to look at wedding dresses etc. with that said if they were over bearing and controlling and tried to control me and Fiance life we would have huge problem. I. Assuming that something happened between you and your daughter in law to make it where she doesn’t want to include you. My advice talk to her try and work out your differences and try to bend a relationship because she will be in your life forever at this point and if you want a relationship with your son and future grand babies if they choose to have them you have to make this right. I understand you are his mom you love him want the best for him and he will always be your baby. But he is grown man and can make his own decisions and whatever they are you have To respect and you have to respect his choice in a future wife. Now like I said I dont know the back story here so this is the advice I’m giving with reading what I read in your OP and the comments.

Post # 13
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Oh and please don’t go to your son’s bachelor party.

Post # 14
Member
3647 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You don’t get a say in their lives. They are adults. They can exclude you if they want. And stop ruining your relationship with your FDIL by demanding she have the kind of relationship you want. She doesn’t want you involved so take the hint.

Post # 15
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

It’s not rude asking whether you’re contributing financially in this context. That question is asked because if you’re not paying for anything, then you don’t get to have a say.

You’re not a terrible person for wanting to know these things, but you can’t force her to invite you to everything. What’s your relationship like with your FDIL? And what’s the story with them cancelling their wedding?

A pp gave really good advice about trying to build a relationship, going out to lunch. I think this would be a great start.

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