(Closed) Am I wrong in wanting to be involved more?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1520 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
ediekn84:  You cannot expect different responses when you get what you don’t like to hear. People are here to give advice, not pander to whatever decision and thought you have made for yourself already. It’s very childish.

As for your situation, I think you need to back off. Doing things like going dress shopping is very personal to a girl and usually only take her closest with her. If you want that kind of close relationship with her then go to lunch and do things to build it but do it because you want it and not just because you want to be more involved in a wedding. The only reason I am even considering maybe doing some of it with my fiances mum is because we have a good relationship and really get along. I would be horrified if I had a mum in law sudden start demanding quite higher involvement and we aren’t even close, a lot of brides don’t even let a lot of they’re closest have that much involvement. 

And it’s not rude to ask whether your paying for the wedding, it was just a general question. Typically you have to be helping pay for the wedding to have such a heavy input to it. You can’t be telling them what to do on stuff if your not even helping. If you just generally want to know things like the colour schemes then just ask, I’m sure the bride wouldn’t mind having a ladies chatter about such things. 

Post # 17
Member
21 posts
Newbee

 Wow! This is very eye-opening.

There’s nothing wrong with your wanting to be included. Most people hope to be included in their loved ones’ important events. However, your sense of entitlement is astronomical. You should take a huge step back before you do more, possibly irreversible, damage. Hopefully your FDIL and son are forgiving people.

You don’t get to do anything with this wedding unless you are asked or are paying. Yes, money can be used to control a situation. Yes, you had a son and that entitles you to… be his mother. That is literally all. You’re not being punished because you had a son and not a daughter and to beleive otherwise is childish. Life isn’t fair. That’s not how any of this works.

The only kernel of your post worth seeding is your enthusiasm over being part of these special events. From a future bride’s perspective, I hope my Future Mother-In-Law (and/or any interested future ILs) joins my mom, grandmother, and interested aunts and cousins in these special activities because we are going to be a family AND she is a lovely human being. However, I do not feel entitled to her time, love, or enthusiasm simply because I will marry her son. I hope that these special events are part of a long relationship built on respect, kindness, and caring, not on demands and expectations.

Maybe it would be good to take a breath, realize that a weddding is just a wedding, and reconnect with your son. Try to ease his way and be there for him and you FDIL. Don’t make their wedding or marriage about you.

Post # 18
Member
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I love my Future Mother-In-Law I have an amazing relationship with her, really I do. She’s an amazing woman and she brought my partner up to be the amazing man that I know. That said there’s a few things I didn’t involve her in. She didn’t come dress shopping, she lives in another country and even if she didn’t that was time for just me and my mum. Neither mothers have been involved in making decisions but we have told them when we (partner and I) have made decisions. Some people don’t want to share the details of their wedding day as they want everything to be a surprise. I’m really not bothered and so there’s pretty much nothing that’s a surprise about our wedding. If they don’t want to tell you, they don’t have to.

I think as others have said you need to repair your relationship with your FDIL and then see what happens. Ask her if she doesn’t mind sending pictures of bridesmaid dresses or her dress (or more likely her unsuccessful dresses). If she does mind, don’t push it, just drop it. If you push too hard they will permantently exclude you from their life.

Post # 19
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry that you don’t have any daughters, but that’s just the way life is. I certainly didn’t want to do any of those things with my Mother-In-Law. She’s not my mother. Forcing that relationship would just drive me further away. 

ETA: just reading your previous post and YIKES! It sounds like they don’t want you taking over so they’re keeping you at a polite distance. I didn’t do half those things with my own mother. It’s their wedding, let them plan things how they want and invite you when they think it’s appropriate. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by pink.lemonade.
Post # 20
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee

Dude. It’s not your son’s wedding. It’s their wedding. If you were easier to deal with I’m sure your daughter in law would include you more, but you admitted in their last post that you’re overbearing and rude. You need to back down, this isn’t about you… At all. She doesn’t owe you anything. Your boy is a man now, and you need to respect that. 

First port of call is to get in touch directly with daughter in law and apologise. Go to lunch with her and establish some boundaries. Tell her you want to be involved, but you have to promise to keep your comments to yourself. Don’t force yourself on her or she’ll pull away more. And stop with the “he’s MY son, I birthed him” deal – trust me, she’s well aware. 

Also, building a relationship with her is super important because as they become a family you don’t want to lose your son if he’s had enough of you making his wife feel uncomfortable. Good luck! 

Post # 21
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think you’ve completely missed the point. It’s THEIR wedding day, not yours, and not his. 

Once you get that, the rest should come to you naturally. 

Unless you want to drive your son away, I would take a step back before you get yourself completely uninvited from everything else! 

Post # 22
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

I love my Future Mother-In-Law but I have not asked for her opinion, or even my mum’s, when planning our wedding. We are making the day we want, not other people. Of course I show them things we have done, but that’s as far as it goes.

She did come with my mum and I dress shopping however but that’s because there was no sense of entitlement and I knew she would be there to support me in my decisions, not try to push her opinions on to me.

Post # 23
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry, but I have to say I’m glad you are not my mother-in-law.   It is not your day at all.  It is your son’s and FDIL’s day ONLY.  They matter and if you do not have a good relationship with your FDIL than you should just be happy IF you get invited to the wedding.  Personally, if I cancelled my first planned wedding bc of you than I’d leave you out the second time around.

Post # 24
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ediekn84:  “And now I feel as though I’m being punished that I gave birth to a boy and not a girl” – Punished by whom??

I’m sorry you aren’t involved in your son’s wedding in the way you would like, but it’s important to keep perspective!

It’s a shame you didn’t have a girl, because you want to do those girly things with the bride, it isn’t punishment!

Post # 25
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Also, you did those things because you chose to be a parent.  You do not get an “reward” other than the love of your children and seening them succeed in life.  He is an entire separate person from you.  You seem to think you are entitled to live through him.  If you want to plan a wedding than perhaps you should have one of your own.  This is there time.  If you are really having trouble seeing that than you probably need therapy.

There’s a bee on here dealing with a Future Mother-In-Law who does not understand boundaries.  I would suggest reading her thread.  I think it is titled “FMIL makes me ill”.  I am not trying to be rude, but I just want you to understand what is appropriate and what is not so you can have a great relationship with them and any grandchildren you may have from them.

Post # 26
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

Can you girls please post the link to the first topic?I can’t find it and I don’t have the back story on this one..

Post # 27
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
ediekn84:  Your son and future daughter in law must love each other so much if they’re giving the wedding another shot after whatever actions on your part halted the first one. You HAVE to learn from all of this. For their sake and yours.

Baby animals are nurtured and sheltered and then the mum HAS to let them fly the nest and live their own lives otherwise they don’t survive. 

From this post and the previous one, you only speak of your own needs. What about them? What about their marriage and happiness?

Do the right thing now, keep healthy boundaries, respect them as adults and you’ll be able to enjoy a relationship with them and any future grand children.

You are burning bridges over things that are not owed to you.

Post # 28
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

There’s so much going on here. You really seem to be making this all about yourself. Yes, he is your son, but this is a celebration of THEIR future marriage. Let them start off on the right foot together. I agree with what pps have said. I’m just left wondering, do you REALLY think it’s appropriate for you to go to her bachelorette party? This is traditionally for the bride to celebrate with her friends, i.e. her mom would not be invited. Do you consider yourself her “friend?”

Maybe this is the problem. If you think of her as a friend, then I can see why you would want to go dress shopping, go to expos. You’re not her friend, though. You’re her future mother-in-law. You need to learn what constitutes an age- and situation-appropriate relationship. I’m guessing this is true with your son, as well. Why do you NEED to know what songs they’re choosing – can’t you just enjoy them at the wedding itself? I’m sure your future daughter-in-law is worried that in including you to that unusual extent, it may set a precedent for their future marriage. She is likely trying to establish boundaries, because you clearly have no appreciation for them.

I believe you may have ruined your chances of her wanting to include you by being so overbearing. I say this with kindness: Please find a hobby, busy yourelf with friends of your own age. Maybe she’ll be more inclined to include you when she’s not so terrified by your aggressive need to squeeze your way in.

Post # 29
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

What have you done since your last post to try to help repair the damage done with your FDIL? Have you apologized? Have you done anything at all to show her you don’t intend to try to take over their lives? If not then you’ve got to lay in the bed you made. You made her feel awful the first time around so give her 1 good reason why she should trust you again… you can’t even apologize and acknowledge what you did wrong so until you start there, I don’t know that you guys can move forward from this.

Post # 30
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

Are you planning on holding fdils legs too when they eventually have children? Just going to clue you in. You will probably be cut off from them before then and will never know your grandchildren

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