(Closed) Am I wrong in wanting to be involved more?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

MOG TWICE weighing in.

PLEASE OP, get a grip and get to work reframing your position. Whether you are paying everything for the weddding or NOTHING, you have none of the “rights” you are trying to give yourself.

I had the most oppressive Mother-In-Law I ever knew, and even SHE had some attributes that contrast favorably to yours.

If I were you, I’d APOLOGIZE to your son and ask him to apologize, for you to this poor bride.

Presumably, your son is an adult. If you are VERY LUCKY, he has reached adulthood as a sensible, focused, hardworking young man. Frankly, if he hasn’t achieved a degree of independence and autonomy, it is most likely because of your micromanaging.

If he IS an adult, he has hopefully selected as a lifemate a young woman who loves him and fulfills his OWN search as a complement.

SHE is marrying HIM. SHE makes the choices. SHE invites you to participate as SHE wishes.

 Often I am sympathetic when a MOG is treated badly or ignored in the process of weddiNg planning, because family ties really are so mportant to a happy marriage, if it is possible to establish them in a relaxed and joyful matching of the two families involved.

You are ASKING to be excluded from the marriage of thae two young people. If you WANT to be excluded ENTIRELY, continue as you are.

If you wish to earn their friendhip as A NEW FAMILY OF TWO, back off, learn how and what to love in your DIL2B, offer, DO NOT IMPOSE, your help to her in any small thing you can do, and DEVELOP a life of YOUR OWN.

Post # 47
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

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desss:  how did you find that post? It doesn’t show up when I go to OP’s profile. That’s the only way I know how to search past threads.

Post # 48
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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desss:  I’m inclined to agree, however, there are plenty of people out there who are actually like this, my Mother-In-Law included. She’s a narc and basically thinks that because she gave birth to my OH, she is entitled to various things. As soon as we got engaged she started trying to wreck the relationship. 

So yeah, while I think this post is probably not genuine (as like PP said, OP hasn’t responded, likewise on the previous thread) there are definitely people out there who think like this. 

Post # 49
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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BeachBee1988:  yup. We cut contact with Mother-In-Law a year ago, six months after we married (would have done it sooner but it was easier to invite her in the end as we had some level of control over her actions), basically because she’s a narcissist and thinks and behaves exactly like OP. 

With people like this, it tends to be a case of when you cut contact as opposed to ‘if’. 

Post # 50
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

You aren’t wrong for wanting to be involved, but I think you are going about it wrong for HOW you are trying to get involved. Sounds like you are being too forceful about it. I think you probably need to apologize for your past behavior, and express that you would like to help wherever possible, but also understand that it is their choice if they want to involve you or not. And be helpful, don’t just try to force your opinions on them. 

Post # 52
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I hope you learn about boundaries now and go to some therapy. Otherwise, if they have children they will probably (rightfully) limit your access to them.

You don’t “deserve” anything simply because you CHOSE to have a child. They are adults and make their own decisions, and on top of that you are not even paying for anything! Incredible. 

Post # 53
Member
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

DH’s mother is this kind of special. We now only see her at weddings and funerals. And we don’t speak. 

Why? A number of reasons, least of which she insisted on staying in the newlywed suite for our wedding weekend. 

OP, you’re lucky to be invited to the wedding.

Post # 54
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You’re not wrong for DESIRING to be involved. You’re wrong for being invasive, intrusive, disrespectful, overbearing, narcissistic and controlling. 

And actually, yes, you had a boy. Your ‘darling son’ right? So you get none of the girl things. 

I agree with PPs who have suggested you start mending fences before the wedding and before they have children. When you damage a relationship so seriously it is only natural and normal when the other party wants nothing to do with you or your input. You’re alienating your son’s future wife and your future grandchildren if they decide to have some.

btw kudos to your son for having the sanity to keep you at a distance from him and his bride.

My suggestion? Individual counseling for you. Maybe a therapist can help you explore your feelings of grief and unfairness. I’m gonna leave it at that.

Post # 55
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

What was that J.Lo movie called…with Jane Fonda? It was fantastic…

Oh yeah -> Monster in Law.

 

Post # 57
Member
3106 posts
Sugar bee

And this is why brides all over the world pray for orphan FIs…

Post # 59
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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ediekn84:  So be there but be realistic. 

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