(Closed) Am I wrong in wanting to be involved more?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

WTF, do you want to be invited to their wedding night festivities too? 

Back off. Seriously. If you do, you may find that they are more inclined to include you. I invited my Mother-In-Law to the tastings and to meet the photographer. I also went with her to look for her dress. You are the MOG, not the bride or her mother. Let them have their time. You wouldn’t like it if the MOB cut in on the mother/son dance, would you? Then back off, you’ll have your moments. Jesus.

 

Post # 62
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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ediekn84:  but if you really love your son, don’t you want to see him happy? How is making his wedding miserable making him happy?how is driving away his future wife making him happy? 

Post # 63
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

Ok OP. So what can you do to fix it? I realise you have pride at stake here, but you need to stop thinking that your FDIL should be the one to fix things by inviting you to stuff that is traditionally reserved for the brides mother. 

So perhaps you can create your own “things”. Invite her to lunch and a manicure. Treat her and the bridesmaids to a makeup party at your house. Book a spa afternoon for her and the mums. 

In other words, things that are separate from the usual wedding things, but still girly. 

Post # 64
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Country Cottage and Gardens

I’m confused. If you want an exact answer then why are you posting on a message board? It sounds like you just want gratification. Which isn’t what we’re here for. Go look in the mirror and talk to yourself if that what you want (?)

Post # 65
Member
3649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

View original reply
ediekn84:  You say you want to be there with him and for him, but everything you’ve talked about is stuff you are trying to force on HER. Maybe the solution IS to try doing things with your son instead if you want to feel involved. Go look at suits, check out a grooms cake, ask (not demand…ask) if he needs help with groomsmen gifts. But leave HER alone. If she decides she wants to involve you, she will, but you do not get to force your way into their wedding. Accept your role as spectator.

Post # 66
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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ediekn84:  how is attending the Bachelorette party and inserting yourself into all of these items involving your DIL “being there” for your son? 

Loving someone means putting him ahead of yourself. Doing what’s best for HIM. What you’ve described is a 100% about YOU. “BE” there for him on HIS terms….not according to what makes you feel good. Have you even asked him what HE would like your involvement to be and what you can do for HIM and how you can best be there for him in his mind? What HE needs and wants? 

Post # 67
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

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ediekn84:  you “have not got the answers you hoped for”

 

 Take a giant slice of humble pie and read every single response and change your behavior.

Post # 68
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Gosh I never even considered going to either one of my daughter’s bachelorette parties! We paid a great portion of our daughter’s weddings but they ran the event. I only spoke up to sometimes suggest an etiquette question, but wanted them to have their day. It wasn’t about me! Please apologize for your behavior and stand back. Learning to bite your tongue is something you should work on. Put them first, not yourself. As for dress shopping both girls wanted to just go with me and then when they went to buy the dress they invited the future MIL’s.

Post # 69
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

:deep, heavy sigh inserted here:

Post # 70
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

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ediekn84:  You want to go to your FDIL’s bachelorette party?! Lord help the poor girl.

No one on here is going to say what you want to hear. Isn’t there an OverbearingFMILBee you could post on instead?

Post # 71
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If you want to be part of a wedding plan, why don’t you throw yourself a vow renewal????? I don’t have any other advice to offer because there ad pages of pages of reality you should read and listen to.  You may also want to apologize(sincerely).

 

 

Post # 72
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yikes…..  mothers and their sons.  Sorry mom, but you can’t exspect to be invited to all the events.  Just learn to keep your opinions to yourself.  It sounds that maybe your a little to judgemental.  Don’t forget you had your wedding, this is their day and they should plan what they want.  Don’t you have girlfriends that are going to the wedding?  maybe yoiu can meet up with them to get ready.  You should be somewhere close to your son, so you can have photos with him. things like pinning the flowers on his lapel 

Post # 73
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
ediekn84:  I just got married a few months ago and I have a Mother-In-Law who COULD have been very demanding (I was marrying her only child.) See, as a bride, I was already stressed to the max and if I had a Mother-In-Law that was begging/whining/throwing a fit about wanting to be involved in every detail, that would have sent me over the edge! Completely over the edge and I wouldn’t have wanted her involved in any detail. My Mother-In-Law was super respectful of my boundaries and because of this I invited her to dress shop and help me with things like flowers and venues.

My advice- slow down and back off. You are prob stressing that poor bride out!  Don’t ruin your relationship with them over a wedding. It is their day. 

Ps. By NO means should you feel entitled to attend the bachelorette party. Thats just plain cray cray! 

Post # 74
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Do you ever think about anyone but yourself? 

Its not about what you want. 

Post # 75
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
bluehope:  Did your Mother-In-Law do all these things with you in the run up to your wedding? Not that it’s strictly relevant as even if she did, it’s not the norm and not something you can expect or demand.

 You will always be your son’s mother and nobody can replace you, however you are not his girlfriend or wife. He has chosen a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and an unselfish mother would be horrified of that woman was her!

You gave birth to your son, hopefully by choice. Nobody made you do it and nobody owes you for doing it (barring the usual filial respect). You had the pleasure of those first-thing-in-the morning smiles, hanging out his stocking, sharing his day when he came home from school. He grew up and now you have to step back and move to another more distanced but still potentially loving and close relationship. 

Decisioins will be taken between your son and his wife, they are each other’s primary support. If/when they have children, you will probably be one of 4 grandparents, not another parent. Your son and his wife decide how they raise their own family.

What you want is unnatural, you will not win this battle. You can have a warm and supportive role in your son and DIL’s lives but if you carry on pushing, you will find yourself outside in the cold. If that happens it will be your fault. 

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