(Closed) Am I wrong in wanting to be involved more?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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ediekn84:  just an FYI – there is a very good chance that your FDIL either posts here or at another website. She’s been nothing but polite and evasive, which is generally agreed to be the best drama-free way to Deal with pushy family. 

If you want to be in the loop about something, why don’t you host a wedding shower for the couple? That way you can control all of it (you can even see if your son or FDIL would go shopping with you to pick out a cute outfit to wear to the event), you can plan the menu, activities, the whole shebang.

Post # 77
Member
1520 posts
Bumble bee

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Drizzle:  I’m engaged at the moment but haven’t set a date or anything of the planning yet . But I would be horrified if my Future Mother-In-Law was like this, I feel the things that she suggested is very personal to a bride and I would only want my closest in some of those situations (Like picking a dress). I’m lucky in terms that my Future Mother-In-Law has already said it would be what we want and I have quite a close relationship with her so she may be involved in helping in some way. She isn’t the demanding type and if she wasn’t included in planning she’s the kind that is ok with that and will just help where wanted and needed. Not to this level though! 

I agree with you on your opinions of the OP. Its not right and I hate that there is an air of ‘entitlement’ in her words and expecting. Hopefully she will heed all these messages and understand it is about them and acting in this way will only do damage and cause problems.

Post # 78
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

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ediekn84:  Wow! With the way you’re behaving, I am surprised they haven’t run off and eloped! Keep it up and they might just do that! 

Post # 79
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My brother is getting married soon, so I’m trying to think about my mom being in the position you are in.  And I CAN’T. She knows it’s not about her.  It’s about them and seeing them happy.  She won’t be attending the bachelorette party, or the bachelor party.  We attended the bridal shower together.  She will get ready at home the day of the wedding, with my dad.  She is incredibly happy to see my brother getting married to an amazing woman, but she knows this is their life and they are branching out and forging their own path.  I think you really need to take a step back and work on lettting go.  I know it’s hard, but it’s just part of having your kids grow up and become independent, and that is a good thing!  I hope you find a middle ground and get to be part of their lives, without inserting yourself in a totally inappropriate manner, as you really have been doing up until now.  

Post # 80
Member
7912 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ediekn84:  Just wow. Do you really believe birthing and raising a child entitles you to control that child’s life forever? (It doesn’t.) You say you want to be there for him, yet you list “I want, I want, I want, I want” from her. Without seemingly making any effort whatsoever to build any sort of respectful or positive relationship with her? You don’t seem to want to accept that this wedding isn’t about you. (It’s not. At all. It’s their day, not yours.)

Frankly, I’m surprised you are still invited to the wedding. If you continue in this manner you may find yourself uninvited, and from more than just the wedding.

Post # 81
Member
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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ediekn84:  You have a better chance of being there for him and with him if you remember that this is about him (and his FI) not about you.

It’s hard to hear from Bee after Bee that you are wrong, but please, if you want to maintain any sort of relationship with your son, back off. Do not put your son in the position of having to choose between his Fiance and you.

You will lose.

Post # 82
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

Sometimes it’s difficult to accept that everyone else thinks we’re wrong.   Count this as a learning moment.  Take it to heart – but don’t despair. 

Invite your son and FDIL out to lunch.  Tell them that you’ve done some soul searching and that you’ve come to believe that you were very overbearing, and understand how that may feel to them:  That you’re controlling.  Say that you understand it will mean changing life long habits, but that you’re going to try and get better about not offering unsolicited advice and accepting that their decisions are about them – not you.  Ask them for some grace and another chance.  Then accept with grace the times they tell you that you’re forgetting your boundaries.    They get to make decisions about them.   It will be a process, it won’t happen overnight, but if you undertake it good faith, and accept it when they tell you “thanks but no thanks”  then maybe you can have a better relationship with them so that they’re more comfortable sharing (holidays and grandkids) with you. 

Post # 83
Member
13567 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You may not be an awful person, but to answer your own question, you are behaving like one. Either you are socially tone deaf because you have some kind of issue, or are having some fun with this. I hope it’s the latter. 

Post # 84
Member
819 posts
Busy bee

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ediekn84:  Okay I read the other post. Im going to try to do some reading between the lines and see if I can see what is going on. 

In your original posting, you call him your darling son. Now I can only surmise that he is quite possibly your only child. So maybe you feel a little bit like you are getting lost in all this. Maybe you feel like now that he is grown and getting married to probably a wonderful woman, that no one cares how he got to be the good man he is? Its all about the bride?

Nothing wrong with being all about the bride…but I suspect that during the first wedding planning you were going through a little bit of empty nest plus feeling like no one cared for you to be there. That is probably really hard. I also suspect that when no one included you in anything, probably because a lot of brides, especially younger brides, tend to include their closest friends and sometimes just their mothers, you decided to try to get yourself involved. From your original post it sounds like you did, and maybe you went about it the wrong way. Maybe the best way to have gone about it would have been to approach your son and tell him politely how you were feeling. Let him know that you were feeling a little left out and ask if he could maybe talk to FDIL and see if something could have been arranged to include you. Instead your relationship was damaged and the wedding was postponed.

Now here you are three years later with the same problem. I am going to make a suggestion. I hope you take it. I am sure your soon to be DIL is a bit wary of you because of your past interactions. However you can fix that. Perhaps you could invite her to lunch, and apologize for your previous behavior, then maybe you could suggest hosting a tea or barbecue in their honor before or after the wedding. This would give you a chance to have an event where you are included and the hostess, it would allow your FDIL to see that you are trying, and it will hopefully help you mend your future relationship with them. 

I hope you can listen to your son and FDIL…it is a new life for them. Just because he is marrying and starting a new life doesnt mean you are going to be relegated to a place somewhere in history. I hope you can step back and get a new perspective. One day they will start a family, and you will want to be a part of that. I want you to be a part of that. 

Edit: You didnt say so in your first or second post, but I also suspect you might be a woman who raised your son by yourself. If you did, Kudos for raising a wonderful son who is surely marrying a wonderful woman.

Post # 85
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I didn’t see your original post and I don’t understand if there is a reason for all of the super aggressive answers. As far as THIS post goes, I understand your feelings of being left out of such a wonderful affair, it truly is your son’s big day too, and I would suggest talking to your FDIL about including you more. Tho if she isn’t, it could just be that she is so super busy – it’s easier said than done to remember to include everyone that wants to be. I know I am struggling to keep everyone up to date!

Personally I love my Future Mother-In-Law and I try to include her when I can, though we’re both so busy that it isn’t that easy lately sadly. I usually update her every couple of days though and I love when she can be a part of planning. She couldn’t make it to dress shopping with me for THE dress but I sent her pics all of the time and we all had a ladies’ night out to shop for her dress, as well as her daughter’s and my little sister’s! It was awesome 😊

Sorry if I’m missing part of the story here. You don’t seem to be trying to cramp her style or smother them from what I read here – sounds like you can’t help someone when you aren’t told any details. I would feel the same I think. There’s no reason it has to continue, talk to her and them. Do you have a bad or strained relationship? 

Good luck!

Post # 86
Member
12272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you want to go dress shopping with her, it seems that is usually a nice experience to have with the Mother-In-Law IF she wants to.  As for the rest of other details you mentioned.. I just want to know what’s going on at the wedding, what songs she’s chosen, the color scheme, what the cake will look like.… NO.  If she doesnt want to tell you every little *inconsequential to you* detail, back the eff off and let them be grown ass adults and plan their wedding the way they want.  They dont have to consult, inform, report back to you every little thing.  

Post # 88
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee

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bitsybee:  woah, what? In the wedding suite?

Post # 89
Member
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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SLOBee: yup. In the newlywed suite. DH and I took the room we had booked for his parents so we had no privacy. 

We paid for everything, including lodging. It’s been nine months, but I’m not yet over my resentment and it’s not great for our marriage. 

We’re not going to get our wedding weekend / night back. Perhaps I’m over-correcting, but dh’s mother will need to apologize, make amends and show real personal growth and change to have a chance at being part of my life. I’m also cfbc because I can’t deal with her as my child’s grandmother.

OP better watch herself because she has no right to be in her fdil’s life. 

Post # 90
Member
819 posts
Busy bee

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topeonyornottopeony:  Must have missed that part, it could be her last child though. The baby of the family. She doesnt appear to have any daughters, hence the feeling left out part. Or it could be her very first son to be married and she wants to take part in the experience and just went about it the wrong way.

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