(Closed) Am I Wrong? Relative moving in issue!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I wrong?
    Yes : (21 votes)
    40 %
    No : (31 votes)
    60 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    6394 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Obviously the kids should be allowed in the house, lol, which you agreed with, even though it was a monstruously large decision. But…yeah, he really should have talked with you about letting the godbrother move in with you two. 😛

    Post # 4
    Member
    2030 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    The kids and the “relative” are two different issues. The kids are a reasonable request; the “relative” is not. I would never consider asking another adult to move in with us if my husband wasn’t 100% fine wiht it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I think maybe there should be more communication between you two when it comes to these issues, but I don’t think he is wrong for trying to help his family.  Would you want him to be open to you helping YOUR family out if it was necessary?

    Obviously, with more facts, I may understand your side a bit more, but based on what you told us, I did vote that I thought you were wrong.  But, in my relationship, I’m more the one who is apt to do things like this, and my Fiance would be irritated with me.  So maybe thats why I think that way!

    Post # 7
    Member
    6394 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @jenandchris: I can totally see your point, I would want to be able to help my family, too. But from the way I read the OP’s statement, her Fiance didn’t even consult her before moving him in to their shared house.

    I would think if he talked to her about it first, that would have been okay. But to just start moving people in…no good, lol. 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    8738 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I would think as long as he discussed these things before hand with you then they are fine.

    The kids should definitely be ok, and yes it will take some adjustment, but you knew when you started dating him that he had kids and those kids would always be a part of his life.

    As for the god-brother, as long as you discussed it and he really does need help (and isn’t a moocher) I’d think it’s fine he stays there.

    One of FI’s fraternity brothers has been staying with us and another friend since August. He alternates where he stays as he gets on his feet with a job and an apartment in NYC. Sure it’s a long time to have someone sleeping on your couch, but he’s one of FI’s best friends and has become my best guy friend (other than FI).

    Sometimes having a full house can be fun. Try to look at the situation from a positive view point rather than a negative one. Maybe his god-brother can help out watching the kids if you two want a date night? Or help around the house, cook dinner, etc.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1030 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @KatNYC2011: Maybe his god-brother can help out watching the kids if you two want a date night? Or help around the house, cook dinner, etc.

     

    Ooh good perspective!

    Post # 10
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @jo.lee:  Oh I totally agree!  Sorry if I misinterpreted OP’s point.  Just inviting WITHOUT consulting you is totally a problem.  But I agree with PP, if he isn’t the sort of guy who is going to take advantage of this situation and really does need help, I don’t see the harm.  

     

    @KatNYC2011:  Great perspective!  Have the people you are helping, help you out in return!

    Post # 11
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I voted yes you are wrong. The size of your house shouldn’t determine whether to lend a helping hand especially to your FI’s god brother and kids. All kids need their fathers, especially black kids. I didn’t want to bring race in this, but I believe black males are more likely to go to prison than college because of the lack of positive black male role models in their lives. His god brother probably looks up to your Fiance that is why he wants to stay with you all. Please try to understand he wants to do right by his family and support him.

    Post # 12
    Member
    4824 posts
    Honey bee

    Yes and No.

    I can understand that he should have discussed it with you first. I can understand that it is a big change to have kids in the house and then to add another person on top of it is even more hectic.

    However, wouldnt you want him to help your family if they needed a few months to get adjusted, whether or not you had kids there?

    I think its probably the timing and the fact that he didnt discuss it with you first that is the problem, not the actual fact that his god brother is moving in.

    See if you can workout a deal with the god brother as “payment” as in he is responsible for dinner dishes, or cleaning the bathroom or cooking dinner for everyone once a week. this will help lighten your load and you may even like having him there and enjoy his company if you feel he is contributing to the house.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Any decisions involving ANYONE staying short term or long term in YOUR household should be discussed adn agreed upon behind closed doors between the two of you before any decision is announced.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1553 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I agree with previous posters that the kids and the godbrother are two very separate issues.  The kids are his and once you marry him, they will be your children too…and your home is now their home.

    But the godbrother?  Your Fiance sounds like a great guy in that he wants to help him out.  And I think it is reasonable for him to do so.  But for him to tell someone else he can move into your home without consulting you is wrong.  It is not your FI’s home — it is HIS, YOURS and the CHILDREN”S home.  You should definitely be consulted before anyone is told they can stay.  And you and he together should decide what you are comfortable with as a deadline.

    I don’t think the problem is who is staying with you as much as the lack of communication.  I don’t think you are unreasonable for being upset when you aren’t consulted on decisions that affect you both.

    Post # 16
    Member
    7173 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Yeow!  You are a saint, IMO (this is coming from someone who doesn’t want kids).  That’s a lot of responsibility, etc.

    But – to answer your question – no, you aren’t being unreasonable for not wanting another body in your house. 

    The problem I see is that he made a decision without consulting you.  Bringing someone into the house should be BOTH of your decisions – not his and then yours to deal with.

    Did he consult you before making the decision about the kids?

    Does he have pattern of doing things and expecting you to go along with it, regardless of how it makes you feel?  If so, that’s not going to change after you get married… which is something to think about.  

    The topic ‘Am I Wrong? Relative moving in issue!’ is closed to new replies.

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