Post # 1
So here it is…I am 25 I put myself through undergrad and grad school. I have a great career and I have done it all on my own. My Fiance just received his B.S. although he is 4 years older than me he is currently in school for his MBA.
The problem I need advice on is this: my Fiance just 3 months ago out awarded his kids in a custody battle he was excited I was mortified. I have 0 kids and don’t plan on having any for 5 years. I knew he had kids since day one but we dated for 3 years and the most I ever say them was summers. His ex decided she wants to move 8 hours away so now that he has custody it’s 100%. She wasn’t harming the kids she was just not the best mother in the world so his choice to get tem was purely on a want not a need. This has been a complete downer for me but I weighed the pros and cons of leaving and life without him and I decided to stay and make it work.
The kicker is… My Fiance has now told his God Brother that he can come to stay with us until he gets on his feet. (just 3 months after the kids moved into our house) WTF his god brother is the same age is me just graduated undergrad and needs some help. Under normal circumstances that would be fine but for God sakes I am just getting used to his kids being there and we only have a 3 bedroom house.
It’s like really stop saving the world and messing up your household! He thinks I am evil for saying such things and I just have a f$%k you figure it out attitude and I do but really I think the face that his kids just moved in and shook up my life is enough for one year.
Am I wrong for asking him to slow down the superman motions?
Post # 3
Obviously the kids should be allowed in the house, lol, which you agreed with, even though it was a monstruously large decision. But…yeah, he really should have talked with you about letting the godbrother move in with you two. 😛
Post # 4
The kids and the “relative” are two different issues. The kids are a reasonable request; the “relative” is not. I would never consider asking another adult to move in with us if my husband wasn’t 100% fine wiht it.
Post # 5
I think maybe there should be more communication between you two when it comes to these issues, but I don’t think he is wrong for trying to help his family. Would you want him to be open to you helping YOUR family out if it was necessary?
Obviously, with more facts, I may understand your side a bit more, but based on what you told us, I did vote that I thought you were wrong. But, in my relationship, I’m more the one who is apt to do things like this, and my Fiance would be irritated with me. So maybe thats why I think that way!
Post # 6
@FreeRangeMom: Glad someone agrees he thinks I’m this horrible person for saying no. I mean ok the kids fine it’s a responsibility you signed up for I get it. But your God brother!
And his argument is well you were going to let you sister move in for a summer. And yes that is true but it was before he got the kids so there was more room in the house and my sister is a college student that was coming to intern at my job for the summer. And she is 20 totally different –no kids in the house, a college student that had to return to school.
I just told him ok since you already agreed 2 month deadline! He goes well I need to see if that’s reasonable! He was like I think he’s going to need “just in case time” Really? Seriously? Errr I am heated!
Post # 7
@jenandchris: I can totally see your point, I would want to be able to help my family, too. But from the way I read the OP’s statement, her Fiance didn’t even consult her before moving him in to their shared house.
I would think if he talked to her about it first, that would have been okay. But to just start moving people in…no good, lol. 🙂
Post # 8
I would think as long as he discussed these things before hand with you then they are fine.
The kids should definitely be ok, and yes it will take some adjustment, but you knew when you started dating him that he had kids and those kids would always be a part of his life.
As for the god-brother, as long as you discussed it and he really does need help (and isn’t a moocher) I’d think it’s fine he stays there.
One of FI’s fraternity brothers has been staying with us and another friend since August. He alternates where he stays as he gets on his feet with a job and an apartment in NYC. Sure it’s a long time to have someone sleeping on your couch, but he’s one of FI’s best friends and has become my best guy friend (other than FI).
Sometimes having a full house can be fun. Try to look at the situation from a positive view point rather than a negative one. Maybe his god-brother can help out watching the kids if you two want a date night? Or help around the house, cook dinner, etc.
Post # 9
@KatNYC2011: Maybe his god-brother can help out watching the kids if you two want a date night? Or help around the house, cook dinner, etc.
Ooh good perspective!
Post # 10
@jo.lee: Oh I totally agree! Sorry if I misinterpreted OP’s point. Just inviting WITHOUT consulting you is totally a problem. But I agree with PP, if he isn’t the sort of guy who is going to take advantage of this situation and really does need help, I don’t see the harm.
@KatNYC2011: Great perspective! Have the people you are helping, help you out in return!
Post # 11
I voted yes you are wrong. The size of your house shouldn’t determine whether to lend a helping hand especially to your FI’s god brother and kids. All kids need their fathers, especially black kids. I didn’t want to bring race in this, but I believe black males are more likely to go to prison than college because of the lack of positive black male role models in their lives. His god brother probably looks up to your Fiance that is why he wants to stay with you all. Please try to understand he wants to do right by his family and support him.
Post # 12
Yes and No.
I can understand that he should have discussed it with you first. I can understand that it is a big change to have kids in the house and then to add another person on top of it is even more hectic.
However, wouldnt you want him to help your family if they needed a few months to get adjusted, whether or not you had kids there?
I think its probably the timing and the fact that he didnt discuss it with you first that is the problem, not the actual fact that his god brother is moving in.
See if you can workout a deal with the god brother as “payment” as in he is responsible for dinner dishes, or cleaning the bathroom or cooking dinner for everyone once a week. this will help lighten your load and you may even like having him there and enjoy his company if you feel he is contributing to the house.
Post # 13
Any decisions involving ANYONE staying short term or long term in YOUR household should be discussed adn agreed upon behind closed doors between the two of you before any decision is announced.
Post # 14
I agree with previous posters that the kids and the godbrother are two very separate issues. The kids are his and once you marry him, they will be your children too…and your home is now their home.
But the godbrother? Your Fiance sounds like a great guy in that he wants to help him out. And I think it is reasonable for him to do so. But for him to tell someone else he can move into your home without consulting you is wrong. It is not your FI’s home — it is HIS, YOURS and the CHILDREN”S home. You should definitely be consulted before anyone is told they can stay. And you and he together should decide what you are comfortable with as a deadline.
I don’t think the problem is who is staying with you as much as the lack of communication. I don’t think you are unreasonable for being upset when you aren’t consulted on decisions that affect you both.
Post # 15
Thanks for the feedback. Of course the kids are allowed the point is I don’t have any and it is a MAJOR adjustment as it is. So I think it would be fair to ask for so adjustment time before throwing a grown man into the mix on top of the major adjustment I am still making.
Oh, and he won’t be paying any bills just saving to move.
But I appreciate the optimistic approaches and will try to see it from other angles but at the end of the day I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick.
I guess I just have things more sorted out and he hasn’t had to make 1, not 1 life altering sacrifice for me and I feel like I keep making them. I moved from Michigan to Florida, and about a list of other sacrifices.
I feel like I have to draw the line somewhere because is personality is to help the world.
In addition, he is used to a house full of people his sister, brother, cousins you name it has all used his old house months at a time so it’s not big deal to him. To me it’s an invasion of person space. I think subconscious I may have said no because I know if I say yes to this in 3 month more months it will be his sister and her kid, 6 months his brother and I want to stop the cycle before it starts again.
Post # 16
Yeow! You are a saint, IMO (this is coming from someone who doesn’t want kids). That’s a lot of responsibility, etc.
But – to answer your question – no, you aren’t being unreasonable for not wanting another body in your house.
The problem I see is that he made a decision without consulting you. Bringing someone into the house should be BOTH of your decisions – not his and then yours to deal with.
Did he consult you before making the decision about the kids?
Does he have pattern of doing things and expecting you to go along with it, regardless of how it makes you feel? If so, that’s not going to change after you get married… which is something to think about.