(Closed) Am I wrong to feel bad?

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
662 posts
Busy bee

Maybe he learned that going into debt over a ring doesn’t ensure a loving wife and took that lesson and ran with it? My SO also spent a lot more on his rx’s ring than he spent on mine but I’m okay with that. We have a life to build together. We have a lifetime to spend together. And it’s just a ring. It doesn’t mean he loves you less it just meanshe’s learned his lesson. Try to make him understand but at the end of the day he can still give you bling for the rest of your life. She might have got a bigger ring but she effed up and list out on the real prize. 

Post # 4
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you truly enjoy thrifting and you’re a thrifty person, I’d reckon he actually took that into consideration when choosing your ring, and bought you something he thought you’d appreciate as it was more in line with your financial behaviors. It’s hard for a guy to see you looking for the most value with a low spend, every day, then somehow figure out you have one spendy thing in mind.

And it’s never a good idea to compare yourself to an ex. She may have had a bigger ring, but she’s gone now…..

Post # 6
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry OP. I would feel the same way. It’s hard to look at it as anything but him not caring enough to bother getting what you wanted or something as nice as he bought his ex. I would voice my opinion sooner rather than later, as it could be a point of contention between the two of you if it isn’t resolved. 

Post # 8
10 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I understand where you’re coming from. An engagement ring is supposed to be symbolic and special; a ring you will wear for a lifetime.

How did you find out how much it cost? Did you just find out recently? (Sorry if you posted this above, I’ve had a headache all day and  my eyes are starting to fail me.)

Post # 9
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I understand completely. While some people put the emphasis on the symbol of the ring, I personally look at the symbol AND it’s value. To me the value of the ring equates to the sacrifice my man made for me (in the monetary sense) which demonstrates his commitment to me. Similar to a dowry in the old days.

Doesn’t sound like you two were on the same page about the ring. Did you communicate your preference to him before getting engaged? 

Since what’s done is done and he already got you a silver CZ ring, would it be possible to get a diamond or moissanite set into it? Or uprade the whole ring? I hope he didn’t spend all his money to the point where it’s no longer an option to upgrade.

I’d just let him know the importance of it and ask him to upgrade you as an anniversay gift, or even for your birthday or v-day.

Post # 10
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would be bothered too, even if I didn’t know about the cost of the ex’s ring. I am also far from materialistic but if my Fiance only spent $90 on my ring, I might feel the need to ask why it was such a low priority.

Post # 11
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you have every right to feel bad and I think you need to have a conversation with him. Don’t let the Bees who call you materalistic or tell you to just focus on the “meaning” of the ring and yadda yadda, get you down — you wanted a ring you will wear a lifetime. I totlly agree.

Post # 12
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

he spent $90 on a CZ ring, i would never call you materialistic or selfish – i would call you calm and way too polite because i would have blown my ever lovin’ mind!

i feel if you are marrying someone then you should be confident enough to talk about any subject and that especially includes finances, expectations and your hurt feelings over this.  maybe he feels you are a very special person because high priced jewellery doesnt mean as much to you as to his ex but i totally understand your disappointment and hope you can talk to him to reach a compromise

Post # 13
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel bad- I would, too.

I’m not sure from your post if you’ve tried talking to him about it?? Your feelings are very valid.

Post # 14
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Please say something to him about this. It will eat you up. I would absolutely be upset, given the additional information you posted. I really don’t think you are being materialistic in this, you have some valid points and you owe it to yourself (and him) to have a discussion about it. You probably don’t have to make the ring he bought for his ex the main point though – it’s more the fact that he knew what you wanted and didn’t seem to take it into consideration. 

Post # 15
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I completely see where you’re coming from.  I also much prefer gestures (like unloading the dishwasher on Saturday mornings or making my coffee in the morning) and I’m thrifty too, and also have a CZ engagement ring (my choice) with the agreement that someday I’d get something more durable and long-lasting.  The time hasn’t come yet, but knowing Fiance as I do, I have a feeling he is going to reneg on this deal.  Mind you, he does spoil me when he can, so it’s not like he’s cheap (2 weeks before Valentine’s Day he came home on a Friday and handed me a Kindle Fire just because he could…) he just doesn’t get jewelry or why it’s so important.  Even when I tried to explain it to him, he was lost and I gave up.  For now.  In the end, if I want a moissanite upgrade (my dream!) I’ll likely be footing the bill, which I decided I can live with if I can keep all the sweet things and surprise spoilings from him.  That’s me though.

I guess my question is, WHY did his ex get such an expensive ring?  Did he choose it himself or did she pick it out and say ‘I want that one’.  It may sound silly, but it’s a huge difference IMO, because he may have been pushed into the expensive ring by her.  It sounds like he truly does love and appreciate you, so even though you explained to him how important your ring was, I don’t think he got it.  I would bring it up, nicely, by saying something like ‘I think my engagement ring is going to need to be replaced soon, it’s starting to show wear / tarnish / get cloudy / etc.  How do you feel about that?’ and see what he says.  Or even ‘I know it’s not in the budget right now, but I think this is going to need to be replaced (state your reason)…’ and see how he responds to that.  If he doesn’t respond well, then I’d be upset and call him out on it.  If he does respond well ‘Oh, well since we have to replace it, how about something a little more expensive?’ then you’re in!!  

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