Post # 1
I have been dealing with an issue that I just keep going round with. Before getting married my then fiance received quite a large sum of money. Some went for bills some for other necessary things. I’m really frugal and love thrift shopping. I’m not materialistic at all with the exception being my wedding/engagement ring. Even then I probably would go with the more affordable moissanite instead of diamond. The problem for me is my then fiance/now husband knew I wanted an engagement ring more than anything. Apparently the money got spent and I ended up with a 90.00 silver CZ ring. I know comparing is BAD but his ex got a 7000.00 ring. It just makes me feel like I’m not worth as much to him. He says I treat him better and she was frankly abusive….so why in matters of time spent or money do I always get the short end of the stick? I’ve tried not feeling badly about this but it just doesn’t go away. If he truly could not afford it I’d really understand. My issue is that when he had 20,000 burning a hole in his pocket I was not worth budgeting 2000 for my ring.
My husband is wonderful to me but for some reason he tends to equate love with money spent on someone. So that makes this feel even worse. I’m more of an action girl. Loving acts(a card, a single rose, doing a chore I dread) mean the most to me. But he KNEW this one thing monetary meant a LOT to me. It to me is a symbol of what I mean to him and of our love. And I just love bling. I don’t have lots of jewelry….I just wanted ONE nice piece from HIM. And I can’t help but feel so hurt that his ex was worth going into debt over for her super expensive ring. I didn’t want him to spend money he didn’t have but for her he was willing and for me he wouldn’t even spend a small portion of money he had in the bank. I’m just dumbfounded.
Please don’t tell me I’m just being materialistic or selfish, if you knew me you’d know I’m not. I don’t even really like buying new things for myself if I can thrift shop for it. But sometimes I want to feel like he values me as much as he did her. Because I know I’m nicer and better to him. Our therapist seems to understand and tried explaining this to him…
Post # 3
Maybe he learned that going into debt over a ring doesn’t ensure a loving wife and took that lesson and ran with it? My SO also spent a lot more on his rx’s ring than he spent on mine but I’m okay with that. We have a life to build together. We have a lifetime to spend together. And it’s just a ring. It doesn’t mean he loves you less it just meanshe’s learned his lesson. Try to make him understand but at the end of the day he can still give you bling for the rest of your life. She might have got a bigger ring but she effed up and list out on the real prize.
Post # 4
If you truly enjoy thrifting and you’re a thrifty person, I’d reckon he actually took that into consideration when choosing your ring, and bought you something he thought you’d appreciate as it was more in line with your financial behaviors. It’s hard for a guy to see you looking for the most value with a low spend, every day, then somehow figure out you have one spendy thing in mind.
And it’s never a good idea to compare yourself to an ex. She may have had a bigger ring, but she’s gone now…..
Post # 5
I was very specific about what I wanted in a ring though. He could tell you exactly what I wanted. He just didn’t budget or care enough to buy it? He kind of acts like my being thrify is odd at times so I’m baffled. And he would NOT have had to go into debt over my ring. He had the money and makes a nice living. The cost of my ring wouldn’t have made a dent in the money he went through. I have never really compared myself to any others guy’s exs. I think it is just because I received a ton of info from his kids and family about his ex and from him. And she has been a source of drama for us. So even though I try not to remember how much her ring cost I can’t quite forget. In fact even if I didn’t know anything about her ring or her I’d STILL feel bad that he knew what I wanted and just ignored it. He loaned money to people and other things with that money. I guess I just wanted to feel like a priority. Ugh. lol
Post # 6
I’m sorry OP. I would feel the same way. It’s hard to look at it as anything but him not caring enough to bother getting what you wanted or something as nice as he bought his ex. I would voice my opinion sooner rather than later, as it could be a point of contention between the two of you if it isn’t resolved.
Post # 7
And yes, HE is a prize. I just sort of wanted my ring to be a reflection of us. And I just don’t feel or think my ring is. I guess the ring just symbolized more than just the ring. I guess for me it was a WORTH thing? Does that make sense? I wasn’t asking for nearly as expensive a ring as his ex had. But I also didn’t want a silver CZ ring. It probably didn’t help that his ex called me trailer trash. I don’t care where anyone lives and don’t judge peope like that. And I’ve never lived in a trailer…lol. I do know what ring you have or where you live doesn’t make you what you ARE. I just wanted ONE thing I knew he could afford and I feel HE felt I wasn’t worth it.
Post # 8
I understand where you’re coming from. An engagement ring is supposed to be symbolic and special; a ring you will wear for a lifetime.
How did you find out how much it cost? Did you just find out recently? (Sorry if you posted this above, I’ve had a headache all day and my eyes are starting to fail me.)
Post # 9
I understand completely. While some people put the emphasis on the symbol of the ring, I personally look at the symbol AND it’s value. To me the value of the ring equates to the sacrifice my man made for me (in the monetary sense) which demonstrates his commitment to me. Similar to a dowry in the old days.
Doesn’t sound like you two were on the same page about the ring. Did you communicate your preference to him before getting engaged?
Since what’s done is done and he already got you a silver CZ ring, would it be possible to get a diamond or moissanite set into it? Or uprade the whole ring? I hope he didn’t spend all his money to the point where it’s no longer an option to upgrade.
I’d just let him know the importance of it and ask him to upgrade you as an anniversay gift, or even for your birthday or v-day.
Post # 10
I would be bothered too, even if I didn’t know about the cost of the ex’s ring. I am also far from materialistic but if my Fiance only spent $90 on my ring, I might feel the need to ask why it was such a low priority.
Post # 11
I think you have every right to feel bad and I think you need to have a conversation with him. Don’t let the Bees who call you materalistic or tell you to just focus on the “meaning” of the ring and yadda yadda, get you down — you wanted a ring you will wear a lifetime. I totlly agree.
Post # 12
he spent $90 on a CZ ring, i would never call you materialistic or selfish – i would call you calm and way too polite because i would have blown my ever lovin’ mind!
i feel if you are marrying someone then you should be confident enough to talk about any subject and that especially includes finances, expectations and your hurt feelings over this. maybe he feels you are a very special person because high priced jewellery doesnt mean as much to you as to his ex but i totally understand your disappointment and hope you can talk to him to reach a compromise
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel bad- I would, too.
I’m not sure from your post if you’ve tried talking to him about it?? Your feelings are very valid.
Post # 14
Please say something to him about this. It will eat you up. I would absolutely be upset, given the additional information you posted. I really don’t think you are being materialistic in this, you have some valid points and you owe it to yourself (and him) to have a discussion about it. You probably don’t have to make the ring he bought for his ex the main point though – it’s more the fact that he knew what you wanted and didn’t seem to take it into consideration.
Post # 15
I completely see where you’re coming from. I also much prefer gestures (like unloading the dishwasher on Saturday mornings or making my coffee in the morning) and I’m thrifty too, and also have a CZ engagement ring (my choice) with the agreement that someday I’d get something more durable and long-lasting. The time hasn’t come yet, but knowing Fiance as I do, I have a feeling he is going to reneg on this deal. Mind you, he does spoil me when he can, so it’s not like he’s cheap (2 weeks before Valentine’s Day he came home on a Friday and handed me a Kindle Fire just because he could…) he just doesn’t get jewelry or why it’s so important. Even when I tried to explain it to him, he was lost and I gave up. For now. In the end, if I want a moissanite upgrade (my dream!) I’ll likely be footing the bill, which I decided I can live with if I can keep all the sweet things and surprise spoilings from him. That’s me though.
I guess my question is, WHY did his ex get such an expensive ring? Did he choose it himself or did she pick it out and say ‘I want that one’. It may sound silly, but it’s a huge difference IMO, because he may have been pushed into the expensive ring by her. It sounds like he truly does love and appreciate you, so even though you explained to him how important your ring was, I don’t think he got it. I would bring it up, nicely, by saying something like ‘I think my engagement ring is going to need to be replaced soon, it’s starting to show wear / tarnish / get cloudy / etc. How do you feel about that?’ and see what he says. Or even ‘I know it’s not in the budget right now, but I think this is going to need to be replaced (state your reason)…’ and see how he responds to that. If he doesn’t respond well, then I’d be upset and call him out on it. If he does respond well ‘Oh, well since we have to replace it, how about something a little more expensive?’ then you’re in!!
Post # 16
@MerryWidow and all: I have talked to him about this extensively. It IS sort of eating me up, which is not healthy I know. I didn’t inquire about the cost of his ex’s ring….his kids and family told me and he eventually did. I guess why I feel so bad is that he got her ANYTHING she wanted…lots of cosmetic surgery, you name it. He even has trouble understanding my frugality although he appreciates it after his ex. So when I told him repeatedly exactly what I wanted…a ring with a moissanite center stone or real diamond if we could find a really good deal on one…I didn’t think it would be such an issue. His ex did pick her ring out but HE marched out and bought it and made payments on it for years. I just don’t understand why when he got that large sum of money that MY ring was his last priority. We’ve had many a discussion on this and our therapist has addressed it too. Now he is saying when he gets another sum like that he will get me my ring. Much as I’ve tried to love my ring everytime I look at it I think: He valued HER more(even though he says not…proof is in the pudding so to speak), this isn’t the symbol that I want to represent us(as in he didn’t care what I really wanted). Like MerryWidow I’m sort of skeptical if he will actually get my ring later this year. I mean if I wasn’t worth it the first time around why will I be later? Our therapist said that his ex got all that because he was afraid of her and she was VERY demanding and I clearly am not. Well, that just feels like crap. Most things I like to be frugal but this ONE time I wanted what I wanted because I sleep, shower and live in my ring. And he most definitely knew that it was ONE thing I didn’t want to super cheap out on. Thanks for all the kind words and making me feel like I’m not crazy to feel this way. My husband is wonderful to me which is why I’m just so baffled by this. Even his family doesn’t understand why he got me such a low cost ring. I’m holding out hope he does do what he said he will and get me the ring I love.