Am I wrong to feel resentful?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
702 posts
Busy bee

There’s a lot to unpack here, but ultimately it sounds like this relationship has run its course. You got your dream job, you are clise to your family. Don’t give that up for a guy who is okay going 5 months without seeing you and has notbeen supportive at all.

Post # 3
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

First off, I’m so sorry about all the loss you’ve had recently. This time has everyone anxious and thrown literally the whole world into disarray but also highlighted what’s important to us. Clearly, your bf does not consider you a major priority. I reckon you’re both quite young as you think “late 20’s” is too old to have children. At your age, you’re just getting out of uni, figuring yourself out and your future, it is a lot for a person and when you do it together it can bring you closer but for you, it is really showing that you’re not in the same wavelenght and you’re sacrificing too much of yourself for this relationship. One thing I learned is that men are some self-loving mofos! When they’re young, they will put their dreams and careers first, and then love after that. Whereas women, we oftentimes can lose ourselves and our identities to the love, almost forgetting about our dreams & careers or not chasing them with strong conviction and making ourselves more available to them. It is not always so, but most frequently.

I’d say, leave him, live your life, you’ve got SOOO much ahead of you. Learn who you are without him, you’ve worked hard at your degree, don’t let some guy who is not putting you first derail you from the hard work you’ve done. I promise you, it will hurt a lot for the first couple of months, but you WILL get over him and realize that you’ve got a great life to lead on your own, which then someone will join in and be happy to compromise and elevate you. 

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’d leave.

Your bf is a selfish tool who won’t commit to you and only cares about himself.

It sounds like you’re both young. You’re at a phase in your life where you should be prioritizing yourself, and establishing your own careers. But your bf took it way too far. He wanted you to give up everything for him, when he had flexibility, and wouldn’t even establish a timeline with you. You’re not a girlfriend. You’re a convenient tagalong to him.

When you’re in a committed relationship, you have to consider the joint success of the couple. You can’t have one person with a dream job and the other unemployable.

You can do SO much better. Good thing you learned this now.

Post # 5
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’m so sorry to hear all of this, what a nightmare. I would have been an absolute wreck during all of this.

I think that you should break up, I’m sorry. I don’t know what changed for him, but it sounds like you guys had a great plan and then he just backed out of all of it. You tried to be supportive and understanding but I don’t see that he extended that same courtesy to you. It also sounds like his parents were piling on a ton of pressure. I actually can’t believe he let you fly back alone and go through all of that alone. And then he didn’t even come to see you, you had to go back to him. Being in a serious relationship/marriage, you have each other’s backs. You get through the lowest lows together and enjoy the highest highs together. It sounds like he absolutely abandoned you in your darkest times and just for some job?? He sounds selfish and the way he got upset at you makes it a million times worse. It sounds like he never tried to come up with a solution either… was he at least there for you emotionally when you were long distance? Was he calling every night and offering support and remembering details and telling you he loved you and it would all be ok? My heart sank a little when you said you’d be willing to stay with him for a commitment. It sounds like you know what you want, and it sounds wonderful! Then he couldn’t even give you that. Please take the lovely job and don’t look back. It will hurt but you will heal and you really just don’t want to end up tied to someone like him. I’m sorry.

Post # 6
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@claire22:  Should I just reconsider the entire relationship?

In a word, yes.   Sometimes you just reach a point in the relationship where you have to ask yourself “Is this working for me?”  You’re getting nowhere because you are NOT in a partnership, for lack of a better word.  Your bf is completely concerned about himself and wants you to accommodate him and make sacrifices all without any sacrifice from him…..ergo YOU take all the risks while he sits pretty and decides IF he wants to make you his wife……What new info does he need to make that decision btw???  You have been living together for what 2-3 years??? What is he think is going to change by making that commitment?

You’re fully aware that in a healthy relationship both parties are supportive of each other’s needs and major decisions take BOTH of you in consideration….its not one-sided.  While you’re trying your best to consider both of your needs your bf seems to be considering only HIS needs and doesn’t really seem to care how things affect you.  Is that what you signed up for?  You need to have a CTJ with yourself OP and really reflect on whether this situation is best for you.  YOUR needs are just as important as his….remember that.

Also, lots of hugs bee.  I’m really sorry for your loss.

Post # 7
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Your boyfriend prioritized himself, his family and his career.  That’s what young people who are not married do.  He isn’t your fiance or your husband.  Your problem appears to be that you were giving a today-boyfriend lifetime-husband expectations. 

He took every bit that you offered (he wouldn’t have stayed with your family over seeing his), while keeping his boundaries and preferences clear-  he didn’t pay an iota of attention to your job prospects.

Next time around, don’t make job/ family sacrifices for people who aren’t interested in the commitment that would make that rational.  You chose to spend 5 months in a global pandemic with your boyfriend because he felt like family.  If he thought you were family, he’d propose. 

That mismatch isn’t your fault or his, but you’re the only person who bears the weight of your sacrifice.

Loss is heartbreaking. I’m sorry you’ve had a tough year.

Post # 9
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Yes, you should reconsider this relationship. It’s incredibly one-sided. You’re the only one giving or compromising and all he does is take take take while ignoring your needs. He’s treating you more like a pet he likes having around than a person and definitely not like a partner. Time to part ways and live your own life.

Post # 12
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

Your life goals are no longer compatable. This is natural and normal at this point in your life.

 

It’s time to end it, don’t drag it out and don’t press for a commitment. 

Post # 13
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Your boyfriend made the best decision for himself and his career independent of your wants and needs.  You should do the same. 

And I’m calling bullshit on his claim that he’ll do anything in the world to make you happy. If that were true he would not have dismissed your attempts to voice your concerns when he was making his career choice.

It sounds like your relationship has run it’s course.  You can take your cues from him…his actions, not his words. And his actions suggest that he really wants a relationship with you, but only if you are willing to sacrifice everything while he gets everything he wants. 

Post # 13
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’m glad that he was at least there for you in some ways, but I don’t even think that was enough. I do think he should’ve been on that plane with you (you even mentioned you’re terrified of flying!) or at the very, very least for the funerals when you were asking him. I understand he doesn’t want to lose this job, but there are other jobs and as he’s living with family, it’s not like he has to worry about losing a house or how to support kids, etc. I do think the stability excuse is bs too, and it’s often used by men as a stalling tactic. If you were constantly at each other’s throats then ok, take a step back and go to therapy before considering engagement, but that doesn’t sound like that was the case for you guys. You tried to tell him ahead of time that this job might not be the right fit and he just ignored you and your concerns and questions. Then your concerns and questions came to pass as issues, he had no solution and then regrets taking the job. You were telling him beforehand to listen, which was valid. Now you’re long-distance which you repeatedly said you DIDN’T want, and he has no plan to fix any of that. It doesn’t sound like he’s even bothering to look for jobs in Montreal, so it all sounds like talk. So what is his plan? Just keep being long-distance until he decides you’re “stable” enough and proposes in a year? Then you uproot your whole life, quit your dream job, and move to the tiny town you hate and live happily ever after? If he really regrets the job and wants to close the distance and make you happy, he should quit his job, find one where you are, leave his parents house, propose, and you can start building your lives together.

Post # 14
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You’re right, the pandemic made a lot of us realize what was important. The truth is, you’re not as important to him as he is to himself. Or as important as his career is to him. I know that’s harsh, but every single one of his actions proves that. 

Now that’s not to say that he was lying all along, or that he even realized in the spring when you went to BC that this would be how it would go. But shit happened, things changed…I think being resentful about that is wasted energy. 

What you should be angry about is the bs he’s feeding you now. He’d do anything to make you happy? Really? Because you gave him about a million options, and he took none. He doesn’t want to lose you, but won’t do anything to keep you. You’ve made it clear what you want and need, and he’s refused to do it. Stop listening to the crap from his mouth and look at his actions: what concrete things has he done to show you your relationship is moving forward and you two will have a future together? After high-school,  staying up late to talk on the phone isn’t enough .

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

He’s showing you the type of person he is and what he wants out of life. If you are okay with him always prioritising himself, his family, and his career over yours, then stay. If that’s not what you want, then leave. He’s not going to turn into a different person.

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