Am I wrong to feel resentful?

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 136
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

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@claire22:  If you’re not ready to formally break up, then can I suggest a year apart with NO CONTACT.  I had a friend who did this many years ago – they got to the stage where they couldn’t find a way forward but were reluctant to break things off.  In that year, they did a lot of maturing and at the end of it, they met up to discuss matters and felt they would like to give things another go.  They’ve now been married over 20 years!

I’m not normally a fan of the temporary breakup, but I think if it’s done for a year and with zero contact during that year it can be helpful – if there is something in the relationship worth saving, it’s still going to be there in 12 months, and if not – you’ll already have moved on.

Post # 138
Member
10236 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@claire22:  

Well if you really do mean what you said in your reply to pp 

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@teaandcake:  you need to make it crystal clear to your bf. You seem to have at this point told him that counselling would be a good idea, that you think it might be, not that it is definitely is, too late, and used the word ‘liberate’ when you really meant ‘ do anything to make this feel not so bad’ .

l absolutely get that you still love him and that you are completely confused about how to best resolve all this. God knows we have all been there at one time or another . l think also in your heart you are still hoping he will find a way to come and visit you and will tell you everything you want to hear, ie that he will do anything to keep you. 

l think fwiw, that you were wrong to expect him to come over for the funerals in the first place, obviously it would have been lovely if he could, and packing up the apartment alone must have been awful, but it was not imho a reasonable request and his refusal has left you with an ineradicable resentment towards him ( entirely understandable, such feelings arent always rational) . And  I can see that you wish he didn’t talk to his parents so much, but l agree with a pp who said that this is actually a perfectly reasonable thing to do , you know. You gave up a lot for him, you made your life fit his and did not and will not do the same. That is more serious grounds for resentment too and ones that will not go away . As many pps have said, your priorities and his are no longer the same. 

lf you are going to resolve on 12 months no contact , that means no contact, none. It also means  that neither of you can impose conditions on the other for that period . Be aware that his openly expressed desire to sleep with other women and his telling you he won’t mind if you do the same is the clearest possible indication that as far as he is concerned this relationship is irrevocably changed, even functionally over. He is not quite brave enough to say so, that’s all – plus l have no doubt he still actually loves you. A pp or two has suggested if a man loves a woman or vice versa, they have no desire for any other person. I don’t believe that, but l do also believe there is no compulsion to act on said desire . 

This too will pass dear OP, your way forward is actually simple – not easy, anything but- but it is simple, if you really do want to liberate yourself, in the proper meaning of the word, do it. If not, all this is going to go on for some considerable time. 

Post # 139
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

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@elderberry:  You’re confusing this thread with the other one about a breakup. This OP’s boyfriend never said he wants to sleep with other people.

Post # 140
Member
10236 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@yogahammy:  

Yes, you are right- not confusing it exactly, but certainly conflating it.
So sorry OP , ignore the sex and irrelevant stuff ! 

Post # 142
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee

Hi Bee. I’ve been where you are in previous relationships. This man is definitely manipulative and gaslighting you. I agree with the one year no contact thing, I believe at that point though you will be so focused in life that he won’t matter much anymore. This agreement will make you feel a little better closure wise. Do not let him move for you , you will not here the end of it! Tell him you want a break let him reply and block him , keep a calendar date for when that year is up 

Post # 143
Member
10236 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@claire22:  

Thank you OP, that is very gracious of you. 

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