Am I wrong to want a ring?

posted 7 months ago in Engagement
Post # 3
Member
2823 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

anapwed :  wanting a ring to be a “priority” seems a bit ridiculous given 2 kids and almost a decade together. Just being honest here. Even planning a wedding. There are obviously more pressing priorities.  I suspect this is more about feeling that he has not actively had interest or made any effort in making you his wife.  At this point as unpleasant/hurtful as those feelings are,  2 kids later,  it is what it is… you could try to explain your feelings to him again or just let it go. I suggest the latter….  Unlike many others,  at least he is willing to marry you.  Best wishes. 

Post # 6
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee

Will you guys be exchanging wedding bands? What if he picks out a band for you, or you do it truly together this time? I think that would be a great and reasonable middle ground!

Post # 7
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to want a ring of his choosing.  It’s an important social and emotional symbol for people, and I would feel the same if I were in your position.

The thing I think is concerning here, though, is his complete lack of initiative.  I’m not doubting whether or not he wants to marry you – but I am saying I would be very uncomfortable being with someone so passive and distant when I expressed that something was important to me.  I think that’s perhaps worth a conversation with him about, and make sure to make it clear it’s not about wanting a trinket, it’s about wanting to be with an equal partner who give as much of a crap about this stuff as you do.  People can make the argument all day that rings are just symbols and symbolism is largely unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  That’s true, sure.  But the fact of the matter is that humans have put a lot of emotional energy into symbols since the dawn of time because they are still important to us, and they allow us to assign meaning to intangible things.  Have a good conversation with him about his lack of participation and get your ring, girl.

Post # 8
Member
4053 posts
Honey bee

You have low self-esteem? Gee, I never would have guessed. Not.

Just TELL him that on x day you are shopping for a wedding ring. He doesn’t get to beg off, he doesn’t get to cancel out, he has to go. Is that so hard ?

Post # 9
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

anapwed :  does he show you he loves you in other ways? If so, I don’t think this is the hill to die on. You’re entitled to your feelings but sitting and stewing on them will just cause resentment. If he’s showing you he loves you in other ways and you feel he genuinely wants to get married, let him know that you want to choose wedding rings together. That it’s jmportant to you. But let the engagement ring go.

If he doesn’t show you he loves you in other ways, then you might need to look more closely at his actions and not his words and reevaluate if you both want the same things.

Post # 10
Member
12125 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

anapwed :  On the one hand, you knew who you were proposing to. On the other, if he was going to lose his job unless he went out and bought a certain item for his boss this week, I assume he would make it happen. To some extent you teach people how you are willing to be treated. 

I think you need to be honest with him about your emotions, that you are feeling hurt and upset, not just insecure about his ongoing inability to make your feelings a priority and that it is starting to affect how you feel about him and your future together. I think you understandably have some built up resentment towards him that he may not fully appreciate and that needs to be addressed before moving forward. Premarital counseling could be helpful here, too. 

It’s not just about an inexpensive ring. 

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2018

no, you’re not wrong wanting a ring. it’s absolutely reasonable. and I would be mad too if my fiancee didn’t buy me a ring in your position.

I guess there are two problems. Firstly, you already have 2 kids. He may not have too much passion for you.Secondly, you have low esteem. That’s the main problem. You can directly talk to him that he must get a ring for you, if not, you will be very unhappy and feel hurt. You have the right to insist. But on the contrary, you daren’t. You even doubt yourself and wonder if your requirement is reasonable. There’s a saying that, ‘You taught others the way they should treat you.’ If you don’t attach importance to your feeling, why should others do?

Just try to talk to him, tell him you want a ring chose by him, and invite him to pick a ring someday together.

Post # 12
Member
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You seem very sweet.

I would just tell him that it’s up to him to go buy you a ring/set for the ceremony as your current one is a place holder and the real rings will be presented during the ceremony. Surely he won’t get up there the day of with no rings? Right? 

Post # 13
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

So it’s been 5 years since you proposed and still not married???

Do you have a date set?  Why did it take this long?

That would be more concerning to me.  Combined with the fact that he didn’t actually propose AND didn’t take initiative to get you a ring.  I wonder if he actually wants to get married…

Post # 15
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ok, pp are being ridiculous. He’s not some saint bc he’s willing to actually marry you, nor should you accept crumbs bc you had 2 kids and he isn’t expected to be passionate anymore. 2 kids in, my husband is way more into me (and i him).

Op, look i know everyone on here preaches the love languages, but i have never met anyone irl who doesn’t think they’re a crock of shit. Telling him to buy you a ring bc of your love language is unlikely to get you very far, tbh.

2 kids, and building a life together is way more of a commitment than a big party, imo. I would imagine that you haven’t planned a wedding because life events made it unfeasible? Is that a fair statement?

What does he say when you DO bring this up? What are his reasons? Do you feel like he just doesn’t understand why it’s important to you? Or do you feel like he does understand, but doesn’t care?

 

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