Am Im being strung along or am I just paranoid?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

No, you aren’t overreacting. It sounds like he is focused on short term, immediate goals. He may not be a marriage minded guy. And, he may be a serial relationship person who stays with women he enjoys while living life the way that he wants, until things bother him or they pressure him to move forward into a serious zone that he isn’t comfortable with.

I’d sit and have a real talk with him, before you move to NJ to save money and commit to another 18 months with him. It sounds like this is a situation that works for him as long as it benefits him. But if you feel that you have a timeline, than I would carefully guard that timeline. Men have more time than women do to establish families.

Post # 3
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I think you are justified in being concerned. I think the fact that he seems to shut you down and is unwilling to have an open conversation about marriage is concerning. I think you need to set a timeline for yourself, and if he isn’t on board it may be best to move on. At 32, you still have plenty of time for kids, but you definitely don’t want to find yourself another 2-3 years down the road with this guy with marriage nowhere in sight. 

For what it’s worth, in my experience men in their 30s who are ready to settle down do so pretty quickly in their relationships. The fact that you’re 20 months in and it hasn’t crossed his mind says a lot .

Post # 4
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee

bigapplebee :  not overreacting at all. he’s in his 30s and instead of taking the steps necessary to start a family, he’s talking about buying a $60k (fucking ridiculous for someone in law enforcement, in my unsolicited opinion) truck. you are correct that marrying you is not a priority. 

my only question to you is: why the hell, after knowing what he’s done to some other poor woman close to your age, would you move in with him and start a life with him prior to getting what you need from him? to add insult to injury, he *knew* he didn’t want to marry his ex and still wasted 3 of her reproductive years anyway. that is a sign of a major character flaw: selfishness and lack of concern for how his actions may hurt others. you know that if he’s feeling the same way about you, he won’t tell you until it benefits *him*, as in—when he’s ready to move on. 

its also very concerning that he said she ran him off by asking about marriage. who the fuck wouldn’t be asking about marriage 3 years into a relationship in their 30s?? my normal advice would be a come-to-jesus with him, but I’m concerned about his willingness/ability to be honest about something that may have a negative impact on his current lifestyle should he say something you don’t want to hear…

Post # 5
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

bigapplebee :  It doesnt sound good that he ended the last relationship due to feeling ‘pressured’ into proposing and is now shutting down your very real concerns about the same thing.

He’s def giving signs that he’s not on the same timeline as you. Also, using the last relationship-ending proposal story sounds like he is manipulating you into NOT bringing t up, and the rest is like an unspoken ‘or else…’

He seems to be under the impression that the women he has dated would want to marry ANY guy and are simply lassoing him into doing something that they have set a personal goal to cross off. Thats how it comes across, he seems very jumpy about it and very determined that he WONT be tied down. What about the other aspects of your life together. Is he loving and kind in other ways? Are you both happy together in general? 

Two years is a long enough time and you deserve for him to be honest. But are you prepared if the answer is no? Think about what you will do if this is the case, and if you are ready to accept it going either way.

Post # 6
Member
1447 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

bigapplebee :    I don’t know bee, this doesn’t sound good.  He can’t seem to give you a straight answer for anything… I basically asked him outright if he thinks I’m “the one” and he quickly responded and asked me if I felt he was the one, I said “yeah I’ve known for a while” and he said “awww.”   But never answered the danm question!

He’s deflecting and yeah since its been nearly two years its more than enough time to know if you’re the one he wants to marry.  Let’s be clear, he’s not wrong to NOT want to be married right now but he WOULD be wrong to string you along for as long as possible and expect you to just accept things as they are when you’ve made your goals and expectations clear to him.

Soooo for your peace of mind, have a sit down with him.  Let him know your concerns especially with regards to communicating to you his intentions and not letting you waste your time.  You want answers bee….direct, clear answers.  You have a right to those answers but you also need to be prepared for not hearing what you want to hear.  And if he does tell you you’re not the one……you just signed a lease…..what’s your plan???

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Hmmm….it sounds like he’s just not very marriage minded.  He’s happy enough with you but doesn’t feel the need to have that marriage commitment.  I wouldn’t have signed that lease without a ring and a date.  If you really love him and want to wait for him to be ready spend the lease term deciding how long you’ll wait for him to be ready.  Ask him about HIS timeline and if he doesn’t stick to it, leave. 

Post # 8
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I find this super concerning:

Boyfriend or Best Friend (33) and I (32) have been together for about 20 months and have lived together for 1.5 years (moved in quite quickly due to Boyfriend or Best Friend relocating to NYC for his job). We have a dog together which we adopted and just signed an 18 month lease for a new apartment.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend previous relationship of nearly 3 years ended weeks before him and I got together. Boyfriend or Best Friend told me that he knew he didn’t want to marry his ex-GF (34) which is why he ended the relationship, he also told me that she constantly brought up marriage and it pushed him away (I don’t blame her for bringing it up). My biggest concern about his last relationship is that he knew for quite some time that he didn’t want to marry his ex but he didn’t cut the cord until they were fast approaching their 3 year anniversary..

 

So, in other words, he stayed with this woman, knowing marriage was important to her and that he was not going to propose, until he could conveniently extricate himself, started dating another woman a few weeks after the breakup (who told him marriage was also something she was looking for), moved in with her after two months of dating, and now, deflects and speaks in generalities whenever she mentions marriage.

 

Bee, he sounds like a user. I don’t see this ending well.

Post # 9
Member
6673 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

So…in 20 months it just…hasn’t ever crossed his mind…? Even after you’ve brought it up several months ago? Ooookayyyyy. 

Sorry Bee, but this doesn’t look good. He’s never actually answered any of your very legitmate questions. Unfortunately my guess is the next time you bring this up with him he’s going to say you’re nagging him about it and probably mention something about you reminding him of his ex or some other such nonsense. 

ETA: Also, you’ve lived together 18 months, but been together 20 months. And you said you started dating just a few weeks after his relationship ended with his ex who he dated for 3 years? Did they live together? Where did he live in between that relationship imploding and him moving in with you? It sounds like he just jumped from one very serious relationship (for the woman at least) to the next with no breathing room in between! 

Post # 10
Member
2043 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

For me and my boyfriend (started dating in our late 30’s), 2 years would have been way too soon to start talking marriage. We didn’t broach the subject until about year 4. However, you feel differently, and that’s completely legitimate. When you stated your timeline of engagement by the end of the year, what did he say? It’s OK to compromise if both partners are sincere and have the same ultimate goal. However, it sounds like he implied that he had not thought much about it and then shut down the conversation. To me that indicates that he has no current or future plans to propose at this time. Have one more conversation with him and reiterate your timeline and ask him about his. If he says, “I haven’t thought about it,” or “sometime in the future,” you’re probably looking at a man who isn’t ready or willing to marry you. At that point, I would think strongly about at least moving into your own place and taking back control and agency of your life and future.

Post # 11
Member
3548 posts
Sugar bee

Move out and move on, this man is a poor prospect for marriage. You’re giving him a lot and getting nothing in return but a bunch of picture painting. He’s got the cow for free, he doesnt need to think about milk. But you do.

And please bees, spare me the righteous indignation posts for using the cow/milk/free analogy. It happens to have a lot of validity, whether you want to believe it or not. 

Post # 12
Member
6673 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunburn :  “And please bees, spare me the righteous indignation posts for using the cow/milk/free analogy. It happens to have a lot of validity, whether you want to believe it or not.”

If you already know what you’re saying is problematic or is going to cause people to call you out, why not just avoid saying it? You can get the same point across without comparing women to farm animals. Many other Bees have done it. It’s not difficult. Sorry not sorry. I’ll call out that phrase whenever I hear/see it. 

Post # 13
Member
545 posts
Busy bee

bigapplebee : 

The one piece of information that’s missing from your original post is whether you ever asked him whether marriage is his ultimate goal for a relationship, and what he said. Is this a man who even wants marriage? Believes in marriage? It’s important to establish this before you fall in love with someone. There are people walking around who would be quite happy if they never got married, or they actively don’t believe in/want it.

Find out if marriage is something he wants for himself.

This is a general question about his goals. He should be able to answer it clearly and non-defensively.

As to whether or not he should be sure about wanting to marry you – I disagree with PPs that he definitely should know this by now. 20 months might still be a little soon. What is your relationship like? Do you feel secure in it? Is it close and loving? Any issues? His past relationship history is a little bit concerning, but we cannot make a judgment about him based on this one incident. You don’t actually know what his relationship with his ex was like; if there was a pattern of this kind of behaviour on his part, that would be different. It’s not great that he knew he didn’t want to marry her but waited to break up with her, however, he might have learned from that relationship. None of us know.

I think at this stage of your relationship you should be able to talk openly about your goals for the future without one partner shutting it down. You need to know if marriage is on the cards for him and if he sees things progressing that way with you. Since you want to have children, set yourself a timeline for when you will check back in with him, and when you are willing to walk if there has been no progress. This is completely individual to each person, so give it some thought.

Post # 14
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Are you paying off his debt? Just seems like he’s stringing you along, especially given how quickly he moved in.

Post # 15
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

You are giving him all the benefits of marriage, and he’s happy to take that without putting any further commitment upon himself. He doesn’t even care about which woman he does this to; whether it’s his ex or you or the next, he’ll stay as long as there’s no pressure. 

A $60k truck? If that’s more important to him than proposing to you, I’d go ahead and waltz right out of his life. I’d give him a cheery wave on my way out. My middle finger may or may not be stuck in the upward position. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors