Am Im being strung along or am I just paranoid?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with crustyoldbee :  and sunburn : 

Here is what I see alot from friends, aquaintances and on the bee here. 

There is a big enough demographic of men who are perfectly willing to string a woman along for their own wants and needs that women should act accordingly until you know the guy you are dating is NOT one of those kind of guys. This kind of a guy is a HUGE red flag because I agree, it shows a MAJOR character flaw to willingling and knowingly waste someone’s time. That is cruel, selish, hurtful, and if you waste enough of someones time you are literally removing their chance at children/marriage. What kind of person strips another person of their chance to have those things?!!

That being said I think its important while dating to keep an eye out for the “time waster” guy. Here are the added up traits of this type of guy. 

– He is always thinking ME, not WE in a relationship

– He jumps from relationship to relationship

– Talks of marriage and engagement is always a ” pressured, pushed, rushed, someday” conversation

– He would never “think” of marriage on his own. He never brings the topic up its always the woman. 

– Talking about committment makes him angry

– Knowing the woman he is with wants marriage he still pushes her to do everything but first. Live together, House, Kids, Never actually marriage. 

– He is basically forcing your entire relationship to be an audition for him, an audition to be his wife if you hang in there for “someday”, if you are “good enough” 

It isn’t that women don’t get as much out of living together as a guy does. But the distinct difference is that a woman who is marriage minded does NOT move in with a guy for the hell of it. She doesn’t move in and then decide its good enough to live together she doesn’t need marriage. Women move in with men as a sign of their intent to commit. Obviously a lot of men don’t operate that way which is why so many women find themselves in a situation where the guy is getting everything he wants, but the woman’s need for marriage isn’t happening. 

OP I personally didn’t want to find myself in a situation where i was having my time wasted. So I talked marriage with my current Boyfriend or Best Friend BEFORE I moved in with him. We agreed on a timeline. I made sure that our desire to live together was because we saw a marriage future, not because it was fun or convenient. And even when I brought up marriage the first time we talked about it, even though my boyfriend at that time wasn’t sure yet, he willingly and happily talked it through with me with kindness and maturity. He at no point tried to avoid the conversation, got upset at me, or told me it wasn’t on his mind. So after two years HELL YES your Boyfriend or Best Friend should know if he wants to marry you, he should be fine with talking about it because he cares about you and wants you to be happy. Hell he should have brought it up on his own because he WANTS to marry you too!! 

And im sorry but him wanting to buy a new 60k + truck?!! That is fucking INSANELY immature and rude. He is literally giving your future together the middle finger and yelling the word MEEEEEE in your face. Him telling you that he willingly and knowingly lead his ex girlfriend on would have been a GIGANTIC deal breaker for me. How on earth would you want to be with someone who would do that to someone else? Purposely hurt them to suit his own needs, deprive someone of their freedom. I think you know you shouldn’t have continued the relationship with him at that point. I mean, he doesn’t even sound sorry he did that to her!!!!! WTF?!!! 

You sit this guy down and you say, ” I am not willing to spend an unlimited amount of time in this relationship without it moving towards marriage. Me moving with you and moving in with you is too big of a committment for me to make to someone who i am not engaged to. I would like to be engaged by the time we move. Since you are considering purchasing a 60k + truck, it shouldn’t be a problem to buy an engagement ring for $1,000 or less. If you value me and this relationship you will take care of whatever you need to do to make this happen.” 

He says no? You walk. He says, you are pressuring me, pushing me rushing me? you say, “No, i am not pressuring you in any way. I really don’t appreciate you telling me I am pressuing you because that is you telling me to shut up. I am allowed to know what I want for my life and have clear goals. I know what I want and I have every right to ask for it. If you are not interested in marriage than you need to let me know so I can move on.” 

 

Post # 47
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ladyjane123 :  It isn’t that women don’t get as much out of living together as a guy does. But the distinct difference is that a woman who is marriage minded does NOT move in with a guy for the hell of it.

 

I agree. There are people who want to live with their romantic partner because it is convenient and economical – a way to split expenses, split chores, etc. And there are people who want to live with their romantic partner on the assumption it the last step before engagement/marriage, and that engagement/marriage will soon follow.

 

Neither one is wrong. But it is a mistake to have one mindset and merely assume your partner has the same mindset. That should be clarified before moving in together.

 

And it is absolutely an ASSHOLE move to have one mindset that you KNOW your partner does not share, and let them think you’re on the same page so you get what you want.

 

Post # 48
Member
568 posts
Busy bee

saratiara2 : “My issue is with the statement she’s living with him, having sex with him etc. for the pleasure of being a girlfriend. As though she gets nothing out of those things, and would or should only do them if she’s getting the engagement she wants in return. As though she only has sex for him, and this scenario has no benefit to her.” It’s the misleading her that’s the issue. It’s not that she should only do these things if she’s getting a ring- it’s that guys like this are all pie-in-the-sky talk pretending to be on board with engagement and marriage. So she is making the decision to move in with him or move across the country for hiim based on false pretenses. And then his pie-in-the-sky talk, which was useful for him to get what he wanted, changes tune into ‘don’t nag me, don’t bug me’ once too much time has progressed for him to get away with talking in future hypothetics.

If a woman is perfectly happy being his girlfriend or his common law partner, then there IS no issue, there has been no deception. But when a woman is strung along and gives him everything he wants based on a future together that he’s led her to believe includes marriage, he’s deceived her most cruelly so he can get his own way and that isn’t someone who makes a good partner, ring or no ring. 

Post # 48
Member
3597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

bigapplebee :  Good luck with your come to Jesus talk OP. I wish I had forced one of these with my ex-husband when I was a waiting bee. He was acting very much like your SO, but would drop little breadcrumbs of hope to keep me on the hook. After everything fell apart, he was finally honest with me and admitted that he married me because I was “a nice girl and I wanted it”, he never wanted kids (which I was clear from day 1, that marriage & kids was non-negotiable for me) and that he liked our life so he said what I wanted to hear to keep the status quo. I was furious, but glad to know the truth and was able to keep my eye out for red flags in the future!

Post # 49
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Tatum :  Exactly. Well said. 

And fact is, men have more disposable time to waste than women do. They can have kids when they are 80. So its not suprising that men can lean a bit more towards just going with the flow and doing what feels good to them not thinking of the bigger picture. 

SOmeone once told me that i should never move in with a man for any reason other than a romantic one, and to further the relationship. I should never move in just to save on rent, or because one of our leases was up etc. Because I want marriage in my future this advice was some of the best advice I have ever gotten. Of the people i know that moved in together, the ones who talked about it as a convenience thing are the ones who ended up breaking up. 

Post # 50
Member
3549 posts
Sugar bee

saratiara2 :  That’s a very simplistic way of looking at things. Of course a woman gets some things out of playing wife. But she doesn’t get what she wants, which is commitment. And this doesn’t even touch on matters of biology, where men and women are NOT on equal footing. 

Post # 51
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Jeez, there are so many serial romantics waltzing around. Seems like every time I turn around there is an unfortunate story like this chilling on the bee 🙁 

Post # 52
Member
568 posts
Busy bee

I’m actually not opposed to living together if the couple are absolutely honest and on the same page about it, it’s when one of the partners (usually the woman) is misled into moving in with her partner based on false belief that engagement and marriage are part of this plan. 

It’s the misleading her that’s the issue. It’s not that she should only do these things if she’s getting a ring- it’s that guys like this are all pie-in-the-sky talk pretending to be on board with engagement and marriage. So she is making the decision to move in with him or move across the country for hiim based on false pretenses. And then his pie-in-the-sky talk, which was useful for him to get what he wanted, changes tune into ‘don’t nag me, don’t bug me’ once too much time has progressed for him to get away with talking in future hypothetics.

If a woman is perfectly happy being his girlfriend or his common law partner, then there IS no issue, there has been no deception. But when a woman is strung along and gives him everything he wants based on a future together that he’s led her to believe includes marriage, he’s deceived her most cruelly so he can get his own way and that isn’t someone who makes a good partner, ring or no ring. 

Post # 53
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, you’re the only one making sacrifices in this relationship. You’ve put your life on hold because of his job, you’ve agreed to move out of the city to get out of debt, and for what? Not so he can save for a ring, but so he can buy a $60k truck! This makes me angry for you! 

I don’t think this guy is marriage minded at all, it seems as though he just wants the convenience, and shared expenses of a live in partner with none of the responsibilities of a true partnership. It’s also concerning how he jumps from one relationship to the next. He seems like the type that wants to remain untethered, and when one woman asks too much of him (ie. real commitment) he looks for his next soft landing.

Definitely sit down and have a conversation with him, and advocate for your needs. If they aren’t being met, and you don’t feel good about where the relationship is heading, move on. Life is too short to settle for less than you deserve.

Post # 55
Member
847 posts
Busy bee

bigapplebee :  Hi Bee, I hope things are going well for you, or at the very least, you have some closure. Hugs! 

Post # 56
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

He 100% told you about his ex “driving him away” by talking about marriage as a way to deter you from talking about it. He was trying to push you into being the “cool girl” who would never “pressure” him into getting married. If your talk doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re absolutely going to get engaged within your preferred timeline and you’re absolutely entirely happy with your relationship, I would advise you to start getting your ducks in a row to leave.

Post # 57
Member
16 posts
Newbee

You are not overreacting or wrong for thinking you’ve been strung along. All the markers from his previous relationship are showing with yours currently. You need to determine his long term intentions and set a future plan, as you need to consider your fertility age. He clearly is selfish and has no regard for you or his ex-GF and is extremely comfortable in his own lifestyle.

I want to tell you to stop wasting your time because you will find yourself older, more bitter and more resentful if you are forced to wait with no set timeline. Your time is precious and important. You deserve to be with someone on the same page as you that wants to marry you and TTC with you. 

If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is not that person, then you are better off cutting your losses.

I know it’s hard to leave a relationship, especially one where you live with them and think they’re ‘the one’. Ultimately it’s your call. I’m thinking about your situation Bee. Good luck. 

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