Amazing husband.. not so amazing sex

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
6150 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

As you’ve said, you knew how he was before you married him so you aren’t surprised but it sounds like he isn’t following through with his promises to make some additional effort. The really unacceptable part for me would be that when you give him feedback during sex, it sounds like he is resistant to making adjustments. Differing sex drives can be managed, just straight out not listening (or resisting feedback) cannot.

I don’t have much advice (other than maybe opening the discussion to other options that might provide more satisfaction for you) but wanted to say it doesn’t feel good when your partner feels like they’re half assing an area of the relationship that feels really significant for you.

Post # 3
139 posts
Blushing bee

I have a similar problem. But, I’ve always struggled with orgasm even with stimulation. I can do it myself but having another person around changes the dynamics and I get frustrated if it takes too long, etc……Long story, but it goes back to having had negative experiences as a child from abuse, etc.
That said, I still love sex and I still love being with my guy in bed. Unfortunately, 90% of the time we have 2 positions but what I’m trying to do is find a new way to enjoy those positions. I ask him to pull and stroke my hair or to hold me down while in missionary. Or, I’ll tell him to put a pillow under my hips for better ‘feel’ while having sex, etc. Last week we had sex 4 times in one week which was totally out of character for us and it seemed like we both initiated it mutually. But, I do feel that most of the time I’m the one who initiates and, on average, it’s once a week and sometimes twice a week.
One thing we’ve tried is to have him stimulate me with fingers before we have sex. I may not orgasm but it gets me close to there once we start getting going. I know oral sex is loved my by many women, but I actually don’t care for it one way or the other. But, some women find it necessary to achieve orgasm. Are you guys just jumping right into sex or are you having a good 10-15 mins of foreplay beforehand? That really helps me. Many times I’m all for the quickie but I also need a good gentle groove where he pays direct attention to my responses and my body language getting me more involved in the erotic side of our connection.

Post # 4
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Honestly, this again comes down to communication.  Just explain your needs to your husband pretty much in the same way you’ve done here.  There is no need for shame or embarrasment as this is your partner.  You don’t have to come at it like he’s doing something wrong but more like “hey babe, can you try this or this???  If you need clitoral stimulation then tell him that (he’s probably been trying to figure that out anyway) and then figure out what works for you together.  I actually suspect most women need that kind of stimulation but the porn industry has done a real job on men in terms of what brings women to orgasm and we don’t help the sitch when we don’t express our needs.  Do it bee, I’ll bet he surprises you.

Post # 5
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

Open the marriage up to sleeping with other people so your needs get met

Post # 6
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Is he open to using toys at all so you can be stimulated while DTD? Is there a position you know you can do that will get you the satisfaction you’re looking for? I think talking about what stuff is good/great is important. I boost my husband’s ego hard when he does something I like in bed so he continues to do it and vice versa. Not sure if that would work in your marriage but it’s worth a shot. 

Post # 7
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Dealing with different sex drives, wants, needs and turn-ons is hard to navigate. Like it or not, a lot of men have so much pride tied up in their “sexual prowess” that working on these kinds of issues can be really frustrating, which isn’t a great feeling on top of already being sexually frustrated.

Have you tried sex toys, lingerie or other foreplay items like massage oils to try and enhance the experience? If you can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation, a small vibrator (like the Love Bullet, I think it’s called) could be really beneficial. If your husband is opposed to any of these kinds of things, unfortunately I think you have a bigger problem than just differing sex drives. As PPs have said, good communication is one of the most important components of good sex.

If all else fails, I have heard that a lot of people have found the help of a sex therapist to be very beneficial (seriously).

Post # 8
948 posts
Busy bee

I’m one of those girls, too.  I have to have the clitoral stimulation to get there, and I tend to have a higher libido than most men I’ve been with.  Even if the positions are predictable, try to spice them up by giving yourself some love.  This is easy with missionary; just tell him to give you some room for your hand.  Or, in the alternative, have him stand next to the bed with you on your back and wrap your legs around his waist/hips… then he can watch you help yourself.  Most men find this incredibly attractive, but there are those that see it as an affront to their manhood, or prowess, or what have you.  In the latter situation, communication is key.  Tell him you just need a little help to get over the edge, but that being with him like that makes your orgasms ten times more amazing than when you do it yourself.  

I like the suggestion of a sex therapist, as well.  While there are certain ways to spice up your sex life that you can implement, his lack of willingness to try (and also his lack of followthrough) are disturbing patterns

Post # 9
863 posts
Busy bee

buzybb :  Definitely bring a small clitoral vibrator in the bedroom with you. Then you both can get the kind of stimulation that you need 🙂

Post # 10
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Clarification – are you saying you never have o’s with your Darling Husband, or you just don’t have them during the intercourse part of sex?  

If you are able to orgasm through clitoral stimulation I’m not clear as to why that wouldn’t be an essental part of your sex routine at least most of the time?  Oral, manual, vibrator, whatever.  

Post # 11
1303 posts
Bumble bee

i think its unwise to put responsibility for your sexual satisfaction soley in the hands of your partner. you do have a higher sex drive than he does, so there are times you’re going to end up masturbating if you’re in the mood and he really isn’t. getting over the resentment you feel towards him in those cases will go a long way. 

if what he is doing in bed isn’t what you like, tell him or show him what it is you’d like to have happen. if you want to change positions, tell him you want to and why. i can’t imagine “i’d want to try X position, this one isn’t really working for me right now” would be met with “too bad, its awesome for me”. if he doesn’t want to do the position you suggest, suggest another. he is either not understanding why you want to change positions when he thinks this one is working (the way i prefer to always order the same thing at a certain restaurant because i already know i like it), is uncomfortable with what you are suggesting specifically for some reason, or is just being lazy. figuring out which will help you address the issue.

Post # 13
119 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with many of the comments here but also would like to mention a few other things that have not been said. i was similar to you in that when I wanted sex or after several “sessions” was not getting what I needed from sex i tended to be hurt and snappy. We would either have an argument or I would cry, on occasion I would also like you go to another room to get what i needed. My best advice is to take the conversation out of the bedroom. With us it started this horrible spiral where we would have (or not have) sex argue, then hurt feelings and a hell of a lot of pressure and guilt dumped on him (I was never trying to do this but he would always feel like a horrible person cuz he got his and there i am frustrated and crying) then the sex ends in hurt feelings and over time it just became wrapped up in bad emotions and guilt on his part and I ended up being obsessive over getting mine and spent more time thinking about how much i wouldn’t enjoy it instead of actually participating in it. Which makes us sound really disfuntional but actually we were (and are) really great, except the bedroom needed work. We are still doing the work but the turning point for us was when I  took our problem out of the bedroom. If we ended up not having sex because he was too tired even though I wanted it instead of taking my frustrations out there (or the following day) I tabled them until the next time we could really talk about what did or didn’t work. We talk about sex more but never in a sexual situation, in the bedroom things grew so frustrating so fast we fell into bad habits and I just wanted things over. Out of the bedroom it took some of the pressure off him and I felt I could express myself more without ruining the mood or coming off as judgy. It stoped the spiral we were stuck in which made sex fun again. I know it’s hard believe me but it sounds so similar to what you are going through I thought it might help. It sounds like most of all the conversation needs to change, I also waited 3 years to start really pushing to change our sex lives. By that time we had fallen into a really unhealthy rut. I imagine that if you both take the time and pressure off and start a conversation that will help you see through the others eyes. The good part is the experimenting to find something you both are happy with😀.

As a side note when we first started to change things up we scheduled days to do something different, it really helped me manage my needs, that way when we fell into old habits or he wanted it the “usual” way I felt more ok with it because I knew it would be more me focused at regular intervals without feeling i had to talk him into it. It also took some pressure off him getting me there (which is difficult at the best of times) every single time so he had sex that was enjoyable and easy at times too. I know it doesn’t sound sexy but scheduling it gave us both for warning about what and how we were going to work towards our goal, and it took the nagging off the other times so we both could be  Spontaneous. Turns out lots of the experimenting crept into our “usual” sex too once he got comfortable with it 😜. Turns out A lot of the hesitation from his side was a worry about “performing” as he tends to like positions that require him doing most of the work, he felt uncomfortable starting some new things in the bedroom which is why we fell back on the “usual” so often. 

Sorry for the novel but I hope some of this helps. 

Post # 14
174 posts
Blushing bee

i think majority of women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. you mentioned that during honeymoon you came close to an orgasm multiple times. does that mean that he  doesn’t use his fingers, mouth etc. to make you come during the session? so that he only has an orgasm and you get nothing? 

well I’m no help since I’m  on the same boat. We had 5 years of satisfying sex and then it became so boring and predictable and dissatisfying. previously my boyfriend took pride in me being satisfied but he has suddenly stopped. he agrees to what I want but never himself suggests anything. so I know exactly when we have sex and what we do. I’ve had to start to request him giving me an orgasm. I suggested him to use a vibrator on me. he kind of got into it since it requires minimum effort from him. it’s so frustrating that you have to wait to your partner to go running so you can masturbate right after having sex. maybe he vibrator would help you?

We tried the talking in bedroom and outside the bedroom. I’ll see it if helps. if not then I move on to emailing him links to positions I want to try.

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