Post # 1
I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months ago is extremely busy and works a FEW civil service jobs, in addition to Army reserves. When we first started dating, I was concerned about the amount of work he did and he kept telling me over and over he didn’t need to do all these jobs and he could quit some and could retire from the Army etc. He told me he just worked this much because he was single and it helped keep him busy and mind off things, but family was first, etc. I let him know upfront several times that I couldn’t handle Army with deployments possible etc….I give kudos to those that can go through that, but know myself to know it would cause me way too much anxiety. He always kept saying he could retire which is the only reason why I went ahead and dated him. We met online.
For the last 6 months, our relationship has been amazing. We get along great together and it has been so easy between us. However, his jobs and especially the Army have gotten really demanding where he is gone all the time lately and it is only going to get worse this year. Last night, he basically told me I needed to decide if I could handle it, in addition to the fact that he could always be deployed for a year or more. We discussed it over the phone and I reminded him that I know I couldn’t ever handle that…I wish I could, but know I can’t and what happened to everything he told me in the beginning about I might be the girl he’d retire for and how he didn’t have to do all these jobs??? He told me he could retire, but is not ready to and keeps throwing out numbers like another 10 years staying in even though he assured me they’d never keep him that long!
I’m soooooo heartbroken!!!! I never would have entertained dating him had he been honest with me upfront!! I’m very much in love with him though I have yet to tell him, but felt like he did as well. We got off the phone last night and all the texts stopped, good morning, goodnight etc today. I cried hard on the phone last night and he asked if he could still call me to which I did yes….he never did. He only responded to a couple texts I sent him, but isn’t initiating at all. We are suppose to go to Europe in a couple months for my work and his ticket is paid for too. I texted him tonight and asked if we could meet tomorrow to talk in person. He said yes and offered to pick me up for dinner. We haven’t seen each other for 2.5 weeks because he just got back from Army again. I do want to find a compromise, but not sure how I can emotionally handle all he does plus a deployment. I feel like there is no compromise for him…just this is the way it is and sorry! He works tons and admits this, but a lot has to do with army responsibilities. In 6 months, we’ve never even been to grocery store together or a mall or anything other than a handful of restaurants. I don’t want to lose him and all the good we have together which he acts like it is better than what he’s had in past relationships too, but I need advice for ways to approach this tomorrow night with him or ideas on how we could even compromise. Even if he retired, he could still be called to war for 2-3 years probably, but now he said he isn’t ready and couldn’t really tell me if he would be.
Post # 2
You said that you wish he’d been honest with you earlier. If he had been, you wouldn’t have started this relationship. Believe that he’s being honest with you now. You said you don’t want to be with a man who works this much and who is in the military. So you should break it off with him. It will be painful, but better now than another 6 months down the road, right?
I don’t think there is a lot of room to compromise here. Either you are ok with his career or you aren’t. At 6 months in it’s WAY too early to demand that someone make major changes to their career such as retirng from the Army reserves. If he wants to do that, fine. But he doesn’t. Believe him.
Post # 3
I’m not trying to sound harsh, but from you’ve written, it sounds as though in the last six months, you’ve hardly been around this guy in real life – of course things have been easy! Given this, are you sure you actually *know* this guy, like truly know him? Six months isn’t a long time to get to know someone anyways, but six months when you don’t get spend much time together in person?
He wasn’t upfront with you about his work commitments (and I wouldn’t be surprised if he works so much because he’s a workaholic and married to work). In some ways, the very start of your relationship is on rocky ground. Take a few days and listen to yourself and your gut as far as whether this relationship is worth continuing, or whether you’d be best served by finding a guy who can and will make time for you now – not 10 years down the road.
Post # 4
How much time does he have to commit to army reserves as it sounds very excessive. My Fiance was in the military reserves & it was a couple of weekends a year.
Post # 5
mtmom4 : it always sucks to end something that seems so promising. Maybe he wasn’t honest with you to start, but he’s honest now and it’s better now than a year or two from now. He’s choosing his career, and you’re choosing a non-military life, and that’s ok. There’s someone in your future that you’re much better suited for, bee
Post # 6
Hi dear, sorry to hear your going through this. It sounds like he wasn’t upfront to begin with and he said all these things to get you to stay and now everything is coming to light. I do have one question, and not to sound harsh, are you sure he’s not seeing someone else. Busy work schedule and you said you’ve barely been to grocery stores and only a handful of restaurants. I don’t like limitations in my relationship and on being able to see someone I’m with or dating so the schedule he has sounds really hard and not possible for me. I’ve also been in situations where I’ve been in way too deep and it’s hard to pull back and to gain perspective, but it sounds like you need to. Take it as a lesson learned, a guy will do what he wants to do, you just have to find someone who’s wants what you want too. This is a big hint you can find someone who is more than willing and able to spend time with you. Good luck!
Post # 7
judge a man not by his words, but his actions. His ACTIONS show you he will not put you above his job. It doesn’t sound like this relationship is the right one. So sorry but I think you need to let it go. Sometimes the right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy.
Post # 8
My fiance is in the Army and is heading to war this summer, and it’s not an easy life. But please believe me when I give you my most solid piece of advice about loving a military man: you HAVE to allow him to put his career and country first. Before you, before your kids, before anything else. The Army ENFORCES that mentality, and if you come between him and his career, things will not be good for either of you.
This is something for you to think really hard about. You cannot (especially after only 6 months) influence his career choice, so you have to decide: is he worth waiting for? I know my man is, no matter where in the world he goes, but I’m marrying him and I’m used to going with this flow. If you don’t think you can wait for him and you need someone who puts you first, I’m sorry, but any sort of military relationship will not work out for you.
I wish you luck! But I think this is a good wakeup call for you, regardless of your choice 🙂
Post # 9
I really think there is something fishy about this guy. When you say “his ticket is bought”, who bought it, you or him? It does not seem right that youve seen him only a few times.
Post # 10
mtmom4 : It sucks that he wasn’t more upfront with you from the beginning and that was wrong of him. It sounds like he’s misleading you a bit, and I would question whether he ever had the intention. He let you think before that the relationship ranked higher than his job but in reality it clearly doesn’t. It sounds like you both want two different lifestyles and that’s ok.
You know what you can deal with and if this situation is a no then, you have your answer. You got to think about whether you can deal with a future like that, it isn’t an easy one. He’s talking about 10 years, 10 years is a long time. Kids could become involved and you guys could be married, is it ok that his career will come before your marriage and kids?
Post # 11
mtmom4 : you’ve been with him for 6 months and haven’t yet told him you love him (which is fine) but why should he give up his career for a woman he’s known for 6 months and doesn’t know loves him? I’d be worried if he gave up his career for a woman after 6 months, it would make him seem flakey and irresponsible.
I think it’s too early for him to start backing up with actions because it’s only been 6 months. It doesn’t mean he isn’t going to at some point. I think it’s also fine to say you will retire but not quite be ready for it, it’s a large adjustment that can take some getting used to. Again it doesn’t mean the intention isn’t there.
I think you need to talk to him. Ask to spend more time together. Ask about how he sees his future going, his timelines. Tell him what you see for yourself and what you want. I’d include that you are in love with him and let him know how important this relationship is to you. Maybe there’s a compromise with time but you need to be patient and not expect him to give up his life for you so soon. Maybe there won’t actually be a compromise but unless you put it all out there you’ll never know.
Post # 12
What relationship? You’ve been to a ‘handful of restaurants’ together over the past six months. That does not qualify as a relationship, Bee. And it’s certainly not ‘amazing’.
Did you buy his ticket to Europe?
He was full of bs from the jump, he told you exactly what you wanted to hear about retiring from the Army and working less.
You’re not actually losing anything, Bee, other than the fantasy you have been carrying around.
Post # 13
mtmom4 : I am so sorry bee, it sounds like you were totally 100% upfront with him from the get go, but he wasn’t with you and clearly span you a whole load of BS about retiring etc. He clearly is not going to do that. I know it hurts right now, but breaking up really is the best thing. You don’t want a military relationship, he doesn’t want to leave the Army. It’s really quite cut and dry. I am so sorry you thought you had a future with someone who just lied to you. I have been there, I really do know how bad it hurts. Big hugs.
Post # 14
I think he’s made it clear that you will never come first in his life. And you are completely justified to want to be priority. I think the only option is to let him go… really sorry, it is hard.
Post # 15
I hate to say it but I’m not sure how much of a relationship you actually have. It’s really hard To tell from the information but it doesn’t sound like you see him an awful lot and I’m not sure it is quite as relationshippy as you think it is. There’s a possibility that you guys are still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ as you haven’t seen much of each other therefore you really can’t tell if it’s going to work yet. given that he’s already lied to you about his job intentions I’m not sure it’s a great foundation to build a relationship on.
Id cut your losses and move on to someone who appreciates you xx